Please do not abandon yourself, loose time, mourn, repeat the same, depress or kill yourself. Life is as good as you want it to be.
A Divorce IS NOT the end of the world.
You deserve to be happy, content and need to recycle your emotions. There are too many fish in the ocean. There is someone great waiting for you, somewhere, go and find out.....
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 14, 1999 - 11:46 am: |
Hi,
Can someone PLEASE tell me from their experience
the minimum and maximum amount of the maintenance
cost in U.P? I know its varies from state-to-state in india. Does it depends on the husband's income?
Also how many times I need to appear at the court
and the risk involved as I live in U.S?
We are seperated for more than 3 years and they are harassing my old and sick parents!
I would really appreciate your suggestions/comments...
Thank you,
| By ashapaul on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 01:25 pm: |
Reg. T49
Not all marriages are made in heaven, with best of
efforts some are a mis-match and the ones involved
are the best to decide to the extent they have got
to know one another. If peace can be made - fine, otherwise with temporary reconciliation there can be repeated history. Well life is too
short to move with too many regrets, but while you
put in your effort stay cool and see what happens
if you have faith do pray as there is something
the creator can do what we cannot. Asha
| By T49 on Sunday, May 09, 1999 - 07:39 am: |
my brother and bhabhi (sister-in-law) are going thru a divorce and I would really like to help them get togather again. Can someone help?
| By Princess on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 09:46 pm: |
T49,
Did you say two other people are going through divorce? So how is it your business?
I'm sorry to sound harsh but it really isn't. So if two people are making a mature divorce to do whatever they want to with their life stay out of it.
If they were looking to get together and you were asking the question then it's a different ballgame.
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, October 06, 1999 - 03:14 pm: |
MINE IS A MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE.
GOT MARRIED JUST 6 MTHS BACK, MY WIFE HAS A LOT OF GUILT IN HER ABOUT HER EARLIER LIFE, HER FRIENDS CIRCLE, HER BAD HEALTH, HER POOR FAMILY BACKGROUND, AND OTHER FAMILY ISSUES. I AM OPEN MINDED AND ACCEPT THAT ANY EDUCATED GIRL CANNOT REMAIN WITHOUT SOCIAL LIFE -NO ISSUES ON MY PART.
TO OVERCOME HER GUILT AND INFERIORITY COMPLEX, SHE
DOMINATES ME A LOT. SHE ALSO IS A PESSIMIST AND DOES NOT TRUST ME. SHE HAS TRIED COMMITING SUICIDE IN HER COLLEGE DAYS IN RETALIATION TO A QUARREL WITH HER FATHER. SHE ALSO THREATENS TO COMMIT THE SAME WHENEVER I DISAGREE WITH HER ON ANY ISSUE. SHE ALSO IS NOT ENJOYING GOOD HEALTH JUST BECAUSE OF HER HABITS. ANY ATTEMPT TO IMPROVE HER RESULTS IN ARGUMENTS AND SHE ANYWAY DOES NOT GIVE AN EAR TO ANY OF MY SAYINGS. SHE ALSO THREATENS ME THAT SHE SHALL WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE SAYING THAT I AM DOWRY CRAZY. MY MOTHER STILL TAKES CARE OF THE HOUSEHOLD, SHOPPING, COOKING ETC BUT MY WIFE AVOIDS WORK ON SOME HEALTH GROUND OR THE OTHER. I HAVE TRIED SPEAKING TO HER PARENTS BUT THE ARE BIASED AND ARE NOT WILLING TO CO-OPERATE. PLEASE HELP ME TO EASE TENSIONS IN MY HOUSEHOLD
| By Princess on Wednesday, October 06, 1999 - 05:52 pm: |
Anonymous,
What kind of habits and health problems? Can you elaborate? I'm trying to understand if this really is a physical condition that is causing real problems or a mental condition on her part that is being hard for people to understand. Oftentimes people's past bothers them and takes the best of them, usually that pushes them into depression. I'm having a hard time why she is turning disgruntled on you and your family. Regardless it is unfair.
You need to sit her down with her family and tell them to make her understand or you will back out of the marriage. Sometimes people need a jolt to wake up. If she's attempted suicide before and has been mentally unstable before and has become so now you never know what it would be. If she does do something stupid it will be a terrible thing overall, for you and her. That bit about the threatening note about dowry is not normal or ethical and you shouldn't allow her to do this.
Perhaps you need a break from eachother or someone else to mediate between you. Often in the Indian culture people don't go outside of their marriage with their problems because you don't take laundry out and they end up ruining their marriages. Get help whichever way you can. Either she can go live with her folks for a month or so till she cools down, has time to think and you aswell or get counseling. But a situation like this isn't healthy.
| By everest on Tuesday, October 12, 1999 - 09:33 pm: |
this is for sunshine can u tell me something more about u.
i think u seems to be a quite well matured and sensible lady i am also going through divorce. hope if we can be friends first and see if it works out or else as we are from the same boat we can help eachother and learn something from eachothers experience.
hope to hear from u soon.
| By Raj on Monday, October 18, 1999 - 03:25 am: |
Hi Friends,
I am reading this board for many days. I need some advice.I was married 2.5 years back in India and we have 18 months old son. I am facing problems. My wife tried to suicide thrice as she is depressed.I donot understand what makes her happy despite my best efforts. I can't decide due to my son.
I wants to know:
1. Who gets the custody of son?
2. How much times it takes to get divorce in India as I am on H-1 visa?
Thanks
| By Bhima Patel on Wednesday, October 20, 1999 - 10:08 am: |
Raj,
If you divorce you could drive the mother of your son to Suicide! Man at least try to get her some medical help. She is taking care of your kid while you are in the US. Why do you have to divorce.
While she is in Hindusthan you have alot of options. You can still be the head of the family and also make sure she gets the help she needs. Also I am sure both your families can help you out.
Besides you are on a H1 visa you might have to go back sooner or later.
Don't abandon your wife. Save your marriage and your wife. Do your duty as a father and husband.
| By Mia on Friday, November 12, 1999 - 02:22 pm: |
I have been contemplating divorce for the last 6 months or so. My husband is from India and I was raised here. He married me on the rebound, something I discovered after the wedding. He wants a perfect wife, someone like his mother who cooks, cleans etc. He also wants a wife who works 9 to 5. This is all fine with me but, it just seems that I am expected to do everything, if he would even help me out alittle bit I'd love it. But the main thing is that he has gotten both physically and mentally abusive and last night was the last straw for me. I found out that he has been hiding money from me for the last three months and meanwhile letting me think that we are struggling financially. It's a constant struggle for me to live with him in a home where I am told everyday that I am fat, stupid, ugly and that I have ruined his life by marrying him. He has made threats againest my grandfather and other relatives I have in India if I ever try to leave him. Please help, we had a registered marriage in India, do I need to go back there if I want a divorce or can I do it fomr here???
Please send me a reply at mia6673@yahoo.com
| By Jas on Friday, November 12, 1999 - 03:09 pm: |
Hi
I was just browsing through some sites when i came across this one and found it a very interesting read. I myself have been divorced too and it is reassuring to know that there are other people out there that understand what you are going through. I was 22 and had just finished my education when i got married. It was an arranged marriage but i had ample oppurtunity to get to know the gentleman in question. To be honest i was really happy and quite looking forward to getting married. I guess all girls dream about how good it will be and how we will do everything together and live happily ever after. To me married life turned out to be completely different to what i had expected or had seen in other people's marriages. Me and my husband both lived with his parents and his older brother and wife. This i did not mind really. It was not long into the marriage when my husband started to come home late or not at all. Communication between us completely broke down. He would come home in the early hours of the morning and i would get out of bed and make him some food, then he would also expect me to sleep with him too. I did so just for the sake of my marriage not because i loved him. My parents had done a lot for me throughout my life and i felt ashamed to go back to them and tell them my marriage was not working. I could not hurt them like this. Sometimes things got so bad that i felt like ending my life but again the thought of my parents would stop me. I hated my in-laws for not giving me any support. They knew my husband was comiing home late and drunk but decided to turn a blind eye to it all. Aslong i was home on time from work and i would cook and clean that's all that mattered to them. However, if i came home late one evening or if i was too tired to sit with them and went to bed early they would start gossiping about me and complaining to my husband.
Soon even they started to take advantage of the fact that my husband and me were not communicating. One night at about 2.00am my father in law came into my bedroom when he knew y husband was not there and tried to make a pass at me. To me this was the last straw. I told my husband what had happened, and that evening when i came home from work i was summoned into the main room. There my father in law accused me of all sorts, making out that he only came into the room to see if my hubby was there. He said that i was dragging his name through the mud and that i was to no longer speak to any of them and that if they were in one part of the house that i was not to go there.
I so badly wanted to get out of that hell hole. I could not believe what i was having to go through i thought these kind of things only happened in the movies or to other people. I was born here in the UK was educated and had a good job. Surely these kind of things only happened in india....or so i thought.
After that i used to go to work get something to eat on the way home and used to just stay in my bedroom. I pretended that everything was normal to my family and used to laugh and joke with them when i visited them. When all i wanted to do so badly was for my mom to take me in her arms so that i could cry my heart out and for her to tell me i did not have to go back.
One day my father in law rang up my parents and called them around. He told them that i did not talk to anyone in the family and that i used to just live in my bedroom. Also that i was making false accusations about them to turn their son against them. My family were shocked they did not even know that anything was wrong with my marriage. being daughter's parents they asked for forgiveness on my part to my inlaw's. My father in law insisted i touched his feet o he would not forgive me. That was as low as i was prepared to go because he knew he was wrong. But for my parents sake i went and touchedhis feet.
I then realised that my parents now know my marriage is not all what i had cracked it up to be. I was going to change things now. I then made a few investiagtions about my husband where he was going why he stayed out so late. Turned out he had a child with a previous girlfriend before we were married. He was leading a double life. I confronted him with all this and he denied it. I told his parents too and they were not prepared to believe it. I then left him and went home to my parents and sobbed my heart out to them. My parents and brothers were very supportive their only gripe was that i should not have suffered alone for so long. Truth always comes out in the end and my husband admitted that he had a child.
I am now divorced but what i have realised is that people act like you have some kind of disease if you are divorced. I might be wrong but i think there is a less of a stigma on men who are divorced then on women. People think thats it you should now have no say in who you are going to marry. That you should just praise the lord and thank him if you are lucky enough for another man to accept you at all. Why??? i don't believe i have done anything. I have people looking at my and shaking their heads in sorry oh poor her she is divorced.. so what i would rather be divorced and getting on with my life then living in an unhappy marriage. I have seen people approach my parents with marriage proposals that they normally would not have done. They tell my parents about guys that are illegal immmigrants or mentally or physically challenged because they feel that i should not be even looking at someone who is educated ambitious, goodlooking...oh no they are for the virgins. I think thats what it boils down to...you have been married and now it's common knowledge that you are no longer "pure". Whereas another girl could have had several boyfriends slept around with every tom dick or harry, but because no one knows she is perfect. Nobody cares about the real reason for a divorce but just the word divorce is enough for them to do a whole character analysis of the type of person you are.
I hope that we can understand more and teach our children not to have such backward thinking. It's up to us to change things these Auntie Ji's are a lost cause.
Ooooops i can't believe i have gone on for so long...i' just like to finish off by saying that there is light at the end of the tunnel....i'm getting re-married next week to a fantastic guy he is not divorced is good looking and has a great personality.....so sorry aunti ji :)
| By Stand up on Friday, November 12, 1999 - 03:56 pm: |
Jas,
Here is a perfect example of an Indian Hypocracy. No longer any Indians should have a "Hollier than Thou" attitude, this shows that Indians are not much different in their "loose morals" and "FAMILY VALUES" then Western folks.
Excellent example for young women.
Gosh... what we women have to go thru in life. Aside from lustful men, in-laws, rapes, murders, sexual, mental and physical abuse, sexual harrasement... and much more.
Your story should open up eyes of young women who think that marriages are made up of fairy tale or unrealistic expectations. I am sure...you are a one strong woman now having gone thru this. No one should have to tolerate the treatment you went thru. Your in-laws were liars, unfair and out right did not care for what is right/wrong? I admire you for still respecting them despite of their cruel behavior towards you. What a low life family?
Perhaps, next time you can tell us how you met your fiancee and husband to be. :-)) wish you lots of luck.
Jas,
How long were you married before you found out he had a child? How/when did this affair begin? What king of women was other woman that allowed him to go home to you?
| By Stand up on Friday, November 12, 1999 - 04:04 pm: |
Mia,
You need to be strong for yourself. Emotionally and mentally. Have a talk with your husband that what he is doing is unfair. His behavior is unfair, and not of an educated, sound minded individual. He is unrealistic in his expectations.
Quiet frankly, he sounds like he is looking for a servant for his needs of clean, cook and have sex. This is not an equal marriage or a happy marriage. Mia, you or any other women in your shoes will not be able to fullfill his unrealisitc "super woman" role. However, if he thinks other woman can do that super woman job...more power to her if she wants to be his maid and be treated like one. Relinquish the servant role happily.
Your husband seems to be a typical spoiled Indian man who happens to think women exists for only certain things "his needs". At best, a child like thinking based on unreasonable and emotionally imature thought process.
| By Indiangirl on Friday, November 12, 1999 - 07:32 pm: |
jas
Thank you for sharing your story with us!!! I am so glad that you took a step against these so called "human-beings!!!!!" They are a sorry bunch of losers.......how can people behave like that??? That's what gets to me......I mean, what if your ex in-laws had a daughter who was being treated the way you were.....would they feel the same?? Ofcourse not!!!! These people forget the little fact that their daughter-in-laws are also somebody's daughter or sister.............
You are also right about the ridiculous thinking people have about divorce. I mean, I am not in favor of it or anything but it is definately better to get out of a bad marriage when you have exhausted all resources to make it work, than stay in it and be miserable or make other lives involved in it miserable also!!!!! You have to look out for your happiness, it is not the people get more than one chance to live their lives and be happy!!
I am happy that you have found someone to love you in a way that you know you deserve.........See, nice things always happen to nice people.........yeah, what now aunti ji?????
| By Princess on Friday, November 12, 1999 - 07:36 pm: |
Mia,
I'm so sorry to hear about your plight. Regardless of where your marriage was registered if you are a US citizen or resident you can file for divorce here. You should find out more details from a divorce lawyer. However before you do all that you might want to realize that it my just be a communication problem and may be fixed. You can still work on your marriage if you haven't yet started. Seek help from family, friends and professionals if you have to. Maybe your husband is just "thick in the head" and doesn't realize he's screwing up his marriage.
Jas,
You go girl!!!! Good for you. You persevered and found yourself a man. Your example is not rare. I've seen this happen and heard it from a lot of people. People are hypocrites and you are better of without those people. My parents are divorced and believe it or not people think it's some kind of a heriditary disease that can be passed onto the next generation! I don't bother to explain. Action speaks louder then words. People that matter to me don't really believe that and accept me as the human that I am. I wish you all the best in your future. Please keep posting and do tell us how you met your fiancee :-)
| By Jimmy on Tuesday, November 23, 1999 - 01:08 am: |
Hi, you can call me Jimmy, my case is a little different,
I had a love marriage with a Catholoc girl who is
almost 8 years older than I am. Her parents were against our marriage because I am from a Hindu family, but we got married anyway. Everything was ok until she got pragnent in the first month we married.
My mother in law is the most dominating person I ever met. She has 7 children, 5 married and 4 couples have a very serious problems, same kind of problem
(mother in law) Whatever she says everybody has to do that, she is very healthy 60 years old woman, i know she cannot change but the sad part is my wife doesn't stand by me.
Here are some of my problems, I named my son Suraj
and my mother in law changed his name to Ricky, I cannot even name my own son, I asked my wife to make our sone a vegetarien and she agreed but my mother in law not only she feeds him ( her leftover chicken boans to chew) but also cow and pork, in spit of my wife and I asked her not to. Unfortunately my wife doesnt stand by me she says it is ok,
I asked her before our marriage that we will take our kid to the church and the tample as well, we are not going to babtise him until he is ready to decide what he wants to be but her mom babtise him on my back
when i was travelling abroad.
These are some of my problems and the sad part is that my wife is not standing by me at all. Her family lives just a couple of blocks and I asked her to move a little far but she is refusing. I am so crazy about my son that I don't want to think about divorce but every time we have a small discussion she asks me to go away. My son is just 2, I can't even imaging my life without him, but her rudeness has gone out of control. I am so confused in taking any step, I would appreciate if you can advise me what to do.
Thanks.
| By Saudamini on Tuesday, November 23, 1999 - 09:54 am: |
Hi Jimmy
Where do you live ?
Can you write about your wife's family. Are they Indian origin ? Would like to comment but need to know more.
| By Jimmy on Tuesday, November 23, 1999 - 09:40 pm: |
Hi Saudamini, Thanks for replying, yes my wife and her family is from Madras, before I got married I was vorned by my sister in law ( my wife's brother's wife,
about my mother in law. I also told about this to my wife but she hates her sis in law anyway so she said they never liked her for some reason.
I am Sindhi ( Hindu) and she is catholic englo/Indian)
My wife has been living since 11 years and she is all
massed up culturewise, I am not quite aware of Indian Christian culture but my wife she has Americanised in some ways convinient to her.
It is so complicated to understand women sometimes
I hver tried to be my best to be the best husband i could, I use to respect her a lot.
I live in Ohio, USA.
| By Princess on Thursday, November 25, 1999 - 11:21 pm: |
Jimmy,
I'm very sorry to hear about your problems with your wife. Your mother-in-law is interfering in your marriage and the only person that can fix that is your wife not your mother-in-law. At 60 she isn't going to change but your wife is the only one that can decide the boundries.
Your child's upbringing and decisions about his life should be 100% made by you and your wife and no one else regardless of whose parent it is. If your wife is breaking this trust and agreements that you had before marriage then it's not only unhealthy for your marrriage but for your child to grow up confused. It's a terrible shame that this is happening.
Have you tried talking to your wife about this? Have you tried getting someone else to talk to her? What are her answers to all this? Does she love you? Respect you? Can you move away from your mother-in-law into a different town? I wish I had a solution for you. In-laws whether it's the husband's parents or wife's parents can be a real pain in the ass and add to already existing complexities of a marriage. Couple's have enough problems to deal with on their own much less have a catalyst sitting around waiting to create problems.
| By Jimmy on Monday, November 29, 1999 - 11:08 pm: |
Dear Princess,
Thanks for replying, before I start, I would like to say something to you, You are a great caring person.
There are very very few people who takes some minuts from their valuable time to help people who need advise. I appreciate and I am sure there are
millions of people appreciate. I wish sometimes I would be the happiest man on the earth if I would have a nice and caring wife like you.
Now ref. to my ( so called wife ) I took her to the marriage cnsuler, she agreed in front of the consuler that her mother is bossy but it didnt help us at all because she is acting the same. The only solution I see is if we move away from her family then it might be better but she is refusing to do so.
I have a plan, if I get a job in some other state then I will ask her to move with me and if she doesn't then I will do so by myself and give her few months to think.
If she doesn't move then she doesnt love me.
What you think Princess?????
| By Roxie on Wednesday, December 01, 1999 - 01:19 am: |
I hate to go off topic here, but has any heard or is in touch with LondonGirl? The last i read was that she has just gotten out of the hospital cause het husband had apparently beaten her up again. That was in October, and i haven't seen any thing since.
Thanks,
Roxie
| By SS on Sunday, December 05, 1999 - 04:15 am: |
I was married in India ten months ago. Now we are at stage where both parties are looking for a divorce. Matters are complicated with my in-laws threatening me with false charges of emotional and physical harassment to my wife. My wife had been a paranoid and acted on her whim and has a loose temper. She made herself miserable and I was helpless as she was directing it all on me. Now, she is back in India with her parents, plotting a conspiracy against my family. We have hired a lawyer now. I want to know if I can apply for a divorce in the Unites States court.. as I live in the US, and get the marriage annuled through the US government and thereby reduce all the court delays if I were to do it in India.
| By Pk Kapila on Wednesday, December 22, 1999 - 02:41 pm: |
Dear SS
I feel your state of mind. I do understand your difficult dilemma, your angst and your helplessness. It costs a lot, to build up a real relationship. Let me tell you a simple wedding ceremony, besides the material costs, it can be the holiest yet it remains a ceremony, will not make you married.
The marriage of two persons is beyond the rituals and formal ties between families. Thats just tip of the iceberg. Real thing is man and woman and their basic behaviour and undertanding of each other.
First of all let me tell you that you need not lose your heart, just relax, write down chronologically each day, event in brief, review them and be fair to yourself and to her or her family.
They may be acting bizarre to press you under the social pressure which is very strong in India. In India you know by now, that divorce is the STAMP on a forehead - which is dreadful for any person. For a woman this is worse. Her chances of remarriage, specially in India, are less. However times are changing and people are dealing with it more openly. They want to hide though as much as they can for the social shame is the ultimte disgrace.
Can you kindly write more detailed account of your marriage, your knowing her, your time with her, what were her comlaints, expectations etc. Please also write how long you have lived in the US and if she was exposed to faster life style.
We can not criticize her, as that means we are weak. May be you failed to deal with a woman or her. May be you both were not compatible.
Please write the details. I have studied relationship astrology for a long time and i have always wanted to know what makes the chemistry work between the two.
If you email or post me yours and hers birthdates with year i can possibly look at your conflicts and harmonious points.
On the other hand, if you are sure that you have left no stone unturned and you are not able to bear the relationship further, You can divorce here in the US in any state. In fact your own state should be ok. In Nevada you can get a divorce without the other person present. In some other states the laws may require both to be physically present.
If tell me the state where you are I can look for info for you and give you some clues.
Please do not worry about the legalities in India as the courts in India run slow and before they go for this kind of case they will think twice as its costly and can drag for years.
If Indian court case is filed you may be requied to go there but you can always send a lawyer to rep you.
My feeling is that you should not confront with your in laws and try to see the issue from their angle.
Please write them a long detailed letter on the whole story, your true feelings.
Let them know that you are interested to find an amicable solution for both parties.
With love and friendship you can solve any riddle, with anger, hate and threats you lose it all.
May be you can still fix all.
Please write.
| By boonzy on Sunday, December 26, 1999 - 05:33 am: |
hi
i've been looking for help on net for some time now and came across this site,i hope i'll be able to shed some of my worries here.
i'm 26 yr old female and a doctor.when i was 21 i was married and it was a totally arranged one as it happens in 85% of the cases in pakistan.my ex husband was a drunk and abused me from the very second day of our married life.those 2 months of my life were terrible,i was almost in a state of shock,even tried to commit suicide,but survived.after 2 months of marriage i came home and told my parents that this has to end.i came out of that realtionship and completed my medicine and my internship too.recently i heard my parents making plans for marrying me again.i'm really afraid because this time too they will make the selection and i don't have the right to even say no.my mother is very ill and i know they can use it as an excuse.i live with them and have no other option then to say yes to who ever they select.i'm really depressed and even took an overdose of sleeping pills but survuved again.please do help me so that i get my piece of mind back.
| By Pk Kapila on Sunday, December 26, 1999 - 06:57 am: |
Dear Boonzy
Well quite original alias! Sunane me lagta hai jaise ansuo ki boonde bahut tapki hain.
First of all welcome to this site as it is shared by all people of South Asia or Indian sub continent. Pakistani culture is not a foreign culture as its exactly the same as Indian culture. While we all take pride in defending our ageold traditions when talking to strangers, we do know in heart that some of these customs can also be terribly mind boggling.
Please kindly take note that YOU are not the first one not the last one, nor you are lonely. There are virtually millions of people like us who go through unwanted, undesired traumas which are like heavy loads of bags always placed on the shoulders of our mind. We do carry such heavy weight on our soul that all other pains become smaller and since most of the time we have no one to share with, this load can be awesomely impossible to carry for one.
You need not worry. You are going to unload all this heavy load before end of this year and century.
You are going to talk, meditate, write and communicate all your feelings, fears, desires and pains. If no one is there I am going to listen to you and talk to you. I have a feeling that you will be a new person soon.
You need not even use the pills of any kind in future as they will mess up your system and block you further. Throw away all these pills within 2 days. You will never need them anymore. We will talk about remedies and solutions which will remove your load forever and will make you a very strong person again.
Please do understand that your parents like most, just think they are doing a great favor to you by finding a match for you. In fact they are doing but alas they do not know that times have changed. They are probably right in their mind, and they are simply following the trends and track which most other parents have followed in India and now in Pakistan for past thousands of years.
In most of the cases, because of social shame, badnami ka dar, log kya kahenge and larki jawaan ho gayi, iske haath peele kardo..most parents actually sacrifice their kids by following a tradition and do not train, nor orient the children. There is hardly any serious attempt to find the true compatibilities of two people and they are simply knotted together like two sheeps.
Boonzy I ask you to close your eyes, think many times, what i say, and scratch your head a few times, sit down, walk and sit down again start writing your days of before marriage and write how did you deal with your days while married, what was the most painful moment, what was the worst nightmare, what was the most negative points you observed and what would you like to have desired in your husband...
Please also write, as clearly as you can and do not be abstract. Once you do that I will write you back with some interesting ideas.
A happy marriage can be a boost to two, an unhappy one can actually break you or almost kill you. But you should thank God that your suffering was very brief...Think about others who go through a living hell and on surface keep smiling. How many times one dies daily you cant imagine. Khair ye marne varne ki bate bhool jayiye....varna apse baate kaise hongi.
In the meanwhile a not so great poem of mine for you:
Thaam lo mera haath
Tumhari duniya ujri naa thi
bass badal gayi
sapne tumhare khoye nahi
bas bikhar gaye
kushiya tumhari khoi naa thi
bas chhup gayi
baadlo mai chaand jaise
tumhare aNsoo jo bahe katra katra
ghataa banke baras jayenge
tumhare gham ke andhere
jo Daste rahe raat bhar
bijliyaaN bankar chamak jayenge
Tumhari thaqi ankhoN mai
jalte hai jo angaare
phool bankar mahak jayenge
tumhare pinjre ki ye uuNchi diwareYn
khuli khiDkiya ban jayeNgi
UttH jayo thaam lo tum mera haath aBB
duur aasmaano mai urH jayeNge hamm
Koi gham na hoga jahaN
chaand taare vahaN ban jayeNge ham
Tum tum na rahoge mai mai na Rahunga
aik hi cheez ban jayeNge hamm !!
| By boonzy on Wednesday, December 29, 1999 - 04:15 am: |
hi,
thanks for the poem,it's really nice,u said that i should write all about my fears.well i don't know where to start from,i think for the past 7-8 yrs,as far as i can remember ,i've been crying like hell.i remember fighting with my father telling him i don't want to marry this early and then was made to feel guilty that my mother is ill and i'll make her more ill.my mental delimma started much before my marriage ,so i was forced into this marriage,it was only then i found out what kind of a man he was.still don't believe that i've survived .
i've bee living with my depression for the past 5 yrs now,never told my parents about it as they too had their problem regarding health and i didn't want to hurt them more,i had another shock when my brother was about to leave country and he told me that i shouldn't blame myself for anything as he had told my father beforehand that that guy wasn't a nice person,but my father didn't listen to him.now i've come to a stage where i'm afraid to trust anybody,not even my own parents,i think that if i keep on like this it will be easier for me to absorb another shock if it comes my way rather than trusting somebody and getting hurt again.i did so much for my parents but now,,,,i don't trust them anymore.i respect them like before,i love them like before,but they've lost my trust in them.
these days i'm trying to study for my postgraduation but amfinding it hard to concentrate as i am very confused and scared,it's not that i don't want to marry but i don't know how i'm going to trust that person too.please do help me if u can......thanks
| By roxanna on Sunday, January 16, 2000 - 11:58 pm: |
Hi everyone, I really need your help. I live in the states and recently met a man from your country. Iam born and raised in the USA, so I`m not familiar with your customs. This man I met really seems to be interested in me and I in him. He has never been married and has no children. I however; was married for five year`s to an abusive man and have children. I have been divorced now for six year`s and would like to remarry. My question is can a Indian man marry a divorced American woman? Please e-mail me if you happen to know thanks!
| By Stand up on Monday, January 17, 2000 - 10:40 am: |
Roxanna,
Be very careful...Most likely it is not acceptable in Indian culture. Keep your eyes open and read other post on this forum. That should give you some idea.
No one, that I know, can predict other human beings, their future and intentions...
Go with your gut feelings or instincts.
| By editor on Wednesday, January 19, 2000 - 03:21 am: |
Roxana
Another of your message was moved from an inappropriate board to a sub-topic Are Indians in the West different than people in India...etc. under Marrying a foreigner : International Marriages etc...
| By happy on Unrecorded Date: |
hi everyone,i am married to an educated person in india.my marrige is in the soup,as i have been tolrating many illogical demands from last 4years.i am very much intrested in sepration now.social and family reasons keep pulling my leg.iam seekig an advice as to how i should proceed in legal matterss. police station /women cell/lawyers etc.makes me littli hesitant for proceedig further.i am looking for legal advice (a sincer legal expert may be, or any one who thinks that an advice may be helpfull for me)
i need to know my legal rights,moral support and hume lawyer and want to know more about divorce femal who have taken right decision on right time.
.
| By happy on Friday, January 21, 2000 - 01:30 pm: |
hi everyone,i am married to an educated person in india.my marrige is in the soup,as i have been tolrating many illogical demands from last 4years.i am very much intrested in sepration now.social and family reasons keep pulling my leg.iam seekig an advice as to how i should proceed in legal matterss. police station /women cell/lawyers etc.makes me littli hesitant for proceedig further.i am looking for legal advice (a sincer legal expert may be, or any one who thinks that an advice may be helpfull for me)
i need to know my legal rights,moral support and hume lawyer and want to know more about divorce femal who have taken right decision on right time.
.
| By Princess on Saturday, January 22, 2000 - 07:00 am: |
happy? Are you?
You make it a point to tell us that you are married to an educated person yet you go on to talk about illogical demands from you but don't specify. Could you please tell us what the problem is and why you are seeking a divorce?
| By MR.KHANDIV on Saturday, January 22, 2000 - 08:30 am: |
princess
I HAVE READ YOUR STUPID AND ILL-ADVISED STATMENTS IN THE PAST AND I FIND YOUR SUGGESTIONS TO BE UNWISE.
NOBODY HAS MADE YOU THE LEADING EXPERT IN DISSEMINATING MARITAL ADVICE, BUT YOU ASSUME THAT YOU CAN SOLVE MARITAL PROBLEMS WITH YOUR " I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR" BULLSHIT ADVICE.
SEVERAL PEOPLE HAVE STATED THAT YOUR NOTHING MORE THAN A RANTING AND RAVING FEMINIST WITH LITTLE UNDERSTANDING ON HOW TO GIVE OBJECTIVE ADVICE.
I AGREE WITH THOSE PEOPLE.
GET MARRIED AND FACE THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF MARRIAGE, THEN COME BACK AND HELP THE PEOPLE ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD.
FOR NOW SHUT UP.
MR.KHADIV
| By Princess on Saturday, January 22, 2000 - 10:09 pm: |
Mr Khadiv,
You are entitled to your opinions, you know we all have them, I certainly do. If you don't like my bullshit take yourself elsewhere. If you've heard people ••••• it's cause they can't handle anyone standing upto them and please spare me the billshit about me being a femininist which I'm not. But thanx for the useless overrated crown. Spare me the garbage will you.
There is not one person on here who I haven't tried helping and talking who hasn't thanked me or written to me. I'm not looking for approval from useless people like you who have nothing better to add to any situation. If you had a better solution for Happy why not offer it instead of crapping at me? If not get off the site yourself. I'm happy talking to people who for the most matter really don't have anyone to talk to and the numerous amounts of people on here who thank me everyday and appreciate that I talk to them is enough for me.
That's my useless two cents to you!
| By Anonymous on Monday, January 24, 2000 - 02:47 am: |
Princess, although I don't always agree with you, there is not one time that I didn't think you were trying to be sincere, helpful, and objective.
| By another anon on Monday, January 24, 2000 - 03:57 am: |
I agree. Princess is sincere and helpful though sometimes not objective.
| By A better anonymous on Tuesday, January 25, 2000 - 03:07 am: |
Khadiv, Anoymous and another anon,
You ignorant Indian men...Just because a woman has strong opinions does not make her a "feminist". Perhaps you are intimidated by her intelligence and strength....If you can't provide a valid counter argument...get off the forum...
The best thing you have been able to come up thus far is name calling... you misterable bigots...go beat up on some passive, uneducated person to gratify your weak ego which seems to compensate for your small size...and get off this discussion group.
| By another anon on Tuesday, January 25, 2000 - 05:25 am: |
I never said I agreed with Khandiv .Some should be given reading glasses here.
| By another anon on Tuesday, January 25, 2000 - 05:27 am: |
Make it somebody.
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 25, 2000 - 03:41 pm: |
Agreed! Perhaps the double negative was confusing...but I supportive of Princess.
| By happy on Thursday, January 27, 2000 - 12:18 pm: |
Hi princess,
Thanks for taking out time and replying to my messg.
& sorry for being late in replying
When i said illogical demands it means the total attitude & and value system of a person.if a person considers his wife (officer)as a healthy salary chk only & dominating by any means i.e insulting,threatning and even physicaly handling,he is not worth living with.
in india men can have all the cake.
women has to suffer eighter at home or out side(if divorced)
I am lookin forward to proffesional guidance for dealing with my case.
yes, i am happy as i have the courage to FACE THE REALITY AND TAKE RIGHT DECISION .
| By pk on Friday, January 28, 2000 - 09:59 am: |
Dear MR.KHANDIV on Saturday, January 22, 2000
Sir
I had invited the person who post as Princess to join us as one of the moderators. You are mistaken.
She is one of the most brilliant and good hearted person who likes to share other people's experiences. She may not be married, divorced or that experienced but she does have an insight into human emotions and she does have a good heart.
If she has her own views on certain issues, it is her own choice and her own conviction. You or anyone else can not shut her up. She is not forcing her opinion on anyone. IF you have any guts and interest, please discuss with her, debate with her on any given issue.
But rejecting her completely as this or that does not reflect an honest view.
We do invite all people to share their compassion, experience, feelings and if even one single person can get benefitted with these writings we feel that we are compensated and our lives fulfilled.
I must tell you Sir, that with these forums we have reached over 4.5 million people or more in past 3 years and we do receive hundreds of letters everyday which are evidence that people do need to express themselves. We are thankful to many of our regular contributors including Princess for extending a helping hand to people who may need another opinion.
Hope you are not offended by these comments but please do not do injustice to anyone.
| By Princess on Saturday, January 29, 2000 - 04:09 am: |
Happy,
I am trying to understand you. Maybe you want to not use so many abbreviations and tell us your problems. Is your husband abusing you? I can understand it is difficult for housewives sometimes to deal and cope with a working husband. However you mention something about you being used as a paycheck. Please help us understand you better if you need people to help you through it.
PS: Thank you everyone for your kind words.
| By Hindu on Saturday, January 29, 2000 - 09:36 am: |
Princess, Pk and others,
I know this is off topic but I had to write this.
Just check the topic:
Security of India - Nuke,Global Defence Scenario.
Under that there is a link ( Pakistani agent posing as Hindu and others)where a person is labelled as a Pakistani agent by the editor.
This above mentioned person was using the handle of Indian Muslim.His posts as far as I have seen have been balanced.The editor has accused him of using the handle Hindu.This cannot be true since I was using the above handle and Iam Hindu.Of course I used other handles but they were not meant to manipulate.
Can any of you tell me how the editor arrived at the conclusion that he is a Pakistani Agent.I believe the editor acted arbitrarily in this manner and the bias is really showing.The editor who wrote that has a lot of soul searching to do.If this is an open forum , everybody has to be given a chance to speak.
| By sleepless in seattle on Saturday, January 29, 2000 - 11:33 pm: |
hi,
i'm 26 a divorcee,my marriage was arranged by my parents but turned out to be a big failure.i couldn't take the abusive treatment and got a divorce.my problem is that i have stoppped trusting men,i've tried to convince my self in everyway but to no avail.i know i'll never trust men,and it;s this thing which is stopping me from having another relationship.at times i do feel lonely but i'm afraid,v afraid because i know i can't take anything hard again,my nerves have become too weak.i want to be loved ,i want to be taken care of but without trust nothing is possible.i'm confused and scared...
| By Pk Kapila on Sunday, January 30, 2000 - 08:45 am: |
Dear Sleepless
It is not the marriages which fail but we fail. Trust me, most of the time, we do fail to sense the direction, and fail to recognize signs of our failures and cracks in the relationship. On the other hand, sometimes we do know that things are truly bad, but we still do not realize till the other person declares or you take the decision to end a relationship.
Relationships are like fresh foods. You have to cook fresh food daily to get best nutritional benefits. Likewise relationships have to be reviewed, and assessed daily. It does not mean that one has to reevaluate every act or every little stuff but we do have to keep it fresh and never repeat NEVER take it for granted.
This is my sincere advice to all friends.
NEVER think you are the best wife or husband. That is same as saying I am the best cook. Nobody can ever know what level of chemistry we are in. Chemistry between two goes up and down. People do change in this fast changing world. Life is pretty awesome with the speed these days. We have to keep ourselves alert.
So just do not believe that all is fine. If you just see a little trouble, mend it right there and try fixing it before a little hole sinks your vessel.
Coming back to Sleepless, your mistrust in all men is a very natural phomemena and it does happen for a period. It is not the mistrust in other sex but it is a sort of disbelief and our own self esteem which goes down.
Sleepless, something similar happened to me some time back and I used to and still do mistrust MOST women. When someone stabs you in the back, it can happen.
Despite all trauma and our own failures in dealing with the reality, we can not go on thinking like that. It is of no use. Trust me you will pass this difficult period and you will find someone in whom you can trust. The trust will not come from the man but from within YOU, when your own self esteem level goes higher.
So take it easy, cool it down, love is like effervescent aspirin which goes up and down quickly. Matrimonial love is a bizarre kind of infatuation which usually is not love but a sort of attachment and getting used to a routine.
First of all you take care of yourself. That is the priority for you. You do not immediately need support of a man. You definitely can live without one, well atleast for a time. Be brave. Try to read, do other activities and come to these boards and read other people's opinions and feelings.
Remember this whole episode which seem to have left you bruised, will serve you as a big lesson or rather consider yourself as a fresh graduate of marriage.
So you have a degree in Marriage now. Consider yourself successful. Most others keep dragging the abusive relations for years and years without realizing that they are going down with their self esteem completely.
You should think yourself very fortunate.
DO not think of men or women or relationships at this moment. Just think of your good experiences and nicer moments. Keep them alive. The darker or bad times are good to remember but only once or twice. If you keep thinking of bad times more than that you will fall in a depression. SO please do NOT get low nor depress yourself. You are not lonely anyway.
You do have friends all around. Open up your eyes.
See I am writing to you as a friend and I do understand your feelings and in fact share with you your hurt and bruised heart. Please note that all men or women are not equal.
It is mainly the mutual compatibility and chemistry between two persons. There are all kind of persons in this world. Some whose chemistry is not to our level seem to be evil to us, but probably they are not that evil, it is simply the compatibility.
So, come on do NOT worry. Have some patience.
Write more on how you feel.
I should call myself sleepless in LongBeach but hey that wont compensate my sleep in any manner. Will it?
| By pk on Sunday, January 30, 2000 - 08:50 am: |
Dear Hindu
I will look into the matter and talk to our editor on monday. Thanks for your opinion but if you have any complaints or problems with the boards please post it on our suggstions or help page and it does reach to all editors and moderators.
| By Pk Kapila on Sunday, January 30, 2000 - 09:04 am: |
Dear Happy
Well you have chosen such an interesting alias despite your suffering. Dear happy, in reality and you can be sure, MOST people who are in marriages do always have complaints.
Women have complaints of men and men of women.
Yet if one has an abusive spouse, which is irrespective of gender, we can be in real trouble.
The decision to leave or not to leave becomes crucial and very very important.
Are you in this moment, thinking of taking a decision or you have taken the decision to quit ?
Thats quite important.
The moment we can not take it any longer, we do make a decision. Our fears, insecurities and social bla bla and parental or family stuff keeps us shut in a stupid relationship without any future.
In a suffocating relationship love anyways, dies out and little affection, created in our heart for the routine of seeing that person often, start wearing out too.
And the time comes when there remains no love at all.
This evaporation process is a bit lengthy.
YOU have to make a list of good and bad points and evaluate yourself what made you have good time with him. What were the better and positive attributes of him. There must be some. We are not talking of his good looks etc. After a time, all this good looks and miss india beauty goes away and you have to face the real music, i mean real classical or shastriya sangeet of marriage which can be good or bad.
Apart from good looks [well in some cases bad looks] what are his good qualities and what are his negative qualities.
In my opinion, before you quit, write him a detailed analysis without being judgemental, what you think of him and relationship. If you cant do that try to talk it in a secure place without provocations or making any criticism. If you both can discuss and talk in an open manner you may fix your marriage.
IF YOU can not do that, find any alternative like bring in a mediator like a close friendly couple or parents or both parents etc. IF that is not possible or fails then you separate for a short period or take vacactions from marriage as they say in Europe, and while at a distance, negotiate in the most amicable way you can.
IF all fails and he does not change his attitude or his cumpulsive behaviour think of future and make your life separate.
In any case, a parallel relation has no future.
Parallels never meet each other.
So this is the surate haal..Please write what is in your mind in details. I think you still have a working relationship so do not break it unless you are decided or tried all options.
Look forward to hear from you
Never feel sorry for anything. This is life.
Dont feel low nor think that woman have less rights or are weaker. Those times of weaker sex etc are history. Women are as smart as an men.
| By HAPPY on Tuesday, February 01, 2000 - 01:48 pm: |
dear pk & princess,
thanks for replying.
i have already tried to communicate my feelings to my husband but he is too selfish and adament to understand them. he just uderstands that wife is to be dominated,& the way he is after money according to him the only way to live life is to attract people with money. these are fixed fundas i.e dominate wife & earn money.
he does not bother for any relationship unless he has hope of getting some favour (very practicle & materialistic)let it be his own parents or elders.
i can make many lists as you said but do you think it is worth bothering if you know that the person concerned can raise hands on you any where any time. you can't live under such circumstances with self respect.and i think any one has right to live with dignity and should not compromise with it just because you are women.
according to me if any men is not respecting any other women let it be wife,or any one ealse that person is not havnig right family bacground & is not going to change his family values.
one should always try to upgrade the chracter rather than degrading yourself for husband. i have tried phsycatrist ,lived seprate for 6 months, but he is not ready to chage rather supports his views of what ever he is doing is right.therefore for me he is not worth wassting my life for .i should be living with self respect & with right morals and values and try to look around for like minded people if something is worth getting it is worth fighting for.
and i am going to fight for justice.idon't know why women thinks that ARJUN MEANS ONLY MEN?
| By by me on Thursday, February 10, 2000 - 11:19 am: |
the more i get to know men the more i hate them,i don't know why but every one of them is so selfish,they might show at times that they care but in the end come back to their original self.i think it's in thier genes.some religions might give them superiority over females but all religions are not like this and i've seen that even in those religions men overpower females.i don't say that thay should change themselfves,what i say is atleast they should give the respect that a female deserves,have they ever realized the ammount of care thay are being given by their female counterparts.thay should atleast realize that all that is done for them by the females is not because that they are your etternal servants but because thay love you and care for you.
i wish someday i could find someone who really knows the meaning of respect of a female....
| By Princess on Monday, February 14, 2000 - 12:59 am: |
by me,
Don't lose heart and don't hate all men because of the few bad ones you met. Religion has less to do with one's behaviour towards the opposite sex however culture, traditions and family has everythign to do with it. So one can be any religion and be a jerk and any religion to be nice. It doesn't matter.
| By Editor on Sunday, March 12, 2000 - 01:12 am: |
Sameer and others
His Story is at this page Run Away Bride : Duped & Distressed by Fraudulent & Mean Family
Please click on this page.
| By Grasshopper on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 04:32 am: |
Grasshopper to Anonyms the fist Message of all the Messages,
There is No law that you have to spourt you husband who lives in India and never came to Canada or U.S you don't have to pay him any thing According to the law people from Canada canot get the support from US so forget about India. US government has no Legal paper sign in between two Gov to suport the husband and wife So Don't worry..........As far as safety is concern if you are US Citizen than when you land in Delhi you Call the US embassy that I have a possiblity of unsafe trip of india they will take their name and adress in case something happened to u those peoples will be held responsible for the damage but don't worry try to put your foot down don't go alone if some body threat u you threat them back and don't blink try tobe focus ..............
Good luck
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, June 21, 2000 - 11:50 pm: |
Indian Divorce related Laws in details
http://hindustan.org/marriage
| By chinmaya on Friday, July 07, 2000 - 05:50 pm: |
Respected Sir/madam,
My name is chinmaya, and i am doing my post-graduation in msw(masters of social work). My thesis topic is transactional analysis and marital conflict.I need to have two cases which deals with the aforementioned topic.
Kindly let me know if you have information on the same.My e-mail address is,
chinmayabadle@hotmail.com .Kinly let me know at the earliest.Thanking you,
sincerely,
chinmaya
| By Desi on Sunday, October 08, 2000 - 10:01 pm: |
Watch the film Dhadkan, you may have some luck!
| By KICHA on Tuesday, November 07, 2000 - 04:13 am: |
A friend of mine recommended this book for reading:
Mars and Venus Together Forever : A Practical Guide to Creating Lasting Intimacy by John Gray .
I'm in a similar situation as most people in here, marriage hanging by a thin thread. But I'm hopeful that I'd be able to do a better job with some good pointers and suggestions. Its funny how small arguments/fights due to some freaking misconceptions can rock the great boat of marriage. But then I realize its these misconceptions and misunderstanding that is the basis of incompatibility. Is there a way a couple can bridge the incompatibility issue, well let me read the book and figure it out.
| By Pk Kapila on Friday, November 10, 2000 - 10:52 pm: |
Hi Kicha
Well in my opinion [practice is harder] a marriage based on mutual love and attraction is easy to flow obviously till one of them is imbalanced by unloveful aspects of life, whereas a marriage based on circumstances, situations or arrangments is more of a challenge and its success depend on how the two persons resolve those challenges and conflicts.
Resolving these little challenges in an amicable way where both people can be satisfied, and attempting to still live together and maintaining the flame of love is what i call the process of marriage.
Marriage is NOT an end in itself as most people unfortunately think but a process which continues like a river. A river has to go through lots of ups and downs but that is the nature of its path but river never changes its own nature but overcomes the variety of paths.
Likewise the marriage is a path and process where you flow with your partner hand in hand. If you lose hands you will be either separated or aligned to different ends, causing the river to either flood and end or to rejoin and continue till it reaches the ocean.
Marriage is not a matter of thinking but feeling.
Trust me i learned after living a short life with one of the most difficult persons of the planet and found that we were totally different matters; which could not flow together. That realization is the tough part.
You either come to realize too late or too early to rejoin. Knowing the limits and possibilities is only possible when you know your true nature and attempt to know your partners.
Marriage boat can become a solid ship if you ask yourself what is it that you want and why cant you recognize your love potential.
| By little.boy on Monday, November 20, 2000 - 10:33 pm: |
hi...
i am new to this site...while going through i also wanted to share something..
i was married in 97...now i am liveing seperate for 10
months...i never treated her bad but my in laws threat us....
she also refuses to give me divorce..
things have not reached court...
CAN ANYONE PLEASE ADVISE ME WHAT TO DO...
| By Big Man on Thursday, November 30, 2000 - 04:15 am: |
little boy,
Where are u staying currently?Let us know..
| By y k singh on Monday, December 11, 2000 - 06:15 pm: |
hi everybody
sadar namaskar
i am looking for something.
can you help me.
| By m on Saturday, December 23, 2000 - 10:57 pm: |
hi all,
anyone got any ideas on getting divorce from a crackheaded female hell bent on not agreeing for divorce solely out of spite.
even after offering her more money than her whole family makes in 5 years
she agrees the marriage is quits
she agrees it cannot work anymore
she agrees there is no future in it whatsoever
but no divorce
reason none
what the hell do i do
| By LLBean on Sunday, December 31, 2000 - 09:08 am: |
hi m
Where are U staying?
If in US..then she cant do a •••• by not agreeing.
Just apply for a divorce...u'll get it.
If in India...yes it takes time..U apply for it..and get married(yes its illegal..but since u say u have money..there should be many girls after it.So legally
u are in the process of divorcing...Morally..U have married. But its ur responsibility that u be committed to the second wife) Once the crackheaded b**** sees u with another female...she will realise the futulity of her adamancy..and budge.I have a couple of friends in India who have done this. If she applies for a divorce..then u can prolong it...in ur own way..or accept it.
Till then dont give her a penny.
-LLBean
| By Anonymous on Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 08:34 am: |
Harrased husband
i have filed a suit against my wife on the basis of crulety inflicted upon me by my in-laws and my wife and also on the basis of adultry.She had an illicit relationship with another person.actually since my father in law was totally broke ,he had brainwashed his daughter into going for the divorce,only for the sake of money.
1)she has told in the court that i had taken away her jewels (say approx 120-150 soverigns).in fact i had returned them on the fourth day of the marriage to her mother and she had kept it in her locker.her father had a case given by a jeweller and it seems that he has sold of all the jewels.he is highly crooked and had made his daughter write a registered letter to me stating that i borrowed 3 lakhs from him.
in fact i had not done that.i hail from an aristocratic family . in fact my parents had not checked the background of this man. the girl was good to me at the time of marriage, but now joining hands with her father she too is against me and believe me its just for money.Their family is totally broke and now they live in a rented apartment.My FIL has also sold his house.Its total confusion in their family(monetary and all areas).I had been taken for an expensive ride.even before i could realise all this the game is drawing to a close.she has stabbed me on the back by having an illicit relationship with another guy.she says ,she will not allow me to live properly.they are into black magic and all these stuff to ruin my life as well as my parents.really of the third grade.kindly help me.how do i tackle this situation.regards.
| By -LL Bean on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 12:38 am: |
Harrased Husband,
Good luck to u. U have already filed a suit..
take it to its logical conclusion. Dont give up.
Divorce that whore..and get a life....be single ..or
remarry..again. Hopefully better times will come.
Regarding black magic..and other crooked things..I have heard from experienced elders that these kind of tricks will get back to them multiplied
by ten times. It may have a temporary irritating effect on you ..dont worry about it.U keep full faith
in God and leave it to Him.
-LL Bean
| By Anonymous on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 12:08 pm: |
1st message posted by me:jan6th 2001,7.04am
thank you LLbean.
1)I'm still wondering how my third grade father-in-law is going to prove that i borrowed money of rs3lakhs from him,which by god i have'nt done.
2)that i took away the gold ornaments of his daughter.As i said earlier i 've already returned back to them on the fourth day after the marriage.
if by chance you have heard of such cases kindly let me know the details.i'll be highly thankful to anybody who can offer me advices regarding this.
GOD BLESS.and i sincerely wish that no man should encounter,what happenend to me.
all the more i have a son who is 3 years old and he lives with her.
regards.
Harrassed husband
| By nice_guy on Thursday, January 11, 2001 - 01:17 pm: |
I have found this forum to be an excellent place to get some feedback and share my thoughts...
I am currently going thru a divorce in US. My wife and myself found ourselves thru the internet. Later we met a couple of times since we both lived in the same area. We seemed to get along well, and our attitudes to life reflected similar values..I was very pleased by her cheerfulness and our conversations were very comforting.. I myself am cheerful and very optimistic in life.
Every since our marriage my wife's parents have been interfering in our life. They live in the same area as we do, not too far away. My parents are in India.
In the days that passed after marriage my wife made demands on me that I should grow with her family and her family also started poking their nose into very many family matters concerning my wife and me. I tried having very many mediation sessions with them and my wife trying to explain to them to leave us alone. I found my wife to be very dependant on her family, it being a nuclear family. I started doing things for her family that I had never done for my own parents.
If I did'nt do somethings, I will be looked upon by my wife as being inconsiderate, selfish and thankless. I have gone out of my way to do a lot of things. Our marriage lasted for only a few months. It is amazing that all the things I did for her from my heart never mattered to her.
My wife's time with her parents never seemed to reduce and it started bothering me, since the interference from her family was not just about places we could go out to, but to how we should run our family, and seeds were being sowed in my wife's head, that I am a person who does'nt care, etc....
I would always try to help her in all the kitchen stuff and cook regularly to help her, always try to find out what she likes, try to create activities for the two of us, try to understand her tastes, try to find out what she wants to in her life, and always made her feel special, because I liked her so much. I found it so suprising that I was always judged by what I did for her family that meant most to her. I felt neglected and never got any attention from her. I found her parents to be very many times selfish and demanding too. During the final weeks before our divorce, I did indicate to her that I want seperation. It seemed to have woken her up. My best weeks in some sense were those weeks. For the first time I noticed her makign a small change, like taking a little interest to redecorate the house, and for the first time after our marriage she did some shopping for me..and found that I got some attention from her..
I have always been open in my life and very frank. I would never hide anything from my wife and would tell her everything on my mind and try to resolve problems as and when they come.
I tried counselling, and requested very many times from my wife if we can leave this place for some time and grow together for sometime without family interference. She said we move only if her clan moves with her.
Her parents were'nt being very understanding and were'nt very helpful in the two of us solving problems together without outside help. On the contrary they were asking her to come home and that they would find her another groom...
To me it seemed liked for her the priority came in this order
1) her family
2) me
3) my family
4) friends
Where as for me it was
1) her
2) my family and hers and friends
For her, I even told my parents not to come to my wedding because of fear that my mom might be a bit protocol'ish and my wife did'nt like the same. Initially my parents were'nt of approval of this marriage but within weeks they agreed... Later to my dismay I realized that her parents were as protocoli'sh as mine and there was'nt any difference.
I sometimes feel sad that I had to give up my parents during the wedding event and asked them not to come to our wedding...I stood out for my wife...and sometimes wonder why can't my wife stand up for the two of us in a time of need?
Obviously a mistake isn't one sided. I too made mistakes in my communication. I would talk about her family and the fact that they are inconsiderate and very selfish which seemed to bother her more...so soon misunderstanding crept in and trust broke down....
i spend a lot of time analyzing my weakness and trying to learn from my mistakes.
So here we are going thru divorce.
I still hang with a deep feeling of love towards her and feel so deeply for her and what she must be feeling...sometimes I feel like sending her an email.
It is hard for me to write all the things I have done for her, but believe me, I really cared for her, and gave her everything ffrom my heart. I really loved her...and still do.
I realize in some ways I did'nt understand her as well as I could have...but her parents are the ones' I am having so much problem with and my wife's dependance on them for very many decisions...and I feel like a puppet in this relationship...
To my utter suprise I even got physically beaten by her once when during our conversation my voice was at a higher decibel than usual, actually we both were at high decibels...I did nothing but just stood in utter suprise...
Everything I did for her had to have her parents in the radar....
I still feel in my heart that she likes me and that I like her too. I have always all this while taken the initiative to solve problems, discuss etc...
This time I am hoping if there is anything to help solve our differences, it will be a note from her expressing her feelings...
All of a sudden one day she went back to her parents place and we have'nt spoken since
It has been a few weeks and we are nearing our final papers of divorce. Neither of us have spoken a word.
One might look at it and say, "may be she does'nt love you in the first place"...I am so lost now as to how she is feeling about me and want to move on in my life...But a part of me is still hanging on to her, and hoping that bright day would come, when me and her could make this relationship work...and solve the differences (if they can be?)...
Kidnly advice on what might be a good mature way of handling the situation....
Should I send her a note? But would'nt this make the situation worse..? I mean this would make her feel that she was right always? when we both were wrong in some ways..
| By Anonymous on Friday, January 12, 2001 - 09:30 am: |
hello nice guy.
i'm harrassed husband writing to you.
my previous 2 messages are dated and posted as anonymous:
Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 07:04 am and Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 10:38 am.
now the parental interference from the girls side was not as much in your case as in mine,my friend.mine was brutal.yours was just mild.anyway you are lucky in that sense.
but remember you stooped too low b4 your wife,tried to help her out,been nice with her,loved her a lot,looked after her a lot etc.but you just failed in only in 1 point.she knows that you'll do anything for her.the point that i'm trying to make here is that the parents of the girl are behind this,they have brainwashed their daughter,may be possibly into even going for a divorce.so you writing a small email or a love letter to her is absolutely going to be of no use.the only thing as far as i can advice you to do from today is to just keep quiet.don't talk to her or don't send any emails to her.i mean from this very minute.you don't have a child . am i right nice guy??
nothing to worry about.keep faith in god.
now pl. don't go about calling her or writing to her saying you love her a lot and all those stuff.THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT NICE GUY IS THAT
THEY HAVE READ YOU IN AND OUT.SO THEY KNOW YOU WELL.
they know that you'll come come running to them crying.and thats what they want.you have'nt told clearly.IS IT ONE AND ONLY DAUGHTER? NO BROTHERS.if thats the case then your life is going to be miserable in future.because they'll keep on interfering whatever reconcialiations you make.
just keep quiet for the time being.YOU HAVE TO BE A MAN.OTHERWISE THEY'LL TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE.
get yourself prepared for the divorce mentally.
nice guy ,there are lots of very nice girls in town who will look after you better.what she has done is wrong.
my opinion is:
when the divorce proceedings are going on i'm sure there will be counselling.during that time give her a chance so that you'll never feel guilty in the future.
STRESS THAT YOU CAN AND ARE READY TO LIVE WITH HER ONLY IF SHE LEAVES HER PARENTS.OTHERWISE NO.
then see how she reacts. if she is not interested at that time to come with you then ask her to go to hell>>>.find out a nice girl in US and once you marry another girl i'm sure you'll forget this one.that's the therapy.she'll realise only then. but it'll be latefor her. most of the girls make this mistake.
never worry and don't be WEAK HEARTED.if a girl can just throw you and go to her parents,despite all your love and affection ,then nice guy is she really worth it??? ask your conscience.you'll get the answer. no sentiments should involved at this juncture.it has to
be will power.
move on and be bold.if a girl can be so bold then why can't you??this can also be called a case of DESERTION.desertion is not only a physical act. its more of a mental act.THAT IS ,SHE IS PURPOSELY AND WILFULLY NEGLECTING HER HUSBAND.AM I RIGHT??
GOOD LUCK.DON'T BUDGE. YOU STOOPED TOO LOW AND THAT'S WHY SHE TOOK YOU FOR A RIDE.
REGARDS.
HARRASSED HUSBAND.
| By nice_guy on Saturday, January 13, 2001 - 06:12 am: |
Thank you harassed husband for your reply...
I saw your notes and empthasize with your situation. I t must be hard on you. Thank you for your notes and comments...I shall give them a thought...
One thing though: you had mentioned I do nothing at this point, just remain quite...
Before my wife had left home, there were many a times I had told my wife that this marriage may not work out because of this interference from her family...but she used to be so confident saying it will work..it will work...don't worry...give me a chance... In response I had once told her I found no motivation at all anymore...
Everyone needs time to change. I have lived a independent life for some time...and she has'nt. I wonder if i was a bit harsh in not giving her a chance...I was'nt sure what she meant by a chance though because all my cries never got heard till such a time I said I want seperation. I sometimes wonder if she left home because of the part about "no motivation" hurt her a lot.....frankly it was getting to a point were I was living like a life I was'nt sure why I was doing all the things for my wife...when she could'nt understand how much I liked her...and cared for her.
| By Anonymous on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 01:51 am: |
Thank you harassed husband again for your feedback. I have basically decided to move on. If she ever feels how much I loved her, then I will think at that point.
But the truth is I know, I loved her from my heart. And I am happy for that. What saddens me is that she never seemed to realize this...and is filled with so much anger...
I wish that in life good things happen to all and I learn my lesson from this marriage.... I seek courage and strength everyday to face the new day with smile.
Thank you again to all who contribute to this forum. We all have so much to learn from each other. No one is perfect and I realize I am not alone w.r.t to the kind of problems I faced. I hope to become a better man
| By Dexter on Thursday, February 22, 2001 - 04:46 am: |
Love is the easy part. Love is free. Maintenance is the hard part. Maintenance (parts and labor) is the more expensive part of a marriage or any relationship--just like a car or a house, you have to keep it fresh and neat for as long as humanly possible.
Love help you through the maintenance. But if you really want to stay in love (especially with each other 'together'), then I suggest (coming from my observance and experience) that both persons should be ready to work as a team, and be ready to give a lot of maintenance to the relationship.
| By Anonymous on Saturday, June 02, 2001 - 07:23 am: |
I need some incite. I am white and dating a divorced Indian woman. Her parents have not been told yet and she is concerned that they wont approve. She has been lead to believe that the divorce is a plight against her family and that our relationship will be viewed the same. I think the sooner they know the better but it's her decision to make and all I can be is supportive of her through out. Please help me understand better the different feelings on these matters. Are the view points different in India than they are in the USA and how? Thank you
| By Kapsic on Saturday, June 09, 2001 - 09:38 pm: |
Hi,
I am in a dilemma. I used to have epileptic attacks when I was a kid. Now Iam 30 and have not had an attack for more than 10 years. I am about to get married soon and wondered whether to give this info to the prospective bride. Personally, I want to do it, But, so far all the girls I have told this to (about 8-10) have cancelled the proposal either because the parents did not like the idea or on their own. The epileptic attacks have occurred only 5-6 times in my life and I am not handicapped in anyway. I enjoy racing bike and swimming. Of course I am still on medication. I would like your suggestion if it is okay to withhold this information from the prospective bride till after the marriage. I am living in India and am a doctor by profession. A good number of the girls I have 'seen' were also doctors, and in some cases, the parents were.
| By saju on Tuesday, July 24, 2001 - 09:23 pm: |
HI MY NAME IS SAJU AND I AM IN LOVE WITH NAMRATA BUT WE HAVE A PROBLEM I AM MUSLIM AND SHE IS HINDU SHE ALSO LOVE ME BUT HIS FATHER HAVING A PROBLEM SO PLEASE ADVICE ME
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, September 04, 2001 - 10:23 am: |
A site that provides legal
support/help to NRIs.