Once married, one start a new life. How this new life evolves into a successful relationship is a major test of life. We will deal with issues related to married life in this platform to learn from others experiences. Please share yours - good or bad, pleasant or bitter.. Let us learn, de-learn and make the marriage as successful as your career and other social successes. | By soapy on Saturday, June 05, 1999 - 05:09 am: |
Marriage is a precious and beloved institution, that was made for love, acceptance and happiness. It's main purpose is to join two souls together for the rest of your life. Divorce to me is a tool used by others to meerly satisfy themselves and intentionally tear another's heart into. Love isn't only a choice in marriage, it's your oblogation.
| By Confused Wife on Saturday, August 21, 1999 - 12:41 am: |
Hi! I am confused and need some input from others. I am American and married a man of Sikh origin 5 years ago. We live in the US. His mother is 64, in great health but has been a widow for over 20 years. She has been taking care of her parents in the Punjab, but now her father has passed on and with her mother aging, she is planning to live with us full-time at some point. She stays with us about 3-6 months a year now. When we were first married, I didn't mind this arrangement, but I have come to resent it. She takes over the house, says it is her house ("she was there first"), focuses solely on my husband (her eldest son) and does everything for him (drives me crazy). I think that, since she is in good health, she should be somewhat independent and enjoy her own life now and I think this is my time to have a married life with privacy. My husband is in a terrible spot, has told her she needs to live in Florida or England and come visit us, but she says Florida is too hot and she wants to live with us in West Los Angeles. All I can think is that (1) I didn't marry her and don't want to live with her and (2) she's going to be around another 25-30 years -- I'll be her age before I get to run my own home. I don't know if I'm being totally culturally insensitive or what, but it's taking its toll on me personally and my marriage. If anyone can offer any advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.
| By Princess on Saturday, August 21, 1999 - 05:55 pm: |
Confused wife,
I can imagine how taxing a situation like this can be and especially on someone who wasn't raised in a joint family situation.
It is hard even for an Indian woman to share a household with a dominating mother-in-law much less someone who isn't.
Even though your mother-in-law is doing what all mother-in-laws do you aren't being culturally insensitive. However finding the solution can become really hard. This is a solution that your husband and you have to find together.
She may feel very hurt and alienated if you make her just go away. Afterall all mothers dream of spending their final days with their sons. I can understand your delima but you will come across as the "horrible American" wife if you put her out or make other arrangements. The sad part is that you aren't the only one with this delimma. Tons of Indian women go through it too.
Honestly I don't have a solution for you because I understand her actions and need to live with her son coming from an Indian culture, she doesn't know otherwise and I completely understand your need for space, privacy and your own home and life. I'd be interested in knowing what others say.
| By Savarna on Monday, August 30, 1999 - 06:40 pm: |
Hi, Confused Wife,
I am an American married to a Hindu man. While I respect the strong extended family system (we will someday care for his parents, and our children will someday care for us, etc.) I also recognize extremes. My Indian friend's mother in law is the same way. She comes over and criticizes, takes over the household, disagrees with my friend's parenting decisions in front of her child, and expects to be waited on hand and foot. The first time she came over was to "help" my friend with her new baby. Even though my friend had just given birth, she was expected to cook, clean and serve tea to her husband's mother. She keeps asking them to send their 4 year old son back to India to live with them so he will get a "proper" upbringing. Luckily her husband's parents live in India and visits are only every couple of years.
I can only think of two comforting words of advice to give.
First is, if the situation cannot change, try to find some inner comfort in the fact that your husband's mother will never replace you in your husband's eyes. Yes, she gave birth to him and raised him, but she will never be his friend, equal, lover, and mother to his children the way you will be. Take comfort in that. It is stil your house and nothing she can do will change that. The only way it would be her house is if she was staying in the master bedroom, not in the guest room.
Second, try to confide in your husband on how miserable it's making you. When my mother was being nasty about my choice of a husband, she basically said "it's me or him--you choose." I stood by my husband. After you get married, your first loyalty is to your spouse and children. See if your husband can understand that and stand up to his mother to give you the space you need. If nothing else, perhaps you can to go visit YOUR mother during part of her visits! It might get the point across to everyone and you won't have to say a word.
Good luck! I really feel for you.
Savarna
| By Atty on Wednesday, September 01, 1999 - 08:03 pm: |
Dear Confused wife,
I was in your same perdiciment a few years ago, but lost the battle and the war. While my inlaws were sweet and kind and loving and helpful I needed my privacy, my husbands attention and his support. When they came to visit I lost all of those things. Thank God I did not have to cook and serve too. Anyway I believe that they influenced my husband to withdraw his financial support of our household down to the lowest minimum. When that happened I could take no more. I sent everyone packing. Before they came to visit by husband was s perfect man in my eyesight, but they came decided that they would not return to India and live with us, started brushing my husbands hair(one of the things I loved to do), barging into our bedroom without warning, and keeping him up all night , most of the time sleeping in the guest room with them, that was it. I lost my cool and my husband and extended family.
I don't know what the correct answer is, but I miss the old perfect husband I used to have.
| By Joseph on Wednesday, September 01, 1999 - 08:15 pm: |
Hi Confused Wife,
The "Mother-in-law / Daughter-in-law" episodes are universal, but culture like ours adds few extra masalas to this already tricky situation because of its belief in complex or joint family structure. This is ofcourse a generalization as you will find plenty of Indian mother-in-laws who simply stay out of their son's personal life unless being asked for help. In your case you have the "other kind".
And because of this belief of joint family, mother-in-law's perception of her son's family is just the extension of her own family. This is perceived as a God given right and not a matter of negotiation. No matter which way you both try, making her understand your point will surely mean to shatter her belief, her rights. And usually in this case, the feelings of betrayal by her son prevails over the rational ones.
First and foremost, the "talk" has to come from your husband. This gives a clear message to her that both him and you are united on this decision and are serious about it. I think arguments like "we live in west and the traditions are different" may not help the cause. Try to explain to her that both of you are grownups and capable of making decisions, including running day-to-day activities of home. Also explain to her that how things were done in her days in India was a suitable for that time and day. Finally, also mention that one of the adjustments in inter-racial marriages is to find the common grounds between a believer of joint family and you. This opens up various possibilities such as separate house for her, or mother-daughter type of house, or even if staying togather, change of her role a bit to find the common ground in this situation.
Lot of assurance to her that how much you both love her and will be by her in needs will take away insecurities if she has. The message has to be given with equal parts firmness and assurance of love and respect. I hope this helps.
| By cedric on Friday, September 24, 1999 - 03:51 am: |
I hope this question is not in bad taste although it may sound ••••••.
Can someone tell me the purpose of the
red dot on the forehead of some of the indians.
I have been told that it is for marrage, others have said it was religious. If I had a name for
it I could look it up.
| By aa on Tuesday, October 05, 1999 - 03:47 am: |
The red dot is called a bindi ( bin-dee) and till a few years ago was only worn by married women,signifying that they were married. Widows would not wear the bindi.
now a days, in most parts of India it is worn by younger unmarried women too since it is also considered a symbol of adornment....it looks pretty!!
| By Savarna on Tuesday, October 05, 1999 - 11:18 pm: |
The bindi also marks the place of the third eye, a mystical concept of Hinduism. Both men and women mark their third eye region after visiting a temple or having puja. It marks seeing beyond what is seen with the naked eye.
Another purpose is it protects against the "evil eye" (jealousy from others) which is why small children of both genders will wear a black one until they reach a certain age. Unmarried girls will also wear a black one. Married women will wear red ones. Widows will often wear sacred ash (vibuthi) in the place of the third eye, as will holy men (priests and swamis) and men who have just been to the temple.
Good question. There is no such thing as a dumb question.
| By sam paul on Thursday, October 21, 1999 - 09:31 am: |
Hi!I'm newly married & in a dilemma now.i'm having some problems in my profession,temporary in nature,which I did discuss with my wife in detail,before the marriage.as she was very much adamant on not revealing to anybody i didn'nt tell it to any of our in-laws.sure we are made for each other & having a wonderfull life,though for the time being we are forced to stay apart for our inevitable professional needs.actually they never asked me that particular question.but now they have some doubt on it & started troubling me& my wife.i'm prepared to take the brunt but do not want my wife to be in any distress,whom i love more than my life..i want to be in good terms with them also.pl.advise.
| By London Girl on Thursday, October 21, 1999 - 10:31 am: |
Hello Sam Paul
Could you expand on this? I am totally lost here. Elaborate on what you are asking and you will get some decent advice!
London Girl
| By Muscle Man on Thursday, October 28, 1999 - 08:48 am: |
Sam Paul,
Your message is a bit puzzled!
From your message I can gather that you are trying to please your in laws at the expense of your wife and career. You cannot do everything at nce as you only have 2 hands. You must make time from your professional career for your wife as it seems you are going to be with her for the rest of your life. Your in laws are not going to be there all of the time.
| By Anonymous on Friday, November 12, 1999 - 11:00 pm: |
I am also one irritated girl. Me and my husband had an arranged marriage, I stayed with my in-laws for 2 months before comming to U.S.A. My husband's family is educated my mother-in-law is also B.A. Actually I am also an engineer, In fact I finished my Masters in computers after comming to US.
When I was recently married, my mother-in-law tried to be very progressive & she always wore a mask of being nice, but whenever I was alone with her she made me feel as if I was dumb, all the time she made me realize that I am not very fair and my parents are not very rich, I was supposed to be a good-looking, intelligent girl when I was in college.
I suddenly got a complex about my-self because of her behaviour. I am not very out-spoken, so I couldn't retort back whenever she said insulting things to me, I didn't want to hurt my husband so I kept on taking whatever she said on phone. Also my husbands parent visted U.S. for 2 times whenver she came here, took over the house. After some time I have started telling my husband what she did but sometimes he listens and some times he gets offended. We have many fights. Now his mom is ill so I can not express that her behaviour hurts me, but I get upset every day, even though she is not here. I always remember what all weird comments she passed on me, some of them I can't even express here. I may be wrong but I just can not control my thoughts. I think I need help. Can some body suggest any solution to my problem.
Irritated Girl
| By Princess on Friday, November 12, 1999 - 11:52 pm: |
Irritated Girl,
Don't blame your husband for the actions of his parents. You haven't said anything bad about him so I assume that your marriage with him is good. Sure relationships with in-laws are difficult, without a doubt. I'm sure you know that you aren't the only person with a difficult mother-in-law. However I can't begin to tell you how lucky you are that you don't have to live with her and only put up a few times a year.
Now for the self-esteem thing. I can well imagine how corrosive it is to your self-esteem when someone is constantly telling you that you aren't good looking enough or rich enough. However is your husband doing that? Does he find you attractive and treat you well? Do you have a good marriage with him? If you answered yes it means the rest don't matter. Ignore your mother-in-law when she says hurtful things. Afterall she is your husband's mother. You are young, have a long life ahead of you and know better. If you have to put up twice a year with her bickering •••• it up and do it so as not to disturb peace.
I would never condone playing the games she plays with you in private but that thought is tempting. It might teach her tit for tat however it might just complicate things further. Making enemies is never a good approach. You also said she is old and sick so it's not fair to her either. Remember parents are never going to change however we can make ourselves adaptable to their behaviour.
Maybe next time she says something to you that hurts you say something to her in private. Tell her it's too late for her to change her mind now that you are happily married to her son. Tell her that her words hurt you and you wouldn't want to pass that hurt onto her son.
| By Princess on Friday, November 12, 1999 - 11:52 pm: |
FYI the word that got blotted out was S UCK....I meant to say s uck it up.
| By Stand up on Saturday, November 13, 1999 - 12:20 am: |
Irritated girl,
Irritated girl,
Tell your mother in law that you - (yourself), your parents and YOUR HUSBAND(her son) thinks you are rich and beautiful enough and to top it off you are an engineer.
You too can wear a mask of self-assured, independent, younger woman in front of her.
Talk about how try to workout to keep fit (in shape) and what it is like to work in corporate America vs. her days decades ago.
Then there is always a couselor that you can go to. They can certainly help you improve your self-image.
| By Irritated Girl on Saturday, November 13, 1999 - 06:57 pm: |
Thank you princess and Stand up, actually me and my husband love each other a lot, so that is one
greatest positive thing.
Whenever we plan to go to India I have sort of butterflies in my stomoch, because my mother-in-law always forces me to stay with her, my parents are very traditional they always want me to stay in "Sasural" because that's my house and it really gets on my nurves but I think I have to be stronger my self to face her without hurting her in her situation. Usually in my job and work I am very strong but when It comes to mother-in-law I don't know why I kind of get scared.
| By Princess on Sunday, November 14, 1999 - 01:37 am: |
Irritated Girl,
It is absolutely possible to be strong and assertive without being a ••••• to your mother-in-law. When you visit India you have the right to see your parents aswell that goes without a doubt. You and your husband are both visiting India so you both should be able to see both your parents. Hence you should spend 50% time at each of the families house. That is your birthright and you shouldn't compromise on it.
I've always learnt that being positive and keeing a smiling face and being strong is the best way to suppress these incidences that might erupt with your mother-in-law. Be sugary sweet and extra nice and whatever you do don't break down or cry. Relish in the thought that you don't live with her and would be leaving soon. Preparing yourself mentally will be the best defense. No point in being nasty it will make you feel worse and hurt a lot of people. Remember the only person that matters is your husband and so far you are on solid grounds on that one. Wish you all the best.
| By Hedi on Friday, February 04, 2000 - 06:08 am: |
Well, i was reading some of the letters from the ladies who married some indians men.I was feeling sorry for the guys but now i can see that the laides have it tough copeing with some of there mother_in_law.I feel u are a great ladies if u can live with your mother_in_law.So young ladies hang in there.
| By Toronto Girl on Wednesday, March 08, 2000 - 11:16 pm: |
Help - my husband and I just got married and I have emigrated to Canada. Everything was fine when we met before, but now I can't stand him, and he me. We truly wish to be separated, divorced, or have the marriage annulled, but I don't know what this will do to my status in Canada - I'm currently here with a Permanent Resident Visa - does anyone know what I can do?
| By Jat Punjabi on Thursday, March 09, 2000 - 01:02 am: |
Toronto Girl,
Why worry about the Visa status? That's an immigration scam. Do what you believe and face the consequences.
| By Kamran on Friday, March 10, 2000 - 05:39 pm: |
Toronto Girl,
I don't ever think anything was cool between the 2 of you. You wanted to come to Canada by any means necessary. Well congrats you made it! Your marriage was a sham. You aren't even trying to work things out. Grow up. Marriage is not a little game.
| By Editor on Sunday, March 12, 2000 - 01:24 am: |
Dear Heartbroken and other friends
Heartbroken's story is at this page
Married a Cold Fish or Psychologically Unfit to Marry or Untrained Woman ? What to Do ?
| By JAMES on Wednesday, May 17, 2000 - 12:45 am: |
To all those have inlaws problems. Take heart in the following rules.
1. Your First Responsibility is to your MATE, then Children, your immediate family unit and then your PARENTS.
**Marriage should break the hierarchial bonds with your parents and be redefined according to the new family structure. Indians find this very hard to do, but it must be done. Indian men especially have problems with this idea. Your mother is your mother NOT your wife. Refer to rule #1.
2. Your parents need to take charge of their old age. Get retirement, insurance etc. to support themselves.
**People feel a strong obligation to their parents and thats understandable BUT your support is not a god given right.
**Parents don't have a right to impose themselves on you when they are old. But hopefully you would want to take care of them.
3. In any family argument, your mate should be 1st consideration, then children, then your extended family. You do not have any true obligation other than your family unit. Yes not even to your parents when your responsibilty to them conflicts with your responsiblity to your mate.
NOTE: I realize my suggestions sound sterile and impersonal. But they serve a purpose, they provide a firm structural foundation for a family.
| By grasshoper on Monday, June 05, 2000 - 03:18 am: |
Grasshopper to Tronto girl.....
Hi I think u are full of •••• you did know that when u were in India that you gonna leave him when u reach over there in canda every girl or boy says that I canot stand him.
Girls like u they are not worth to live on this world you have been living here if your marriage was not working you wouldn't have ask in your message that would it effect my visa status because u are use less and small piece of •••• try to make his life miserable. I was in the same situation but I never let her come to canada...If u get divorce you should leave canada than I will think that you are honest why are u living here in Canada than go back to your old house there is nothing like love if you love him you can fix him or compromise him you give your efforts first.YOu have to show the interest to get the trust.
| By myddf on Friday, June 30, 2000 - 11:54 am: |
i would like to respond to the fellow who posted the inlaw rules stating the priorities of a wife in indian culture...i am a white christian female and just for your interest i will explain the differances in which i (a christian) was raised.
he stated that 1) mate is first on the list
2) children second on list
3) immediate family (i would presume
this pertains to inlaws as wife
resides with inlaws)
4) your own parents
christian rules1) children first
2) parents second
3) husband
4) lastly, inlaws
when a women gives birth to a child, she has a bond and obligation eternally to that child..from the conception onwards. the innocent baby is nutured and guided to adulthood...somewhat like a mother bird raising her young to learn to fly and eventually leave the nest to build her own. therefore the innocent child is first priority for any woman.
second obligation and loyalty is to my parents who have raised me out of pure love and truley sacrificed to do so. through good times and bad, the parents love is unconditional and it is my duty to show respect and appreciate their values and all they do for me.
third is the husband, this is not a blood relative...the only pure love i feel is that of my own blood. christians worship this concept via communion "the wine represents the blood of christ and the taking of bread, the father"
last but not least would be the inlaws...also not blood relatives...their true loyalties and love are for their own...not the wife that is married into the family.
| By Anonymous on Friday, July 14, 2000 - 11:05 pm: |
I really think that you're full of it. The most important person is your wife(husband), children then family (inlaws or parents). Do you know what marriage is all about?. The wife/husband have a bond to each other not matter what, the children are formed from this bond and that unitize the whole family has a unit.
Family - yes are very important but if my inlaws don't treat me well why should I care about them and their feeling when they have no respect for me. For duty, what about their duty to my husband and his family. My parents, they love and respect me for who I am. They treat me like an adult and do not interfere with our relationship.
| By Scott on Monday, August 14, 2000 - 07:04 am: |
Hello everyone!
My name is Scott and I am looking for an attractive Indian woman for possible marriage. I am a 37 y.o. American male who has never been married. If there are any ladies out there looking to correspond with an American male please write me back at: consrvenow@aol.com
| By Alford on Thursday, September 28, 2000 - 05:37 am: |
What are the arguments for and against marriage as an institution?
| By Editor on Saturday, December 02, 2000 - 08:15 am: |
Domestic Violence, Truth, Reality and Cover Ups ? Let us Face It Now
We have started a new major discussion on this topic.
Kindly click the above link to enter.
Gopan, Sri and other friends your messasges have been moved to the above new page.
Your opinions are invited.
ed.
| By Anonymous on Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 12:38 am: |
My name is Dheepi
I am an Indian, I came from India 6years ago. I study here, I fix computers. I have great job, but my husband own's a resturent, He wants me to work in his resturent, which I don't like at all. I need help. Can somebody tell me what should I do. He does not unterstand this. I worked really hard to get my education and this job. But He does not have any value of that. When ever I tried to talk to him, he says your parents teaches to do that. He is totally agained my parents. Hellp Please. My parents even don't care what I am doing.
| By Anonymous on Thursday, June 21, 2001 - 08:30 pm: |
Hi!
I am from india but i was brought up in the gulf...last year i married a cute guy from my place in india who was brought up in india but was working in the US....it was an arranged marriage.....i agreed to the marriage because i thought since he has been to the states, we wouldn't have much problems later on....but i was wrong...we like each other but we cant agree on a single thing...not even the channels to watch on TV....
i am really sad....
please advice....
| By priya on Thursday, June 28, 2001 - 10:34 pm: |
before marriage did you meet ur husband? or did you base your choice on his looks? or did you even have a choice? What type of communication problems are you having?
| By Anonymous on Friday, June 29, 2001 - 09:24 pm: |
Thank you, priya...
I met him once and spoke very little over the phone...my family decided he was a good choice and i agreed...we are not having any big problems but i get very upset when we argue....he likes to watch the news and animal documentaries..i like to watch comedies and movies.....he wants to go back to india..i dread going back to india...he wants to live with his parents ...i dont know how i am going to manage that...
what really makes me upset is he wants me to be like the other indian wives who enjoy cooking and cleaning ...i tried to enjoy cooking but i really stink at that....
his parents have come for vacation here and are staying with us..they also feel that i'm a wife not good enough for their son...they want me to change all my habits...
I dont even know whether anyone one else is having problems like mine...i dont like being a traditional indian housewife(like how it is portrayed in indian movies) ..i just want life to be happy and fun( without any enemies especially in the family)....he also wants the same thing but in a so-called indian traditional way...
i really need some help...i tried to change for 1 year ..i tried to like what he likes and adjust with his family but it is not helping....i'm just acting... i'm still the same person inside....
please advice or give me some hints to deal with situation...
thank you once again
| By Well Wisher on Sunday, July 01, 2001 - 09:30 am: |
Hi Priya,
Seems like you and your husband's values are very different. Its too bad that you did not have an opportunity to discuss each other's likes or dislikes prior to deciding to get married. Many of these values are deep rooted because of the different upbringing both of you had. How old are you....is there also a big age gap between the two of you?
Obviously looks/attraction towards your spouse is important to some extent since you are going to be seeing this person daily.....but marriage is much more than that....its about mutual commitment, unconditional love, trust, sacrifice and, most importantly, compromise for each other. Try to have a frank discussion with your husband without getting emotional or upset and encourage him to do the same. As long as both of you are not extremely rigid in your beliefs, you should be able to come up with a compromise plan to change the situation. First focus on what are the major areas of agreement and see how you can bring about a gradual change in the other areas. The question that both of you need to think about is: Do you love each other or was it just an infatuation early on which is gone now? Do you see yourself growing old together? The will has to be there from "both sides" to make a marriage work.
Hint: To have a long and happy marriage, often you need to do things unselfishly for the sake of your partner not just for yourself.
Let me clarify and say that I am referring to both sexes....however, since you have raised the problem, I am suggesting you take the initiative first....and see if things change....this way you are taking control of your marriage...and, therefore, your life. Best of luck...
| By Well Wisher on Sunday, July 01, 2001 - 09:01 pm: |
Sorry Priya....my comments were meant for Anonymous!
| By priya on Monday, July 02, 2001 - 02:19 am: |
Anonymous,
It sounds like you just based your marriage on atraction. Wrong move! The most beautiful ppl can have the worst hearts, to into themselves to much. That is a 50/50 shot tho.. I dont understand, if you keep the house clean and take care of him what is he complaining about? Okay not everyone is the best cook, but in time I am sure you would be a great cook. Have you tried cooking together, that can be romantic, although you did mention the inlaws staying with you. That can be tough too, this gives you and your husband no time alone together. I agree with Wellwishers suggestions. You need to ask your spouse what exactly is he looking for, because it definitly does not happen like it is in the hindi movies...everyone has a bad day every no and then. Have you tried pampering him? Do a bit of a test run for 1 week, spoil your spouse, give him exactly what he wants, put yourself last.... if he complains after that, he may be be a person with a negative personality. As for his family trying to change you into the wife they want you to be, well, try doing some of those things, but in your own way that makes you feel good about yourself, it does not have to be exactly their way. Let me know what happens.
| By Anonymous on Friday, July 13, 2001 - 05:48 pm: |
Thanks for your advice and time, priya and well wisher....
I tried talking....sometimes we keep talking and decide to do certain things(when we are friends)....but later on when we argue..we dont talk and all those decisions are forgotten....and we are 2 complete strangers...
Whenever he has a problem...i always help him out whether we are friends or enemies....but if i have a problem...he is not even bothered when we are enemies...other times he tries to help....
Also he prefers to sleep than talk with me..i used to think it was because he is tired.....but when it comes to talking with his parents...he is not tired or sleepy.....i cant understand that...
i tried pampering him before....he liked it but just took it for granted...and thought as a wife..that is my job....
Now we are not talking...and living like roommates living together just so that no one else would know....about us....
I'm very hurt...i know he is not a bad guy....but all his decision-making is controlled by his ego..i guess....i think most men have that problem....
Only God can help me now..i guess...
Anyway thank you both for ur time and concern.
| By Well Wisher on Sunday, July 15, 2001 - 11:59 am: |
Anonymous,
Sorry to hear that things are still not working out between you and your husband. It seems to me that he does not understand the gravity of the problem. By not talking, both of you are just avoiding the issues and it will only get worse with time. You said when you try to talk to him, he does not want to listen and prefers to go to bed. When you try to talk to him, are you yelling at him or talking calmly.....is it very late at night when you are trying to have this discussion? Often times men will not respond to angry remarks or comments so as to avoid a heated argument in the middle of the night....hoping that by morning things will be back to normal.
Have you ever told him how you feel.....that you are having serious reservations about this marriage? You need to be able to communicate this message very clearly to him at the right time when things are going fine between you.....he will be more willing to listen then. At the same time, you need to make sure that you tell him that you would like to meet him half way in making this marriage work and that he needs to come up half way too. The reason I suggest this approach is because you have stated a number of times that often times he is good, helpful, etc. I don't think you can just leave it up to God.....they say God helps only those who are willing to help themselves.
I must say that I do not agree with the statement "all his decision-making is controlled by his ego..i guess....i think most men have that problem....". I am a man and do not let my ego get in the way of all my decision making. I think you are over-generalizing but most of us tend to do that at times when we are frustrated or upset. I have gone through that difficult phase as well so I can understand. Although I am divorced, I still believe that it should be taken up only as a last resort except in cases of fraudulent marriages and/or physical or verbal abuse by either sex.
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, July 17, 2001 - 08:32 pm: |
Hi Well Wisher,
I have given all of this a lot of thought....there is no love in our marriage.....so nothing is going to help....either i have to stay in the marriage to keep my parents happy and avoid the social stigma attached to being divorced...or i should forget about everybody including my brothers and parents and live by myself without any friends.... both are difficult..so when i get the guts..i guess i have to take my own life....and end this story.....
Anyway thanks for all your advice
| By Anonymous on Saturday, September 15, 2001 - 12:05 am: |
Hi Well Wisher,
my sister-in-law just left my brother for the very same reason, as one female was complaining(priya ? or annonymous : Too many annonymous people a tad difficult to discern as to who is questioning and who is answering- anyway if individuals could just use a number or initials- ??? just a thought)- i rudely digress-
Her complaint was: Incompatibility, and fought about everything bull •••• and just dumped my brother. divorce is nearing rapidly.
just matter of signing the papers.
My brother : US citizen
his wife (soon to be ex): indian citizen.
Wedding took place: In India
both- Hindus
It is possible that the wedding took place for
the wonderful green card.of course- can't prove a damn thing.
SOmeone please help!
1. Does he file the papers in the US or India?
2. Can she receive an alimony?
3. This was an arranged marriage.
No problems- it was abrupt.
Her only problems toward the marriage:
1. "I'm confused"
2. "I feel guilty"
3. "I have done injustice to the family"
4. "We are incompatible"
5. "Wish to leave the marriage- but would not tell
us why nor give any reasons"
her response: "I don't have to give a reason to walk out of the marriage"
Could anyone shed some light?
Or is it really clear, and we are not seeing things clearly as our family is in shock?
thanks.