| By Kamasutra on Thursday, August 19, 1999 - 08:39 pm: |
I think love is an art. It needs body and soul. The body is the medium. The taboos that are built in our society are for reasons in the history. Arranged marriages were forced to happpen because we were under rule by English. They exploited the people, the girls and women.
Feelings and emotions develop within the heart. They can not be forced. If you try to force, the person either get violent or gets depressed. The life become dull. We know "Change is Beauty". If you look at the same beautiful rose everyday in the same shape, you will be finally bored. Everthing will look artificial.
Explorations with an open mind is key to happiness. But yes if you start pondering over it your life would be worse than a person who stick to only one partner. Anyway you can not build relations based on Sex, as one day the sex will die out. That is why I say it is the heart or love that matters. There will be a day in your life, someone will reject you for you being not active. You will come back home. How you will feel if your spouse goes to someone else to fulfill her desires and you are a rejected piece of junk.
The fact is that over a period of whole life on the average a person having no relations other than his wife is happier in the end.
The openminded couples who explore sex and adventure may be happier but Still when they look at each other they see someone else's face. They have always a fear of loosing each other. But these people know what are the risks so they kind of end ok, though not bad.
The third category are people who play hide and seek with their partners. They are real wild but always tense due to the fear of being disclosed. Are they happy ?? No way?? They always want more and more.. Their life is the worst.
The bachelors or people who love to be true to themselves that they do not need to be loyal to anyone. In the beginning they have tendencies to go the extreme of the wildest level. This is due to concept of no sex before marriage in our society. They look at the girls, they try to peep through their blouses, their skirts, their clothes. They want to see how it feels. The pressure keep building as we do not have free sex.
Finally if they decide not to marry. They make lot of girl friends as long as they look cool and young. After few years they find they have no one to goto. Their old pals prefer someone else over them. OOPS!!! They think "I should have married". But the girls who are ready to marry then do not fulfill the picture of the wild girl in thier mind. Are they happy? Yes they are till everything is going ok. The moment they realize, they can not get any more girls, they get depressed and become and introvert.
| By Anonymous on Friday, August 27, 1999 - 02:27 pm: |
hi
i am subhash. my age is 30
i am married and have 2 children,but due to frigidity in my wife i can't enjoy sex.i avoid using prostitutes anything to improve my wifes frigidity problems. what will happen if i marry another girl for better life?
| By FunLover on Friday, August 27, 1999 - 04:22 pm: |
Hi Subhash,
It is commendable that you have come out to talk about your situation and seek suggestions. This act itself shows that you respect and love your wife and your family and are willing to look at other options. That is praiseworthy.
Although I am not married, I have known a family friend who was in a similar situation such as yours. I do not know if you are in India or the US. I am in the US now. If you are in the US I suggest you and your wife seek professional help. There are many professionally qualified people who work with married couples and help them in solving issues such as yours.
If you are in India, I know you are faced with a stronger dilemma. The pressure of society and all that. But I understand, nowadays in India there are quite a few professionals in this area and, maybe you should consult them before considering a second marriage.
Also, I feel that you should discuss the issue with your wife. A mature discussion with your wife may go a long way in solving the problem.
From my knowledge, frigidity is the result of a deep rooted fear in the woman towards intimacy. This fear maybe caused by many reasons including childhood trauma and abuse. What we should understand is that, this is not a flaw in the woman, but that she is a victim of something that happened to her in the past. She was hurt, so she is afraid. Just like you and I would be. With your help and medical help she will be able to overcome it and you and your wife can lead a happy conjugal life.
Another main issue you should consider is your children. How will the new woman treat your children and your wife? Would she consider them a threat? Would she abuse them? Would she treat them as her own? You may feel, that you would see to it that no injustice will be done to them. But how would you know? You cannot be with them 24 Hrs a day.
The family friend I mentioned above married a second woman. He did not have have any children with his first wife. But, believe me, the first wife was treated like a servant. She was never allowed to say anything to anyone or do anything with the rest of the family. I did not realize as a child that she was even his wife! For many years I thought she was a servant. I know that there are many good women out there who would treat their step-wives and step children with love and respect. But the point is, we never know. Your children are the most important aspect you should consider. Any negative impact on their lives will be disastrous. The innocents should not suffer.
Another issue you should consider is the legal issue. Both in India and in the USA polygamy is illegal. If you enter into it, you will be breaking the law.
I am not a professional. But I wanted to share my thoughts with you as we are in the same age group and maybe have the same value systems. I hope you will consider all the issues I have pointed out, and consider your children and wife, and seek professional help before you enter a second marriage. I invite any medical professionals on this board to help Subhash out on this matter.
| By Princess on Friday, August 27, 1999 - 05:37 pm: |
Mr Subash,
There are a lot of reasons for a woman to be frigid. Some Funlover mentioned but it simply could be the fact that she was raised in such a conservative manner that she hates and/or resents sex and finds it as just a chore to do for her husband.
Regardless of wheather in the US or India since you've taken the initiative to fix a problem and realize that you have a problem make some effort and get your hands on some sex books. There is also tons of information available on the web as well as in the library. If you have access to this page chances are you will have access to a lot of pages out there, it's a matter of searching.
Remember knowledge of sex is learned, no one is born equipped with it. If your wife is a good woman then just teach it to her. Tell her it's the difference between you chosing to be in the marriage and leaving. No woman will ignore that. Be open and honest with her, this is your business and no one elses so assure her that and comfort her. Don't alienate her. She may simply not know. Indian culture doesn't teach or allow a woman the liberties to know what to do in bed.
Marrying someone else for sex is not the solution. There is no guarantee that your second wife would be any better. Secondly you need to consider the issues of society, stigma and your children. Simply leaving someone for the lack of good sex is silly. You can teach your wife to be a good sexual partner.
As Funlover said see a therapist about it. There is no shame in asking for help and no shame in talking to your wife or anyone else that can help you about it.
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 06:49 am: |
If the woman was frigid who could he have two children. Was it artifical insemination ? Frigid means the man cannot penetrate
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 06:15 pm: |
I need some guidance. I am a 36 year old American woman who has been seeing a younger Sikh man from Punjab for several months. He has been in the US for 6 years. Our relationship is new and often difficult due to language and cultural differences. Our probem is that I am unexpectedly pregnant and I am in a quandry about what to do.
Can I reasonably expect to be able to work a fair and amiable arrangement with my baby's father for custody? If he marries, how will that effect my baby's status? I do not know if marriage is the answer for us...this was not a serious relationship to begin with and does not have the makings of a life-long committmentat this time.
Have any of you faced a similar situation or are Americans married to Indians? Will our 10 year age difference matter more in the future than it seems to now? How is an inter-racial marriage accepted in both cultures?
Any advice is welcome, I am overwhelmed with the decision we face.
| By Princess on Wednesday, September 01, 1999 - 01:08 am: |
Anonymous from August 30....(please give yourself a handle)
You are confusing two differen things. Frigid means someone who is uncomfortable by whatever reason to a point where they are sexualy unable to perform. For men that could be not being able to retain an erection and for women it may simply being stiff and experiencing sex painfully.
Artificial insemination is the process by which a woman is impregnated with a man's sperm by means other then sex via a medical process.
| By Princess on Wednesday, September 01, 1999 - 01:15 am: |
Anonymous from August 31 (please give yourself a handle too :-))
You obviously are in a very tense situation, many of the the answers for which can only be answered by your boyfriend.
If you aren't in a serious relationship to begin with you shouldn't jump into a marriage simply because you are pregnant. Secondly if you don't know him that well you don't know if he'll marry you or now. Thirdly if he doesn't have a residential status here you may be putting yourself in a bigger problem by marrying him where you may not be able to judge his actions.
Unless he is willing to marry you openly in front of his community, family and god I would find it hard to believe that he would have any right intentions. You say yourself that it doesn't have the makings of a long term relationship him being 10 years younger then you then how can you bring a child into this world without ensure yours or his/her future?
I don't condone abortion. At 36 you are adult enough to make this decision for yourself.
| By Ajay on Thursday, October 07, 1999 - 08:19 am: |
Ajay K
Sometimes in the life you want to have a good healthy friendship where you expect a new joy and happiness on both side
| By Princess on Friday, November 05, 1999 - 11:29 pm: |
An interesting article....
Sexual Mores in the Indian Society
New Delhi, Nov 4 - A unique survey of sexual mores in the urban and rural areas of the country has shown that a majority of women feel men are "obnoxiously suspicious" of them, reflecting the male insecurity.
"The women say a man cannot tolerate a woman trying to imitate him or be equal with him in bed, he suffers from selfish motives and always wants to be one-up on the woman," said the survey, conducted by The Pioneer newspaper.
"We are supposed to be passive partners lest men take us as vamps," one of the respondents was quoted as saying.
A high 49 per cent of rural women and 39 per cent of urban women, however, said their spouses were highly compatible with them.
The survey tried to figure out whether there is a difference in attitude towards sex among rural and urban couples. "Approved patterns of gratification vary considerably from one community to another although incest is forbidden by all major social groups," the findings said.
However, the survey said, in certain rural communities incest has the "quasi-approval" of family elders and was confirmed by 3-4 per cent of male respondents and one per cent of female respondents.
"My daughter-in-law is a young and beautiful widow. She must experience sex and motherhood. Instead of getting involved with an outsider it is better that she gets what she needs within the family," the survey quoted a family elder as saying.
Seven per cent of urban males and two per cent of rural males visit sex workers while 17 per cent of urban and 14 per cent of rural males have extra-marital relationsips, the survey showed.
"Girls indoctrinated with the idea that sex is evil and dirty have little sexual motivation and even find sexual intercourse unpleasant and repugnant," the survey said.
About 45 per cent women disliked the act because "it is for men to do and they decide what and when to do. We just get down doing it," a respondent said.
| By Indianguy69 on Tuesday, May 16, 2000 - 10:25 pm: |
All you people are messed up. All of your minds are on SEX this SEX that. Who cares about sex? That's not what love is all about! Love is about caring, understanding, and compassion for another individual. Sex is not love people, wake up and smell the coffee. You love your parents don't you? You love God don't you? Do you see sex there? I don't know about you, but I don't.
| By Patty on Friday, August 11, 2000 - 09:59 am: |
subhash,
Do not threaten your wife. There is no way any women
can enjoy sex under fear. But if you just want her to
submit, then it is Ok to threaten. She will do
anything to keep her marriage.
Its good you are trying to sort out the problem. But
second marriage is not the ans
| By latin princess on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 11:59 pm: |
36 year old american dating youner pujabi man. My heart goes out to you. It sounds to me you want the baby just not sure if you want the father. I am 39 latin amercian dating a 27 year old punjabi guy but supposely in love. At least I am and he said, he is he even gave me a engagement ring. I understand the difficultly culturally and the language. We been together 2 years and it's been the hardest relationship of my life. When he is good he is the best. When he bad I never seen someone so cold and heartless. I am not pregnant thank God but I am not sure whether to marry him we were suppose to marry in June and about a week and half ago I found out he was talking to at least 3 women that I contacted and he was trying to get into their pants. Supposely he "went crazy for a moment" and he swore,beg,and pleaded it would never happen again. So I stay for now because I love him. I just don't trust him. I don't understand why he just did not let me go. He said, that was just about sex and nothing else and that he loves me. I don't know?