SPOUSE Beating - Abuse - Domestic Violence - Truth, Reality and Cover Ups ?
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South Asian Women Help Line Directory courtesy South Asian Women Network

Silent Victims of ongoing Suffering - Can we Speak?

Hello dear Friends

There are about 1 billion or more families in the world.
Out of them at least 200 million exist in India.
There is something very common albeit in different grades, in almost all families of the world, including India.

That is DOMESTIC Harmony and conflict!
By domestic harmony one does not mean an occasional fight or or an angry dispute but a consistent, persistent pattern of abuse which erodes the soul and mind of victims.

This forum is to discuss and pinpoint on the reasons and causes of this ongoing conflict and how can we educate more and more people on handling the family affairs.

India, apparently is a male dominated society but women do have a great deal of importance in their families.
Domestic violence is an extreme of family conflicts and there are no statistics but we guess it is atleast among 10 percent of the Indian families.

Violence in form of verbal, physical or psychological abuse is very common in India, as much as in any South Asian, European country or as much as in economically developed countries like USA.

USA local cities and women's organizations have prepared themselves in very defensive way and there are strict laws to safeguard the interests of battered women or victims of such violence.

In India however there are hardly any organizations and if there are any so called NGOs they may be few and only in a few large cities.

Most Indian villages and cities have absolutely NO ORGANIZED help available to a woman or children who are systematically and routinely abused by their husbands, parents in law or other family members.

There are of course laws in place but the police system in India is poorly equipped to deal with domestic violence.

In the USA cities, police depts.. are well financed by local administrations and they pay very high salaries to police men and women, some of them expert in family affairs.

You may be knowing that in many cities they employ, specialized police force, usually university graduates trained to deal with family and social issues. How effective they are, I have no clue but this shows the awareness and sensitivity towards the cause.

I have met some highly educated police men who are on special beats in several cities.
When in Arizona my office building was close to a police station and many cops came to a common cafeteria and I was a bit surprised when I found many of them were post graduates and they earned more than college professors or middle corp management.
They do carry guns etc but they are more 'humane' and try to help in situ the victims and try to find the causes and try to calm down.

Can we expect in near future to wake up and protect the children and women who are in absolutely helpless positions sometimes and many a times have to lose their precious lives.

What future can we expect for our country when we are not able to reform our society to avoid thousands of dowry deaths and innumerable silent victims who have to absorb their tears on daily basis.

Identifying the victims and ABUSERS?

In most cases, the parties involved are middle class women, specially in large urban sprawls India is witnessing in past 2 decades in an unprecedented demographic expansion with very negative effects on our living habitat and our economy.

But let us not deceive ourselves. The domestic violence is as much common in economicallly deprived families as in fabulously rich families.

In my past experience, when i worked as a freelance journalist in Delhi in 75-80, while i was a young student, i used to write on Women's and Children issues regularly for one of the largest Hindi dailies and a large fortnightly magazine. I covered extensively these issues and interviewed women and men of all walks of life, including political, police and administration people.That was a time when Indira gandhi was PM and women suffered more or less they suffer now. In nutshell, I never could understand the apathy of politicians and apathy of media and virtual neglect by law enforcement and courts of law.

Nothing seems to have changed. After that i had the opportunity to live and work in more than 15 countries of the world in all continents and noted that the problems of conflict are virtually everywhere. Only the names change, and story is different but the characters and plot seem to be common.

The most common problems found in India are also found in Mexico, Major Central and South American countries, Parts of Caribbean like Dominican republic - predominantly Catholic, Middle East, Southern Europe, Mediterranean, USA, Asia and East Europe are exactly the same. The issues vary.
In India the issues are usually centered around money, property and issues of 'Ijjat' or family reputation.

Most cases of conflict start from lack of funds, incompatibility, alcohol abuse, infidelity and issues related to mother/father-in-laws or their negative influence on families.

I am not an expert in these issues but i as an observer, like you, has seen, read, witnessed many cases of abuse. One can only act and help in few instances but you can not change the mentality or psychological patterns of someone’s mind. I think the behavior is formed by parental guidance, formative education and also what you see around you.

If you see around you total abuse of women or other weaker or weakened people, you either become immune to suffering and abuse and or you simply don’t care and become part of it. This is what happens in India and many countries.

Indian and South Asian specially Bangladeshi, Pakistani families living abroad are not exception, although the percentage is very small compared to the home countries, there is substantial abuse even in the UK, USA and Canada.

Women in most such cases are helpless and depend on their husbands. Most cases remain hushed up for family 'reputation' [don’t know what repute they are talking about] or whatever similar reasons but i think the time has come to open these closets of Indian families and to expose the truth.

We are upwardly mobile, hardworking and educated people yet among our own neighbors we can find cases of severe suffering. You just have to dig a bit. I know it is virtually impossible to know the details because most people suffer in silence and they are afraid to speak or expose their fears and anguish.

In the USA i have heard and witnessed cases of abuse by women too but that is far too less frequent.
In most cases the women and children have to undergo an acute suffering which can not be described in mere words.
Those who suffer can only feel the agony and angst with which they have to live in silence.

Let us make an effort and discuss and talk about these issues openly and in microscopic details so that we can orient, guide and help thousands and possibly millions of silent sufferers.

For a society to grow, its family system must be stable, solid and in harmony. The UNIQUE way to make a community and country grow is by strengthening the roots of its family system and to create harmony in daily family lives.
Obviously and of course the economic changes and education play a role but that is not always true in the case of family abuse. It can happen to anyone, in any country, in any stature, any class or any upbringing.

FAMILY HARMONY AND POSITIVE ASPECTS

Fortunately Majority of Indian and South Asian families live in great harmony and thanks to our age old system of family protection, we have been able to preserve our cultural roots and our noble heritage.
Despite that a large minority of 10 to 20% always have to undergo a great deal of suffering.

Most of the cases can be resolved quite easily and at an early stage but due to lack of proper help the matters worsen and in many cases they become acute and severe.

We are not discussing how the roots our family system have survived the onslaught of time but I believe that the joint family system provided a cushion and a natural support system however with fast growing urbanization, family units have become smaller and smaller, many young couples have hardly any help or virtually no help.

Mohalla and Street Scene

In India even the neighbors and relatives play a great role in maintaining the family harmony which is quite unique unlike many other societies.
For good or bad, in most middle class families, the issues of one family are openly discussed by the neighbors and family friends and in many cases the timely help become crucial and quite meaningful. I find this community spirit quite fine and agreeable but it also sprouts stupid gossiping and other derivative bad habits. But hey if a family is saved by nosy neighbors, it is quite fine I guess.

But per modernization and more education, this possibility is also waning and people are becoming more and more individualistic and many helpless victims have no body to rely on or share their agonies.

We need a large number of help organizations based in every district, city and village formed by volunteers who can become a formidable social force to fight the evil of alcohol abuse, physical abuse, dowry abuse and similar problems.

Rural Scene
Amazingly our rural system - one of the most ancient social system still in order – is not that bad. It is better than tiny hamlets and small cities of Europe and USA. Most people know each other well and they know their lives well like a family. Positively it is beautiful and works but I guess too much intervention can also be hazardous for some persons who would like to have some privacy. The advantage of such inner knowledge of everybody’s affairs and free for all discussion at village well, temple, mosque or Gurudwara, the village market or just plain street serve to alert the whole community and many cases of abuse can be easily tracked and settled. But what I see on Indian TV channels I receive on dish and information coming from India, the village scene seems to be changing and people are becoming more “modern”, and become too busy watching Television and village well meetings are less frequent.

USA
A great effort has been made by aware people of Indian origin in many US cities and there are volunteers in each of these small associations of kind people who are doing a heroic job in handling many stressful cases.

There are Sahara in Los Angeles, Sakhi, Maitri, Narika, Aasra, Manvi and many other similar in other cities mainly formed after the refuge centers found in virtually every American city now.
There is a similar org called Sakshi in Delhi but we do lack in India a more consistent and serious effort to create help-lines and to create self sufficient refuge centers or shelters for temporary stay.

Let us discuss and find out the ways, means to form such help and also to find out why it happens what it happens.
Your friend
Pk Kapila
By gopan on Friday, December 01, 2000 - 12:59 am:

hi,
I have been married for 3 years and living in usa.Before that I was engaged for one year in India.
At the end of that period, one month before marriage,
my sister-in-law physically and verbally assaulted
me out of the blue.I was supposed to forget and
forgive.I did.Luckily,I could come to US.Though I am highly educated and studying for another Masters in US,I have no work permit and so no money of my own.
My in-laws tried all crooked methods
to influence my husband against me and it worked.
They visit US once a year and cause repercussions
for a year and talk regularly on the phone.
I have tried my best to be cozy and make peace.
It did not work.The fact that their daughter got divorced from a us based doctor caused further grudge against me. She is a single mother in California and now they stay 6 months with her and call my husband everyday and get their agenda passed.Their jealousy and seething anger come out in every indirect remark.But I have no respite.
I have been verbally and physically abused by my husband lot of times because I complained to him
though I have never said anything to my in-laws.
He is always on their side.Though things happen in front of him, he is in denial.What really bugs me is my in-lwas pretend to be pious but criticize everybody else especially my family.Infact I come from a more rich and priviledged family and they are always competing negatively.I have tried to put up so far.I am 8 months pregnant now.I just found out my
husband is secretly trying to bring them over.
When they are here, they , in fact my father-in-law, who I think is a woman trapped in a man's body,follows us and me everywhere..stores,school, library,mall, bathroom, closet, bank vault..I cannot get any help.I am thinking of divorce.Any advice?

Editor's Note

Dear Gopan

Very sad to learn abour your situation.
Please seek local help. Please let us know your location as there are many Indian organizations to help people in trouble. We know that in Los Angeles, San Franc. Bay area, NJ there are orgs to provide assistance to helpless.

It is important that you communicate with your husband clearly and tell him that if there is any love between you, he should not hurt you especially when you are going to be a mother. This is unfortunate that men like him are so easily influenced by their parents and assault their own wives.

You should be strong and resist any further abuse. Do not Threaten as that can cause you more problems. Only coward men can abuse their wives in such a shameless way. If you are in grave danger you must contact local city help line and ask them to provide numbers of women's shelters which exist now in almost all US cities.

If you need any specific help and you have nobody to help you please write to us help@hindustan.org
and we will do our best to help you.
Wishing you the best


By Brother on Friday, December 01, 2000 - 06:34 pm:

Gopan..

I very sad to hear your trauma,and i pray that you will have the strength to heal the pain you are suffering.

I would like to share with you the similar events that occured with my now in heaven sister,Sunita.
Gopan,she was in an exact situation as your self,she was a canadian citizen,and sponsored the man of her dreams,from India.As a younger brother i saw her life unfold and from the day they got married,1984,she knew no joy,we were a normal happy average family,as were her inlaws,but their demands and interference's,via telephone and mail,were constant.

She was a devout wife,and my parents brought her up in traditional Hindu customs,she was a strong athleticaly and mentaly,and a gem of an academic and humorous person,she was the pride of our family of 3 sisters and 2 brothers.

Than her life took a turn for the worst,she had her first of 4 children in 1986,and unfortunately for her inlaws it was a girl.Her husband was a good person,hard working and a very intelligent person,that is until his mother and father decided to migrate to Canada,as in your case he did a 360 degree turn.The M/inlaw wanted to run the show,she verbaly assaulted my Sunita,behind her dear little,thumb sucking son.Sunita was a qualified Optician and had the higher income level of the two,as he was new from India and working and studying,m/inlaw,resented this,she constantly degrated Sunita and her family to the point that she physicaly threw her out of the house,at one point.Sunita confided in me and we were always very close,i saw this beautiful lotus,crumpling,she had lost weight and was becomimg absent minded,she was always nervous and looking behind her shoulders.Sunita was 3 months into her 2nd pregnancy,and was forced to travel to India,she had to borrow money from our dad in order to pay for the expenses,whilst in India she contacted T.B,on her return she grew very fragile and had to be quarantined,in intensive care for almost 4 months.

According to her doctors report,Quote,Sunita is in no danger from T.B,but she needs a sound and healthy enviorment and a stress free life,so that she may regain her former self.She is extremly fragile and her imune system is vulnerable.

My mother requested Sunita's hubby to let her stay with us,so that she may recover and deliver her child in comfort away from a wifes daily chores,this infuriated the M/inlaw and she caused hideous scenes of a woman gone mad.So my sister returned home and later gave birth to a son,The •••••(mother inlaw)demanded,from us, gold,furniture,saris for her entire families to celebrate HER ocassion,my parent and me did what we could,but only for her hubby and the the inlaws,we are not wealthy,just average.
Well the ••••• made sure that Sunita paid the price,for her families error and judgement,she continued to torment and degrade her,the ••••• denied Sunita with any contact with us,but i always kept a low profile and continued to give her moral support.

Gopan, i dont want to elaborate,but i'll put it in a nutshell,me and my family sugested to Sunita that she should get out of this marriage,but her inbred Hindu,motherly instincts told her not to and that she will pray and hope till the end and pull her family out of ths situation,but she will not give up on her husband and his family and most importantly he kids.

But she was in no position to continue,she was so week and fragile,she was a regular at the doctors office,even the doctor advised her to annul this marriage.

Gopan,Sunita Died in our arms,in May 1998,she left behind 3 girls and a son,and like a domino effect my mother unable to deal with our loss also died in July 1999,my mother was only 67 and healthy.

Sunita Died,she was diagnosed with Lupus,Scloderma,and arthritis,now i know that any one can be affected by these illnesses,but i was there and saw her whole life,and it was no illness that killed her, it was her Mother in law and her husband.They tormented her to death.

Be careful,Gopan,dont get caught in this whirpool type of life,you may survive but your mother and father will suffer.Sunita was unable to decide her fate.May she live in Peace,something she never knew in her married life.

By gopan on Saturday, December 02, 2000 - 01:04 am:

Dear people,
it feels so good to know you care.
Thanks for your support.
Do you know any women's shelter in Dallas,TX?
Brother,it brought tears to my eyes
to read Sunita's story.I am sorry.
May she live in peace now.

By Sri on Saturday, December 02, 2000 - 03:40 am:

Gopan, If you are in California bay area, myself and my wife would love to help you in any way we can.

By Anonymous on Saturday, December 02, 2000 - 06:16 am:

Gopan,

Check out resource:
http://www.umiacs.umd.edu/users/sawweb/sawnet/violence.html

I pray that you and your baby will be safe.

By Pk Kapila on Saturday, December 02, 2000 - 09:45 am:

Anonymous, Sri, Gopan and other friends

We have created this special discussion to go deeper into this huge issue of the issues of Indian family.

By the way we have a mirror of the Sawnet's help directory at our site too see the link on top.

Gopan : you may kindly call any of the associations mentioned in Sawnet's site. There are two such groups in Tx but not in Dallas. May be there is one, you may find that in some community store.
You may talk to some other cities organizations and many of them have toll free 800 lines and they can assist and guide you.

I have tried in my humble capacity to guide and orient many men and women although it has been difficult for me to go for volunteer work systematically.
I will be ready to help anyone anytime and i can be reached by an email network@hindustan.org
For any situations i can give you my priv toll free no if someone emails me.

I think the Indian volunteer agencies are doing a great work. Many of the people who man and help are men like me.

Any way if anyone is suffering they must stop this and take appropriate measures with urgency.

When we let it happen and things go bad to worse - we lose control and a time comes when the avalanche or flood of problems can destroy us.

We should know and diagnose our emotional health and if anyone is having problems please share, talk and discuss with your friends and family.

If you are helpless write here, many people will be wiling to help you out.
If you are totally lost seek local city help.

Wishing the best to our friend Gopan and any body who reads this message and is undergoing any suffering.


Most affectionately
your brother
pk

By Gourisankar on Tuesday, December 05, 2000 - 12:20 am:

Dear gopan,

It seems that you are located in Dallas. I find myself groping for words to vent my despair at not being able to help you from so large a distance. I live in a city called Roseville which is near Sacramento-CA. Please let me know if there is any way by which I could be of any use.
May God give you the strength to cope with this situation.

By aindree on Tuesday, December 12, 2000 - 08:01 am:

Dear Gopan
After going through your letter, i gathered some informations about the indian org.s which work specifically for south-asian women suffering from domestic violence.here are their contact no.s &e-mail-ids- maitri -1-888-8maitri,1-800-799-safe,www.maitri.org. Saheli-(austin)-512 928 9070,
automated helpline-512 7038745, saheli@usa.net.
Daya(houstone)-7139141333.
hope they will be helpful to alleviate your problem.

By adr on Friday, December 22, 2000 - 04:46 am:

Gopan:

As aindree pointed out, Daya provides DV assistance for South Asian women in Houston. If you are reluctant to turn to the Indian community, the YMCA in Houston also provides assistance to immigrant women via their Immigration Services department. I used to volunteer with them; I no longer have their number, but can find it if you are interested. They provide legal assistance in the immigration process (you may be able to apply independently - instead of as a spouse - under asylum law), day care, job training (doesn't sound like you need that, smart woman that you are) and job location services. It's located off of Bellaire in Houston; the Dallas branch does not offer similar services (Houston has a large immigrant/ asylum population). All services are provided either pro bono or at cost.

Their services would be of use if you decide to seek a divorce. That is a choice that you must make yourself, but after years of working with battered women, all I can say is this: A woman is hospitalized for domestic violence once every 17 seconds in our nation. Think of your health and safety. Think of the happiness of your child. Are either of these precious things at risk because of your husband's behavior? If so, you only have one choice, and that is to leave. Most abusive spouses say that they will change. Most never do.

I wish you well, and know that there is a larger community that sympathizes and cares. You are not alone in this.

By sameer on Monday, January 01, 2001 - 03:12 am:

Can anybody explain the phenonmenon when women from india take advantage of the physical abuse issue and take advantage of their rights and do fraud with their husbands????
can anybody discuss this crap called physical abuse with me???
i wonder how many domestic violence cases involve violence or abuse of any kind.

By Anonymous on Friday, February 16, 2001 - 05:52 pm:

I'm very sorry about you, if you need to talk i'm ready to answer you.
Contect me: baichevera@mail.ru

By anita on Tuesday, March 20, 2001 - 07:29 pm:

Hello gopan,
my case is similar to yours.i too stay in dallas
and so would you update me on what happened - did you go to any organization or did you file for a divorce?
waiting for your reply

By Editor on Monday, May 14, 2001 - 11:07 pm:

There is a very debatable news feature published by most major publications done by UNI news/feature agency on India on Wife/Spouse Abuse.


Please comment on this
Violence in Relationships - Spouse Beating, Violent Scenes ? Is it TOO Common?

By Gopan on Thursday, August 09, 2001 - 03:03 am:

Hi Anita and all,
I am still married.I have delivered a cute baby boy who is the apple of his father's eye.
I won few important battles (lately)through luck,perseverence,trusted friends/family and faith in God.Things fell into place as my husband did "see" a lot of things,finally.
Though he is still devoted to his parents (which is
fine as long as he/them does/do not cause harm to me and my family),he has come out of the denial.He does not want to discuss past mistakes or apologize for anything but he is trying to make up for things through his action.But once in a while his parents actually influence him enough to curse,swear and take wrong stands and be stubborn about it for months but there has been no violence as I have actually spelt out the bottomline:behave or lose me and the son. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
One point:the more I tolerated being frightened (taboos,consequences of a divorce etc),worse it got.
It actually got better when I fought back.If someone
has problems with anger or perspectives,it is not my fault.I will not allow him to ruin my self esteem.

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