How's you and her now?
I'm an indian woman, and gonna get married with white man.. You and my man got the same problem in the past, but my man can convince my family (dad,uncles etc) ..and now we're engaged and gonna get married in few months
| By scotty on Tuesday, January 02, 2001 - 05:27 pm: |
hello,
i'm a white english man currently in a long term relationship with an indian woman. her parents don't know about our relationship and it has been that way eversince the beginning. it has come the time where we will soon have to go our seperate ways since our careers need attention and her parents will soon want to see her married to a hindu man.
neither of us want to seperate, we are very in love but she will not tell her parents about this relationship for fear of "disrespecting" them. almost all the relationships i know of amongst my friends suffer the same problem, they all face breaking up because of parents expectations.
i ask my partner if she would have the same expectations of her children and she says that she wouldn't. does anyone think that someone in our situation a few generations later will have an easier time?
| By catgirl on Thursday, January 18, 2001 - 12:15 am: |
hello everyone
I am a 24 year old american woman, who is in a relationship with an indian from south india. I have been seeing him for over a year now, and recently moved in with him. He hasn't told his parents much about me, besides that I am his "friend", but he has written a letter to his older brother telling him he loves me. I noticed that a few things have been strange since we moved in together. First of all, I have 2 cats that I have had for 15 years. He is terrifed of one of my cats, and when I brought her over, he hid..and when she jumped up to sit on him, he screamed. I have never seen anything like this. He says that indians don't like animals, and that he wasn't raised around them. Can anyone please tell me if there is something weird about cats for indians??? I have always had and loved cats, and I will not abandon them, this all seems silly to me. He says animals have no sense, and that they will go mad one day and poke his eyes out. Believe it or not this "cat' issue is causing some major problems for us, and I am wondering if this is just the tip of the iceberg for future cultural fights. We have talked about getting married, and having kids, but I wonder if his child raising is going to clash with mine severly. Children are much more important than cats, and I am worried. He says he wants to shave the head of our child after its first birthday??? WHY? I told him no way...I love him, but is it possible to live in harmony with this man? Or is it going to be a cat-tastrophe?? Any valuable advice would be much appreciated.
| By Vanquisher on Thursday, January 18, 2001 - 11:45 pm: |
Catgirl,
You need to have a real talk with this guy. Do you have any idea of the potential issues/difficulties that lie ahead?
As for the cat thing, it is not common (esp among educated Indians) to have household pets (as is common in the USA). As for the hair thing: shaving one's head (and, by extension, your child's head) is a religious devotional offering (you are giving something of yourself to enhance self focus and bring good fortune). Overall, you have a serious divide to jump.
Vanquisher
| By XYZ on Friday, January 19, 2001 - 02:26 pm: |
To Raga
I will say that you write outrageously and in a manner that I do not find acceptable. However, this is also the first time I read about your past - your growing up years and the hatred that you had to deal with from other cultures. This is also the first time you explained.
You hated the way people from another culture behaved towards you. You felt and lived and endured that hate. Should not that be a reason enough to hate their ways of hating other people and cultures? Why are you imitating them now? Do unto others what you want them to do to you. You expected respect, and you are right in expecting it, stand by your rights. But also give them to others. By your experience you already know how a person feels when hated - why then do you blindly hate and type-cast people?
I agree, you've lived through bad times. For this very reason, one would expect that you should be more sensitive to other cultures. But when you only bad-mouth them and talk militantly you are no better than the guys who beated you up and treated you unfairly.
Perhaps, you will come up with your reasoning of if "they" beat me, I will also beat "them". But you were not able to beat "them" and beating wildly at anyone just because they belong to a certain culture, religion or group or even the same group "they" came from is rather of no use.
Channel the anguish within you into something productive. But the first step towards it is to take out all the hatred within you. You've lived hate, so you know it. But therefore you do not hate others or are prejudiced. Therefore, you have the strength to help others in who are in similar situations that you have been through, irrespective of caste, colour, creed, gender etc. That would be a fitting answer to your experience, but imitating the very same behaviour that you lived, helps no one, not even youself.
| By XYZ on Friday, January 19, 2001 - 01:55 pm: |
To Scotty
I only hope and wish for such an open environment in future. As for the generations one can never be very sure - how long it will take. But if you both, as adults, want things improved the change can come in this very generation. It is not easy to start a change - one swims against the current - but that's the fun of it. Why don't you and your partner stand up for yourselves and your relationship. Why give-in and place the responisibility on generations? Fine that your partner would not load her children with expectations, but who knows about her husband? What if you were the husband to really make things work out for sure.
Just a thought - but as mature adults if you feel to part ways is the simpler and practical way out then we all respect it.
| By Angel on Wednesday, April 11, 2001 - 08:50 am: |
I have been dating an Indian/Punjab Gentlemen for 4 years now. We are very much in love! He has been living in the U.S. for over 14 years. He has been married for the past 21 years. And out of those 21 years, he has only spent 1 1/2 years out with his wife. He has recently filed for divorce and we are waiting his divorce papers to come through any day.
For the past 4 years, our dating has been kept a secret from most of his friends. Only a hand full of his closest friends know that he is dating me and that has filed for divorce. His family lives in Punjab. They are now aware of my existence and of our relationship.
However, my boyfriendis now faced with the fear of how, if at all, to tell his Punjab friends here in the states of our relationship. He is well liked and respected in his American Punjab community and is concerned how they will receive him after he tells them he is divorcing wife and that he is dating an American lady. My boyfriend said he rather not tell them and would like to continue to keep our relationshipa secret. He said if we decide to marry that he would at that time tell his friends of our relationship.
I am assuming this is a cultural issue. Any suggestions on how to present our relationship to his Punjab friends?
Angel
| By Aziza on Thursday, April 12, 2001 - 05:35 pm: |
Angel,
I can understand your boyfriend being worried about how he is going to be perceived by the punjabi community, but he will eventually have to come to terms with it, unfortunately, most, but not all Indians are very judgemental, that's just something one cannot change, you said his close friends know about you, are they also punjabi? I am one to believe that your relationship should not be kept secret, it's disreceptful to you, but probably until the divorce is finalized it is probably best to keep a low profile, in the end your boyfriend will just have to overcome his fear of how the other punjabis are going percieve him, afterall you are supposed to be his soul mate, right? I am also an Indian, from an islamic background, my boyfriend is also Indian (Punjabi)but he is hindu. My family is quite liberal so it was not too difficult for them to accept, his parents are wonderful, but I know that other Indians were not too happy with his choice, but those who were his true friends stood by him, and those who were not went their way. I'm not sure if my advice will help you at all, but tread carefully, do you and your boyfriend plan on getting married after his divorce?
| By akoe on Tuesday, July 17, 2001 - 04:11 pm: |
dear scotty,
How's you and her now?
I'm an indian woman, and gonna get married with white man.. You and my man got the same problem in the past, but my man can convince my family (dad,uncles etc) ..and now we're engaged and gonna get married in few months