Are Arranged Marriages a Social Coercion ? Horror Stories vs. Adjustment ! How to Deal with Failures ?
IndiaFamily Main Menu: Family Marriage Finding Spouse Divorce Love Sex Life Children Parents: Arranged vs Love Marriages, Dowry, Age, Other Marriage Issues:
Are Arranged Marriages a Social Coercion ? Horror Stories vs. Adjustment ! How to Deal with Failures ?
Imagine this for a few minutes !
You are an individual with hopes, love, compassion, manners and cultural values inculcated in you by years of parental training, certain views formed by many years of education, personal individual experience....AND
ALL of a SUDDEN
You are supposed to live with a person...
WHO IS not even close to what you ARE but totally abusive, stagnant, visionless, foul mouthed, irritable and in many cultural, physical or psychological ways MUCH less than you or who is as ignorant about LIFE in general as a ten years old kid..
What do you do when you are supposed to live with this woman or man for the rest of your life and if you detest, resist or protest you are doomed to fail or hit the wall..
Even though the whole thing was pre-planned to the greatest and minuscle detail and no stone was left unturned and yet, you get the black sheep or a person who is virtually a personification of a nightmare.
OK do not worry...I am saying you are merely imagining.
You should be able to atleast imagine for few minutes the state of mind of the person who feels that he or she is victim of a scam, a coercive social ritual, an age-old tradition, imposed upon by your WELL WISHERS and your FAMILY or Social System.
This MAY also happen, of course, in a relationship which was not imposed but arranged by YOURSELF or with your absolute will. So we are not putting the whole blame on social system or family here.
What are you supposed to do?
The Agony, the pain, the anguish, the angst and harrowing future can make anyone very sick, disfunctinoal and blocked not only emotionally but physically, socially and spiritually.
There are various options; [more when you are just imagining and theorizing but hardly any or few when it REALLY happens] however sometimes there can be few opening windows but hardly any doors to escape.....or to reverse the time process.
You are stuck and nothing can be UNDONE considering the very social system which bulldozed you.
In my life, I have come across 3 type of people who went through what you just imagined.
1.
Suffer,
Get used to humiliation,
Cry,
Hit the wall
Keep shutup
Live a slow and painful death like life
Accept it as a deal of fate
2.
Run away,
Escape,
Self-destruction,
Get psychologically sick,
Dumbed down
Resist, Fight, Terrorize & Other Violent Behaviour
and any other negative probability
3.
Adjust with the situation,
Affront the challenge,
Deal with it with great positive energy,
Attempt to modify your own behaviour and keep hoping the Other person will change one day, keep going,
Digest the abuse, anger and hell imposed upon you considering that you are too strong to be affected
I can go on and on but now let us be real and stop imagining and start thinking.
Remember this has nothing to do with WOMEN OR MEN it is not a matter of gender here. It can happen and it DOES happen to both genders. So do NOT even attempt to portray or play with the idea that only WOMEN suffer.
Without sounding any 'Machista' or contra-female rights, i am just declaring that very few people know the suffering of the men who go through such dramas in their lives.
There are zillions of tales one hears of women who suffered in this whole deal yet there are a large number of men who do suffer, who do get this challenge but USUALLY they are meek, mute and are supposed to take it 'manly'. This is an aspect which you must keep in mind.
So let us free ourselves from the popular notion that women are the only victims of social systems ills. If i am not clear on this please ask me but do not make it an issue of gender etc. as what i am saying is that it is a matter beyond gender, caste, creed, religion or natinonality.
It is a matter of 2 human beings!
I invite and request all those who have genuine personal experience of going through a happy and successful or disgusting and miserably failed relationships based upon the institution of arranged marriage....
Please be REAL, YOURSELF and do not ridicule anyone as this is a dead serious matter, with great deal of influence over the lives of over 2,500 million people worldwide which include NOT only India but all South Asia, All Middle East and Many parts of Africa and Asia.
If you have NOT gone through any of this experience yet but you are watching from distance or you have witnessed some tragic or happy experiences, please share with us.
If you want to just participate with your curiosity or sympathize or criticize that 'this is all crap', remark silly one liners, PLEASE do NOT post any messages unless you have something interesting to contribute in form of genuine and constructive debate, suggestions and ideas on dealing with this SOCIAL Business.
ABOUT ME: I am writing this after having met many people and interviewed with them in great lengths and listening to them for an extended period of time.
I do not claim at all to know the pains of every single individual but yes i do feel the invisible tears flowing somewhere inside, the lonely and violent days, unproductive lives, boring and opressive nights, feelings of being jailed, boxed and condemned to a slow emotional death.
I have had no PERSONAL experience of being coerced but yes i have had experience where i have felt that a negative person imposed upon you can ruin you completely.
WHY to discuss this?
I look forward to your sincere opinions, real stories of life and let us see if we can soothe the sufferers and victims of this social fraud. Please do POST your views, opinions and comments.
You are free to criticize me in all manners and aspects but I am representing here and speaking on behalf of, a grand majority of people whose lives have been terribly degraded and their growth as a human has touched a ceiling of an immovable stone and they are almost coerced or forced to suffer......and live a life of a humanoid
We accept that yes Arranged marriage system has sustained our social systems for ages but we are now going to deal with unspoken minority who didnt get fortunate enough to win the lottery of a perfect or neo-compatible spouse.
I am not saying i am against the whole system but i firmly believe that time has come to reform this and bring about a social revolution which can ensure our present and future generations a successful and healthy social environment.
With our conclusions, we can recommend to our friends and family the required changes, modifications to certain ills, find out solutions for disgraceful marriages, avoid divorce, avoid suffering and failed relationships which cause enormous and unspeakable damage to our society.
Please forgive me for being too direct and harsh but there is no way to escape the denials and lies and hidden abuse.
Yours Very truly
Pk Kapila
There are several threads on this issue.
This current page is archived under Are Arranged Marriages a Social Coercion ? Vol... etc. The archived volumes are for viewing only. To react or post a new message please use the current pages.
Please look at the other links to go deeper into this issue.
PS: For the sake of convenience, we have classified this discussion under 2 principal categories:
Horror Stories Failed Arrangements & Similar Stories
Success Stories ! How Did I Make it a WIN WIN Arrangement
You may write on this page but if you have a specific experience please click on any of above 2 links.
Note: The General discussion on Arranged Marriage VS. Love Marriages
continues at Arranged Marriage VS. Love Marriages
Are Arranged LOVE marriages more successful - A rather paradoxical neo-trend or a hybrid of love and arranged marriage idea! Find out.
Message of S.O.S and others are moved to a new title
I am Being Pressured for an Undesired Arranged Marriage
Please click on the above link.
Note for Writers? We want your Bio?
If you are regular contributor to the forums, please POST a very brief note on you about 10 to 15 lines and create a separate page introducing regular writers. A picture in any format can also be Uploaded automatically, optionally.
Introduction : Profiles of Writers, Moderators & Frequent Contributors
Introduction : Help on IndiaTalking - Most Comprehensive Discussions On India - Suggestions & review of discussions
hey,
i completely sympathize with silently torn..i am hoping that there is some middle ground..after all as much as my parents play ignorant to the outside
my friends all of whom are not indian, and my views which are far from the expected dutiful daughter that has done everything they have asked that they will understand out of love for me..not out of acceptance for him while i have never introduce any of my "hims" to them because of the emotional warfare..i feel that if there is someone who i meet that i cannot live without etc. first of all i hope i have the courage to choose him and second my parents will accept him although so far all indications seem negative..
i wanted to ask silently torn if she could deal with only her boyfriend's love for a little while because eventually parents do come around..it takes years but i have witnessed it..also how her parents dealt with her dating?
By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 19, 1999 - 02:18 pm
Right before he left, he promised me that he just needed to...
Posting on 6 pages is not necessary.
We usually delete all such messages.
Your message is at
Failed Arrangements & Similar Stories
Hi,
It's Leena...haven't posted anywhere in a while. Silently Torn, if you're still out there, please post again...I'm in much the same boat you are.
Leena
Woman from Bombay kills her husband in Detroit within a month of the arranged marriage
Read this story at this page of Horror stories
Arrangements & Similar Stories
Hi, I am married to a guy from almost five years.It was an arranged marriage.I got married when I was 19. I am 25 now.It is a very sad part of my life, not because I did not like my partner.Because he is an alcoholick and drug addict.I am born and raised in India and come from a good educated family.I have a university degree from India and finishing up my second degree in Canada this summer.I work part time(aimost full time hours)with good income to contribute to my family.I do all the house wife duties.He came from almost a non-educated family.His parents abused me verbally and emotionally(mother physically) worse than servants from the time I came here.To make long story short, I started living with my alcoholick husband seperately from his parents.But I respected his parents upto now(it is too much now).I affronted the challange with a hope that he will change himself oneday(but he never did).I took him to all the treatment options and councellers.He lied every single day of five years with me because of his addictions.I stayed with five years not because I cannot survive without him,but only for the sake of family.My parents are with me 100% from day one with whatever decision I take, because they know where I stand and what I am going through.I am very Intelligent,hardworking,traditional and modern good looking person with good heart.I tried to give everything to a person in 5 years, a wife can give.I gave him a very beautiful child.I still hope he will change himself,because I don't want to break a family for my child.I don't want to live single all my live but I don,t want marry some one again just to be abused by him emotionally with his addictions.I am so scared from life now.After being a good person from all point of views what is this happening to my life and why?Why did not I left him 5years years ago? because I was just too innocent to do that.I thought he will change, I thought there was nothing I can't do in this world I will give him every happiness in this world that will change him, In return he made me cry every single day with his lies,addictions and a maturity like 10years old.I don't know, What should I do now Make my life or my childs.I am very independent person financially. I need serious responses. Advise.I need people with similar problems to talk to me.I need a friend who can understand me.
Karen, I would give up looking for blame and feeling sorry for yourself (e.g., I'm a good person, why did this happen to me?). I don't mean to sound harsh, but if your husband is an alcoholic or habitual drug user, he is sick (I do mean clinically...in fact, his whole family sounds wacky from your description...how well did you know him before you got married?)
You aren't alone. A friend of mine got married and shortly after having her first child, she realized her husband was an alcoholic (he became abusive). The first time he hit her, she kicked him out. He went to counselling too, and told her all sorts of things, but nothing really changed. She was devasted--having a father for her child was very important to her. But she realized that having the husband/father around at that time would not be good for her or the baby. We all knew him before and were shocked that this happened. You can't blame yourself or make him change.
You are a bright woman with a child, financial independence, and the support of your family. I think you're lucky--many families would want you to stay in the relationship anyway for the sake of the family. I would think that getting married again would be down on your list...after establishing a healthy home environment for yourself and your child.
Is there a support group through Alcoholics Anonymous? I bet they have a website for spouses of alcoholics that would be helpful. You are only 25!!! You have your whole life ahead of you!! Focus on making yourself and your child happy. Good Luck!
Sameer and others
His Story is at this page Run Away Bride : Duped & Distressed by Fraudulent & Mean Family
Please click on this page.
Hi Karen,
Im sorry to hear about your situation. You were only 19 when you got married and did not have much control over your situation. I use to think it was wrong for people to walk away from a marriage. However, the older I get the more I realize there are just some situations that are too much for any rational human being to withstand. This includes situations where someone is being mentally or physically abused. You are being a good wife, however, your husband is not following through on his end of the deal. Because of his failure as a husband I do not feel you are obligated to stay. However, you should try counseling, etc. before walking away. If there is any chance your husband can be "rehabilitated" then that route should be chosen. However, if nothing changes and he continues to drink and you continue to be abused by him and his family, I see no reason why you would or should stay. I can't believe anyone would expect you to waste your life on someone who is not respecting you or your marriage. This is why I will never agree to an arranged marriage....
Help!!
I am western male who has developed a strong love relationship with a lady from an arabic country. While i have been welcomed by thier family, i am refused to be close to my fiancee as i am not arab. This is the ONLY reason. Now her mother is threatening about an arranged marriage, while this makes both me and my partner sick we are planning to elope and be legally married in a western country and live our lives togeather
should i be worried about what her mum is saying, does my Fiancee have the right of refusal to these arranged marriages and what can be done to strengthen our position
please forward any information you might have to my email given
thank you
i am doing a research project at university, and wish to study arranged marriages. i am stuck on what i could research. i would be very grateful if there are any suggestions on what i could study. some ideas i have had are peoples views on arranged marriages, are they "for" or "against" it
Lesbian being forced into arranged marriage Willing to marry a gay male for marriage of conveniance.
So now the time has come. I tried to fight off all the men my mother has introduced me to. Now I am stuck between living my life and keeping my parents happy. I was born and raised in the US. I came out of the closet when I was 18 years old. I was in a long term relationship which ended because I have to keep my parents happy by marrying a man (which is not normal to me). Now I don't know what to do. There is no way I can come out to my parents. All my close friends know about me and keep pushing me to tell my parents but they don't understand how indian parents and culture are.
I miss my partner dearly and can't imagine being without her.
My only solution is to marry an indian gay male to keep my parents happy and live my life behind closed doors.
If anyone has the same experience do write.
All Copyrights Reserved © 1998-2001 Hindustan
Network - IndiaTalking.com Indiafamily.net No reproduction permitted in any format.