Matrimonial ADS : Truths Lies & Reality ? Experiences Ideas
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Matrimonial ADS : Truths Lies & Reality ? Experiences Ideas
As the Title suggests the idea is to open an honest, open and serious dialogue on the issue of matrimonial ads.
It is time that we discuss the usefulness and hazards of placing or replying a matrimonial advertisement on the networks or in printed form.
I would like you to share your experiences and feelings - good or bad, pleasant and nasty, smooth or rough, unforgettable or disgusting, please come forward and write your ideas.
Your words can mean a lot to thousands of people who are wasting their time and resources in limbo and wastelands.
I have been a user of the ads and will share my experiences shortly. Let me recollect my memories or rather myself as i am still unable to stand after the blows :)
Yours
PK Kapila
L Please DO NOT post here soliciting ad or personal message etc. that can be posted FREE at
Hindustan Classified Ads or search Search Hindustan.net.
Very interesting opinions on this site. Princesss and Menakski are just great moderators, may be a show down the road :).
Let me share some of my experiences on both the internet and newspaper ads. I have found that people on the other side want to know a lot more about me than they are abour themselves. Some are only interested in what cast I belong to, others are intereted in what I've studied, and some in my career goals, etc. etc. People have judged me in one aspect or may be two, but never looked at the whole package. May be they are too narrow minded or may be I'm too broad minded? I don't know?
I've never gone very far with any of these avenues, nor do I feel very comfortable finding my life partner through newspaper or an personal ad? Again I don't know how much truth is out there? I think the best scenerio for me (and many others) would be to meet someone thorough my family or friends? But I'm open to debate?
Hello everyone!
Just to share a few thoughts. My friend put a matrimonial ad for me without telling me and I didn't find out until I received the emails. Though I wasn't planning to meet anyone from the net, I though this was a good way of finding otu what people are in for if they did go in for someone from the net.
OK...so I got responses. Many ignored the specifications that were asked for by my ad. Also, just from the email I sometimes had a feeling if the person was really serious or was he writing just because a Girl placed the ad herself (and so is probably going to reply herself) and not her family.
Now, I am a busy person...I didn't like many of the responses...but I didn't bother to send a reply saying no because I knew that these people are not waiting for my response. They would have sent an email to many. It would be natural and a common sense thing to assume that if I didn't reply after a while it means that am not interested.
But there were some people who were genuinely nice (at least I thought so) and to them I sent them my wishes, reasons for rejection and bid them goodbye. When some of them got such an email form me...they were ready to "change" for me. Now this was hypocrtical.....how can you change for someone you never met...don't know if you can fall in love with? So...when I got this 2nd email from them, I didn't reply. Some may call this rude...but as I said..I don't want to marry some desperate person.
Also...some of the people whom I didn't reply to from the beginning reacted in the same way as Ms. Princess has already related.
Th other interesting thing that I found out was this --
A father responded for his son who was doing his medicine in the US. I replied to this ad with further information about myself and I also mentioned that I did not want to get married in a hurry and probbaly would not want to get married for another 2 years or so. That I would want to get to know the person before making a decision. I didn't hear from him for 2 months or so and then suddenly he sent me an email one fine day saying that he agrees with me. He says that he is ok with those stipulations. Now he wants me to send them my picture. I reply back saying thank you but I would like to talk to his son either via email or on the phone before sending my picture. And here is the next bomb...he doesn't reply for a few days and then says that he doesn't think this can work out.
I reply saying that thats fine...good luck..
Now what kind of an interaction was that? I was so amused by some parents' mentality. I understand that they want the best for thei children...but how do they not see when they are crosiing the mark...I mean..I am not talking about this parent ..but about those parents who want their children to follow their every word. I have always listened to my parents...but I have also made it clear to them...that I was going to choose someone myself and whomever I chose I would make sure that he would also be to thier liking.
Anyway...these and many more like these responses from net definitely confirmed my desire not to marry anyone from the net.
The other thing is that when someone is a doctor or an IITian (even if he was the last student in the rank) he expects to get a goddess. What does he want that for? Use his wife to substitute for me at his work occasionally? I can understand that if both partners are from the same field it is nice but why be soooooo vehement about it? Moreover..what entitles a doctor or an IItian to a "beautiful, slim, fair, soft spoken etc." girl? Moreover...sometimes it is best to have partners from different fields...I wanted that for myself. Sometimes the field is so work demanding that there is no one home for the kids (when you have some). If you were from different fields at least someone will be home most of the time.
I know that its easy to preach...I fell in love with someone in the same field as me. But what I was saying is be reasonable and cautious what you ask for. I don't regret falling in love with this person...but if time were turned back...I would have still looked for someone from a different field.
Well..I have found this someone not from the net and I don't think I could have been happier even with all those knights in shinning armour that flashed by in front of eyes on the screen....****smile***
Forgive me for my incoherence.
good luck to you all!!!
Ryana,
Very interesting post indeed. Now What entitles a doctor or IITIan to a beautiful, slim, fair etc. girl. I guess they think of themselves hot shots and try to get best package, though they are not even worth $.02 cents. I know of a guy who works for a consulting firm, makes plenty of money, and looks wise you can say that he doesn't stand out in crowd. Now listen to his wish list what he wants, he wants a girl who makes equal amount of money, is very beautiful, professional, tall, has great body, outgoing yet very traditional & homely *ofcourse submissive*. hmm... any clue whats going on in this situation?
I just finished reading the Ad Responses: Meeting in Person Experiences, and would just like to thank you guys again for sharing, it has provided me with some needed closure for myself.
Hey princess,
I especially found your current relationship quite interesting. I’ve just come off a one year long distance relationship with a young lady. She wanted to be friends but I thought there was more to it (high hopes I guess). Well lemme tell ya I had never seen that side of me after she had told me that there was nothing but friendship to the relationship. I cried. . and I cried. . .infront of friends and even a male friend. I don’t think I was capable of hurting so much. In my eyes and others we were the "perfect match". . . same attitudes, values, beliefs, and of course the oh so important sense of humour. Initially, the physical attraction wasn’t even a factor. . . .and to tell you the truth I would not have given her a second look had I met her at any given social function. It was the compatibility of the two souls that got to my emotions. I knew in the back of my mind that I could get hurt and prepared myself for it. My sis’ had even fore warned me that I might get hurt but nothing really prepares you from the truth from the horse’s mouth (metaphorically speaking of course : ) Anyways. . .it’s been over a month. . . and I have gradually decreased the frequency of correspondence between us.
To all others if there is any advice I could give. . .it would be if you’re waiting for someone to make a commitment. . . .then make sure you get some assurance or commitment from them early in the relationship . . for it shall hurt a great deal later if you do not.
Princess. . this passage really hit home: "It's hard sometimes to simply walk away from someone for some reasons. The guy I'm with is the most compatible and "perfect match" guy I've dated. We don't argue, don't
fight and have a great relationship. But in the meantime I want to settle down and he doesn't and he wants to see other people. I just don't know how to walk away from that. It's hard because I have no other reason to leave him, nothing to complain about. I tried to convince my heart with my head that if there is no future I should walk away. I wish it was that easy.
Just to say I met him through the personals over a year ago and it was a very pleasant experience compared to the bad stuff recently...."
Again thanx so much y'all
SH,
You are very welcome.
You know human beings are the most intelligent species on the planet simply because we have a brain to think with. However we are such emotional beings that we don't think with our heads most of the time. It's not easy to. We are so calculating and cold when it comes to work ethics sometimes I wish I was a little bit of that sort in my personal life. More shrewd and less lenient.
But I'm human and I'm at fault. I really love this guy even though I'm not in love with him because for me I need him to return my love I have for him as a person to completely fall in love with him. In the meantime we still are together. He can't think of a better reason to walk away from me and I can't think of a better reason to walk away from him. But I long for a more solid relationship because I can see myself with him when I'm old.
Hang in there :-)
I think think that it all depends on how you look at things. No one is perfect, and I understand that some of the people ignored your requirement, but what you ignored was that they wanted you.
You ignored that there were some human beings in this grand world of ours that felt you were speical enough to drop you a note to tell you so. You viewed thier responses with hate and laughter.
You reacted cold. I think that you should stop crying about what you did not get and thank God that someone actually found you even vaugly interesting. I feel sad for all those people that responed to you, because you are not worth the sand you walk on.
Pandora,
Who are you talking to and do you really find the hate that spews out of your mouth is really appropriate?? Do you talk to your Mother and eat with that mouth? Quit being so bitter, it's not attractive.
Hmmm Sincerely,
I have no idea who Pandora is talking about but I think Pandora might have an issue or two of his/her own to dish :-))
Hi Princess,
That's kind of what I thought. It would be interesting.... ;o)
Take Care,
Sincerely...
Ryna anä Hmmm - a request to you guys and others; please do not use generalizations about Doctors and IITans like you have. I understand you are speaking based on experience but not all of us are like that :-) It's just like stereotyping American born Indians as ABCDs. I'm an IITan myself and have lots of IITan friends who are nothing like what you describe.
Well !
although I don't think that it's that big a mater to get diverted from the topic of this discuusion but I would like to assert one thing:
the generalisation about IITians in my opinion is
not correct.I myself studied there and I'm certainly not like what some of you've described and belive me that most of the persons I know from there are not that way(and yes this data is from
a big sample)!
Please don't take anything personally. carry on the excellent discussion.
Have a nice time
With Love
traditional arranged marriages in the Indian-American community - participate in a Radio Programme
National Public Radio's Weekend All Things Considered...
is working on a story on arranged marriages
If you are interested please contact the producers directly.
NPR writes
"
We are looking for subjects primarily in the Washington DC/Virginia/Maryland
area...
National Public Radio's Weekend All Things Considered is would like to hear from people who can help us arrange and attend the following:
1. A traditional Indian wedding in the Washington DC, Maryland, Virginia area in the next 3 weeks. This would include interviews with bride and groom as well as family members.
2. Interview parents who have placed a personal ad for their daughter or son (matrimonial) on the internet. We'd like to hear from them about their hopes for their children and how modern technology is helping them preserve ancient traditions.
3. Interview young professional Indian Americans living/working in the US about their expectations and hopes from marriage, and how they are making the decision about whether or not to pursue an arranged marriage.
Please send your name/e-mail and phone number if you are interested in participating - we would like to record all these elements in the next three weeks.
Contact: > Davar Ardalan Email address: dardalan@npr.org
Telephone number in Washington DC : 202/414-2146.
Thank you very much. National Public Radio and Weekend All Things Considered really appreciate your help.
"
I have responded to many people but MOST people do not even acknowledge and respond even a one liner Not interested courtesy mail.
Another thing i do not understand is why people do not write a detailed profile or essential facts which can save lot of time for everyone.
There was an article recently in a local East Coast based ethnic Newspaper Little India [c]. I quote this article By Sandhya Nankani
"
How the cyber daters see themselves and the suitable "other."
Following is a sampling of the responses collected during a one-week survey circulated over the Internet to North America-based, single Indian men and women who have posted personal advertisements for themselves on Indian matrimonial services on the Internet. Average age of respondents: 27. Number of respondents: 27 (13 men and 14 women)
Their views and opinions are by no means scientifically verified nor are they meant to generalize to the mindsets of the thousands of other individuals who are utilizing the resources of the world wide web to find their suitable others. However, they do raise questions about established assumptions regarding cultural perceptions of marriage, love, and romance. Last, they point to the growing use of the Internet by U.S. raised singles as a means of subverting traditional modes of matchmaking — newspaper advertisements, marriage bureaus, and middle men/women — and hereby gaining some measure of autonomy over the pressure cooker immersed institution of marriage.
Defining Love vs. Arranged Marriage: Changing Perceptions?
Arranged Marriage
• Compatibility, longevity, family input
• Adjustment, learning, commitment
• No choice, superficial, old world
• Old fashioned, barbaric, degrading,
• Not for me.
• Suffocating
• Parents, fights, scary
• No, No, No
• Honest politician (both don’t exist anymore), Ancient History.
• Typically Indian.
• Abolish the caste system
• Love after marriage
• I need to know this girl first.
• Fate, Fate, Fate
• Hope it works!
• Misunderstood, Effective, Essential
Love Marriage
• Commitment, compromise, devotion.
• Love, friendship, dating.
• Where are you?
• Cliqued, ambiguous, good.
• That’s me; That’s how it "should" be done; It will happen to me.
• Comfort, laughter, soul mate.
• Outdated term.
• Sweet, Romantic, Wonderful.
• It’s great if it happens.
• Love before marriage.
• Risky, ideal, poetic.
• Passion, chance meetings, falling in love.
Thoughts on Settling Down: Who really wants to get married?
Does your family spend a lot of time thinking about your marriage?
• Well, my parents will never be at peace. They say they are having sleepless nights.
• They are waiting for me to settle down.
• I guess they do. I’m an Indian man and you know how Indian families are.
• Yes, I am at that age.
• Yes, I am in the "old maid" category, according to them.
• My mother feels a lot of pressure from her family. She fasts for me once a week so I’ll find a good husband. Poor thing, she wants to see me settle down.
Do you spend a lot of time thinking about marriage?
• Not daily, but I occasionally I do. It happens when I meet other couples. They kind of remind you, "Hey, look at me, I’m having a good time and what the heck are you upto?"
• Not marriage itself but the kind of person I would like to get married to — it’s easier to conceptualize a vision than encountering it in reality.
• Not particularly, I am pretty busy working an enjoying a good social life and do not worry constantly about having a man in my life. I am certainly not going to meet anyone moping around the house.
• Yes, I feel I am ready for it and I need it to be able to get settled. I’m also looking forward to sharing my life with that someone special.
Romance through the Internet: Better than through India Abroad?
What did you think the first time you heard about South Asian Internet matrimonials?
• Strange.
• I wonder if they work.
• I felt they were not really for me.
• How stupid and cheap – another meat market!
• Didn’t regard them highly – thought they were for losers.
• I was curious if it works given the fact that traditionally Indian culture does not promote unconventional relationships.
• I was wishful but wondered how the family would react.
• I thought it was just another vehicle to meet people, there are good people everywhere looking for marriage minded people.
• I found it to be rather funny. The ads, for the most part, were very straightforward and to the point. Some ads were basically resumes but others showed imagination and ingenuity.
How do you feel placing an ad on a virtual matrimonial site is different than placing an advertisement in a community newspaper?
• It’s easier.
• I would hope that the people who respond to online ads are the people who are interested in a relationship, not their parents.
• Seems like a more direct means of communication.
• It’s anonymous and on my own terms – I say what I want rather than my parents.
• There is nothing at stake. They don’t know who you are and you don’t know who they are. Neither of you knows what the other person looks like, so your initial attraction is more likely to be based upon personality.
• You aren’t put in the awkward position to meet the person with all your family wondering how it’s going to turn out.
• I feel comfortable placing an advertisement on the net versus a newspaper because for some strange reason, placing an ad on the net seems more casual.
• A lot more discreet. People have to really fight their way through to get to the site. Then they have to again find you via search and select. It is simply more need-to-know basis rather than out there on page 24 (‘whether you were looking or not, here I am kind of thing!)
• The Internet reaches more people. I realize that I am limited to people who have web access, but I like the technology and feel like I have more control. I don’t have to give out my full name for a person to run a background check on me until I am willing to give that information.
• I know that the people who respond will have some technological knowledge, which means that learning is somewhat important to them.
• For me, I think I was looking to gear my ad toward an individual who was progressive enough to h¡ave email and be on the Internet. I wasn’t trying to attract "uncles, aunts, parents, well wishers" and putting an ad on the Internet made me feel that it sort of "weeded out the riffraff" that community papers would attract.
• It is not that much different except that you can choose to go at your own pace, you can be selective and you have a much larger pot to choose from.
• It gives you the feeling of having a little more control over your selection (although it doesn’t always work out).
E-mail Etiquette: Do’s & Don’ts from the Horse’s Mouth
What is the worst thing that a person can say to make you stop corresponding with him/her?
• How much money do you make? How many girlfriends have you had?
• Send me your bio data and a picture and we will see where it goes.
• Use of derogatory language.
• Emphasis on skin color and chauvinistic remarks.
• I’m looking for someone simple, who will cook, clean, and take care of me.
• How soon do you want to get married – within a month? This, before meeting and after we talked on the phone for the second time.
What would pique your interest?
• Creativity — the next Emily Dickinson or Madame Curie.
• The ability to understand the finer nuances of life.
• Someone articulate and funny.
• An analysis which is premature and yet deftly correct.
• Keen intelligence and wit.
• Sense of humor.
• A nice photo and similar hobbies.
• Ambition.
Well I thought I would try the internet ad
route, to see if it was really all that
different from normal methods of meeting
people. In some ways it's great. You find
someone who sounds interesting, send a note
and hope for a response. In other ways it's
maddening, especially if you get a response
and start exchanging information and then the
line goes "dead". I guess that's a result of
people being deluged with ads and sorting. So
a question I have is, how do people go about
sorting? When you meet face to face, the sorting
happens linearly. You meet someone, you go out
once or twice, figure this isn't the one, and
you break it of. The 'net (and forgive me for
using geek terms) parallelizes the effort it
would seem. For one side this is good, for the
other not so good. :-)
Mccarton,
I know for me it was all experimental. I placed a few ads on different sites and was very specific and clear about what I was looking for. Well...three months later and 800 responses after I only met 3 guys. The weeding out process for me had to be through. There were some strict no no's and definite things about a person that knocked them out of the contention....that was 99% of the guys believe it or not. :-).
You have to sit and make a list of things that are important to you in order of importantce and then apply those things to each person sacrificing or compromising with what you feel comfortable with. For me there were three big requirements...being born/raised in the US, being in NYC and Hindu as myself. The guys that fell out of these three things were definitely not considered. Among the ones considered all the other things counted...with personality being # 1. For me I would either click with someone or totally fall out with someone. I know when I get the right drift. It's just the chemistry between two people. After the first few formal emails that get the formalities out of the way I prefer to talk on the phone without delay. A lot of guys fell out of contention there. No mental chemistry. If there was chemistry through emails I required a picture. Not going anywhere without a picture in all reality and honesty I am not going to waste my time with someone if they weren't my type or I wasn't attracted to them. If they were attractive, all went well on the phone we'd meet for coffee. If all went well for coffee perhaps dinner next time. The fact that I met only 3 guys out of 800 should tell you something :-)
What you want and need out of these ads only you can list and figure out.
Hello.
I recently came across this web site and found some of the discussions really interesting! I also placed an ad on the internet and have browsed some of the ads as well. After reading Princess's postings here, it is amazing how similar my experiences were with the responses that I had received!
Despite my stating that I do not want to get responses from parents, brothers, sisters ..., I received quite a few of these types of responses! Any ad that I received other than from the actual person looking to correspond, I simply deleted the response.
I responded to a few e-mails that I received. One in particular was going very well despite the fact that I live on the west coast and she lived on the east coast. This person called me almost every day and we decided that it was a good idea to exchange photographs after speaking for a couple of weeks. She even suggested that I come and visit her during a long weekend!
This person stated she prefers to mail rather than scan her photograph and e-mail it to me. I sent her my postal address and e-mailed her my photograph. Since then I have neither heard from her nor has she responded to my e-mail. I guess that she thought that I am not good looking enough for her, even though she spent a minor fortune calling me before seeing my photograph! As expected, I never did get her photos in the mail.
I also do not know why NRI's bother to reply to ads if they know that their work visa's do not allow them to change geographies. It had received some many responses from ladies that had just moved here from India on work visas but do not live in the same area as I do. Én my ad I was quite specific in stating that I am not willing to move since I really enjoy living on the west coast. What are they expecting?
Princess, your postings are really interesting and I would like to wish you all the best in finding your special partner in life!
All the best.
Humorous,
Thank you and wish you all the best aswell.
Hello everybody,
I think its very difficult to understand a person
in few emails, meetings ( discreet or otherwise), phone messages. It takes years to understand a person completely I believe. Also nobody can find a perfect match for himself/herself. Everybody has some imperfection. I think Internet just subsitutes the NEWSPRINT media.
Hi,
Well the decision has been made! I am getting married! I have a lingering thought that I did not make the decision. I don't even know when I made it. But one day I, without even being aware of it, found myself giving in to my mother's persistent (that's the key here) pleas, that I should be getting married early next year. So I said,"let the bride hunting (this word was used not to denigrate the bride, but in appreciation of the lot of the poor girl once she decides to hook up with me) begin", to which she replied,"we've been doing that for the past year". I said, "I told you not to", to which she said, "that's true but we knew you'll come to your senses some day and make the right decision". So the decision was made by me. Or, was it? Huh?? So I am getting married to a woman I don't know, on a date I don't know, and last but not the least, why I don't know. Cool. May Dharma reign.
Anyway how are the Internet girls? Do you think they are serious? Could any one please give me some good matrimonial web sites. Who knows a miracle may occur and, I may find myself being the right person for some lucky(emphasis) girl. And, that might, just might, fulfill my long cherished dream of proving my mom wrong, on atleast on occasion, before I turn 30. You see, she suffers from the Always Right Syndrome (ARS) and is a strong proponent of arranged marriages.
Now I can see my ad on the net " Nearly 6 ft tall, thinks he is handsome (his girl friends(dated innocently) think so too), 6 figure salary earning( one more "6" qualification and I am Anti-Christ), smoking(Will Stop After Marriage), drinking (WSAM), non-beef eating, US settled, Dharmist, Computer Engr. seeks educated, intelligent woman to marry. Caste no bar (If my mom agrees), religion no bar(If my mom agrees), age no bar (should be younger than my mom)".
On second thoughts, I will add another requirement-" Should be frequently wrong about various things". Hell, I can't have two women with the Always Right Syndrome (ARS) running my life!
So, Kiddos, how are my chances? If any of you are available, mail me. I may have been made a sitting duck. But, pleading guilty of vanity (but the truth should be said), I am one helluva tasty duck.
Another question folks. What does "divorced innocently" mean? I saw a lot of that thought provoking phrase, in my forays into cybermate search. Not that it matters to me, one way or the other. I, being of the engineer stock, am just curious. Now, Did they do it or Didn't they??
Funlover,
Come on admit it, you are actually enjoying mommy making all the decisions for you :-). Come to think of it you should marry a woman who also suffers from ARS since you sound like you are closer to 30 and letting mom do the decisionmaking so why start deciding for yourself after marriage? :-))
On the other hand your requirements aren't that high compared to a lot of phonies/stuck on themselves people out there! Then again it all depends on mom no?
Hey that thing with "innocently divorced" bugs the freaking hell out of me. I mean what is the difference between "divorced" and "innocently divorced"? And how come everyone that is divorced is "innocently divorced" and not "guilty of divorce"? Those kind of people who make it a point to stress that they are "innocently divorced" give me the willies. Either they don't know the proper internet ettiquette or have something to hide!
If you are as "corky" as you sound you'd get my jest :-)
Yo Princess,
I am a novice at this net chat game. But, I have been indulging in it for the past few days and, ma'am (assuming you are a woman), you are every where!!
By the way you are right about the ARS but, only to a point. I have given it some extensive thought, as it richly deserves and, have come up with some interestin findings which, I shall proceed to share with you. If the girl already has the ARS at the time of the marriage then, research has proved, there will be internal conflicts between the individuals (namely my wife and my mom) suffering from this syndrome, as the object under their control is common (namely me). One of the most common reasons may be that, one individuals may insist that their syndrome is more acute than the other's and, that one be given preference over the other. In such a scenario, the object (yours truly) is usually palced in a delicate situation to which he is neither accustomed to, nor is equipped with the discernment necessary to resolve it. He does what is easier for him, goes to work and chats on the web. This leads to a general decline of peace and harmony in the household and is counter productive in the long run.
But, now, if I follow my suggestion (that doubt shows how unsure I am about this whole marriage business) and marry a girl without ARS then peace will reign in THE FAMILY and its denizens will be content, as only one person has ARS and her hegemony is not questioned.
And, when the time comes for the sole sufferer of ARS to lay down her mantle (how will she know? you may ask. She has the ARS, remember?) she will infuse the syndrome to the rightful heirs (her ds-in-law) and the transition is smooth, swift and above all peaceful. How will this occur, you may query?
The answer lies in the nature of this syndrome and the sufferers. This syndrome is usually present, to some degree or the other, in every human being and even in animals. But, it usually is passive in most cases. But, among women, it reaches an aggressive active stage, after marriage. The beauty of it is it can be passed on, most efficiently, by the female species. It usually progresses in distinct syptomatic phases before it becomes a full blown Syndrome.
The first phase is NR (Not Right ) Stage. This stage is most prevalent among male members of the species and is characterised by cluelessness. This stage can be achieved by most animals too.
The second phase is SR (Sometimes Right) Stage. This is the stage at which most men usually get immune to the R (Right) virus. Men who have advanced beyond this stage are a rarity and, are usually referred to by such reverent titles as Saints, Gurus, Prophets etc. This stage usually results in great success in professional careers to many men and is some times confused with full blown ARS by men. But, further research has shown that, this is a grave error and, may lead to much disharmony within the family, with the male member being, inevitably, disabused of his foolish notion.
Now, let us take the case of the afore mentioned sole sufferer of ARS in THE FAMILY. She, after marriage will take diligent measures to infuse the R virus into the new family member, to deteriorate the protege to the advanced SR stage (women are born in the SR stage). This is a very intricate process and should be done with utmost caution by only a full blown sufferer of the ARS. The danger is inherent in the nature of the R virus. If infused in huge doses the R virus has the propensity to mutate into the DKTDBRAW virus (Food for thought. Guess what that means!). This mutated DKTDBRAW virus has been known to be present in large numbers in Most men, all teenagers, all criminals and crackpots. This injudicious infusion of R virus and, subsequent mutation to DKTDBRAW virus has been found to be the culprit in many m-in-law d-in-law fights all around the world. Therfore, great care has been suggested by acute sufferers of ARS.
The third and final stage before full blown ARS is known as the UR (Usually Right) Stage. Once the protege reaches the UR stage then all is well and the sole sufferer of the ARS can relax and wait for the right time for the final infusion of R virus. The danger of KDTDBRAW has passed.
So, I have decided, after much thought, with the confidence that I am in the SR stage of the Syndrome, to find a girl without the ARS syndrome. My argument is, she will get it any how so, why deny myself the awe she will hold me in, as her strong, loving, polished, discerning soul mate (wow! Now, I am starting to believe it!) she has been dreaming of all her life? Of course, it would last only until she reaches the UR stage (given my mom's abilities and my cunning, I will give it about an year) and decides I am a moron with huge amounts of DKTDBRAW virus. But, what an year that woud be! Heaven! Ladies and G'men. Pure unadulterated Heaven of male hegemony and hero worship!
I rest my case.
You are right. I need an ARS sufferer my whole life. I take a hell of a lot of decisions professionally both for myself and for others. I don't(rather can't) want to take the personal ones too. Of course being an enlightened person, I know I am not equipped to do it. So, I do have the right to marry a women smarter than myself. Right? Well argued son! Well argued!
By the way, Princess, contrary to what you have assumed, I have taken some decisions on my own, like coming to america, choosing my career etc. Remember, I am in the SR stage. At my age, that is ,by it-self, a rarity. But, I consider myself, much above the average male, when it comes to Male Intelligence (As opposed to Intelligence which has higher standards). That is the beauty of ARS. It lets the ARS sufferer know when the R virus is active in the SR stage sufferer and thus removes the need for intervention. This is in direct contrast to the case when ARS warns the suFferer when the DKTDBRAW virus is active in the SR stage person. Such a case warrants imperative measures by the ARS sufferer.
As far as the "innocently divorced" question is concerned, you didn't get my point. The "it" in my question was synonymous to the biblical "Know"! Being aware of our peoples' penchant for over emphasis on virginity, I thought this was what was being conveyed by the subtle "innocent". As for your interpretation of "innocent" is concerned, you are right. No person is going to go on the record and say that they were the cause of divorce if they want to get married!
And, what does "corky" mean. I have been called choicy epithets by a lot of people, especially women, very few of them(the names I mean) good, but never "corky". Should I take it as a compliment? Something I am not used to. Or is it a thickly veiled slur on my sense of humor. If that is the case, fie on you woman! Just kidding.
Being a novice, what does this mean :)? Let me hazard a guess. It means "smile" right?
Ciao
Yup you got the smile bit wrong and corky is simply well "different" in a nice way!
Aren't we overanalyzing this whole ARS thing? I mean I don't spend that much time analyzing anything.
The way I see it I have a very different attitude towards finding a suitable person and parents don't pay a role in the finding part just in the blessing part :-)
Hi Princess,
Take it easy will you? That was a satire based on some of my friends who got into lousy marriages, hating it of course, because of their parents. Not that their parents were adamant about their choice, but because they thought they owed it to their parents. I am sure, if they had the guts to go ahead, they could have done it. So, peace :-) (did I get it right?).
As for your contention of parents being involved in "just in the blessing part". I have a question. Why even that? If their feelings, however insignificant, are not going to matter, why even seek their blessing? I don't think you really believe that:-)
After having dated a few American women, I need to share a few things with you. ALL of them took me to meet their parents. My attitude before their parents WAS important to them. Well, if the parents did not like me that would have been a diff. ball game all together. But, my friends LIKED me to meet their parents. They wanted their parents to like me and, I them.
Me thinks, you are really caught in between the conflicting cultures of India & USA. India, where they say you HAVE to consider the parents and, here, where they say you DO NOT. There is no conflict there. The bottom line is we are all humans. Whenever we make a decision, however good we feel about it, we need someone's support. Who is more worthier to extend that support than our family or friends? That is not insecurity, that is human. Nothing wrong in seeking that support. Nothing wrong with being human. Is it?
Peace.
Funlover,
Actually I've always introduced my parents to anyone I dated and obviously there weren't that many. My parents always accepted whoever I took home because they trusted my judgement and were happy for me. Obviously the two guys I picked to introduce them to were guys that they would have approved of anyway simply because my own set of weeding people out is very similar to my parents.
I've been on my own for 10 years so I don't have a "can I have your permission" relationship with my parents. My parents have always loved and respected me and as an adult accept whoever I brought home and loved him.
Anyone that marries for the sake of their parents to me is spineless. Something is wrong with that. Parents should be marrying off their son for the son's sake not for their sake. That's selfish. Anyone that marries without desire to someone that their parents have picked, has a bad marriage and then blames their parents is even a bigger spineless person.
We are all responsible for our own actions. Sure I'm putting it in a simplistic ways and life is not that simplistic and people have family pressures and probìems but our goal in life shouldn't be trying to ward off our parents insecuries and live our life for them. Even the vedas and upanishads talk about a man starting his own life when he gets married and that his spouse becomes his first priority. It's part of the hindu marriage vows.
For me my actions have proven plenty where I don't need to prove it by marrying someone they pick. They don't even interfere. Sure they'll point out someone occassionally but I don't get guild trips laid on me. Sure my mom worries and talks about it all the time but she'd be the first one to think it absurd to pressure me into anything.
Sure I want approval for the person I marry from my friends and family. But I've never had a problem. I've never had them dislike anyone so it was never an issue. The life that would be affected is mine and my husbands not anyone elses because we have to live with eachother everyday and long after everyoîe is gone we will still have to deal with eachother.
Hey I know plenty of people that married for their parents sake and had good marriages. But they never had any desires of their own. Their desires were whatever their parents desired for them. I personally don't know how that is growing up if one has parents making all major decisions of our lives and it never stops. Through childhood, schooling, adolecence, work, marriage. Hell some parents even tell their childern when it's time for them to have children. Don't you think there is somthing gravely wrong with that?
As long as parents have symbiotic relationships with their kids that's fine and if they are both on the same page it's great but when one thinks one way and the other another way that's when we have problems. And that's most of the time.
Princess,
In ten years did you find only two people good enough to take home to your parents!? :-) Isn't that rather selective? How is it that your method of "weeding" people out is so similar to your parents? And if it is similar, why not trust them to "weed" out some one for you? (Please, ma'am, treat us men a little bit better than destructive plants!:-) Or are we really that bad?) You mentioned that your choice was acceptable to your parents. They obviously respect your discernment. My question is, why not give them a shot? Sorry, for the cross-ex. I do not want to analyze you:-) Just playing the devil's advocate.
I have a freehand in selecting my soulmate. But, that does not mean that I will negate my parents' existence. Actually, the fact is, I need my parents blessings. But if they do not, it does not mean that I will leave the person who decides to marry me. That to me is stupidity. By the same token it does NOT mean that my need for their blessings will vanish overnight. What it means is we all agree to disagree. I'll extend the same regard to my parents. If they find a girl who is compatible and, who likes me and vice-versa, I cannot brush off their choice for the childish reason that they are my parents and, because of that, they have no business meddling in my affairs. This is basically because the value system ("weeding") I use is based, however little, on my parents' value systems. I disagree that is spineless. If I can give my friends a shot at finding a partner for me why not my parents? And why give my friends or parents the go ahead for finding me a partner? Why not find her myself? My belief is that we can do a lot of things in life but, sometimes we need help. We can try. But if we do not succeed, we cannot turn a blind eye to the suggestions of others, who we love and respect and, who love and respect us. I do not think that is spineless. I think that is plain maturity. And even in USA many parents try fixing up their sons/daughters with someone they know.
And we cannot generalize and say that every person who marries according to their parents wishes is spineless. I remember my English teacher in India in my 8th class giving an introdutory lecture on Shakespeare (Merchant of Venice, me thinkest). He knowing the adolescent reaction to the word love ( at that time we did not know the difference between that and the birds and the bees!) was trying to explain it. He said, and I still remember it, "love is sacrifice". You may say, that is a fatalistic vision of love. I may agree with you. But I also agree with my teacher. Love, not the person, some times demands sacrifices. Some times that love may be for a child, for a lover or for a parent.
It's possible. I have never been through it but I have known instances when that sacrifice has been demanded, and given. Sometimes, with disastrous consequences.
The fact is that in India you do not marry the person. You marry the family. That's the reason sometimes parents are adamant about who their kids marry.
As far as the vedas are concerned you are correct. It goes further than that. We'll get into theology some other time.
Pl. elaborate on "they had never had any desires of their own".
Boy, this chatting is making me think! And, I hate thinking!
Ciao
Funlover,
My parents didn't offer simply because it's a common understanding that the choice for a lifepartner is something I would make. I'm open to meeting people they would introduce me to but they don't know that many guys in my age bracket. Besides I'm an adult quite capable of making my own life decisions. I'd find it absurd to blindly marry someone my parents picked. My parents would find it absurd. Besides I won't marry someone I wasn't in love with and vice versa and love isn't something that is discovered in a few meetings.
Secondly the question isn't about finding only two men in 10 years, I didn't really start dating till some 5 years ago and both relationships were long term relationships.
By the way I never said that anyone that marries whoever their parents picks is spineless. I'm sorry if I came across that way. I have quite a few friends who chose to do that and are quite happy. I have a problem when people who marry someone their parents chose and have bad marriages blame their parents! Those are the ones I call spineless.
I absolutely agree that part of a relationship that involves love whether it's parental love or spousal love involves sacrifice. I'm quite aware of it. However I have a problem when people are miserable, complain, moan and groan about their life that they chose in the name of sacrifice. Sacrifice in it's true sense should be accepted whole heartedly and happily. Atleast in my world that is how it works. If I gave something up for the sake of my parents it was because I love them and I don't think twice about it again. I don't spend the rest of my life crying about it and blaming my parents for it.
"...didn't have disires of their own" meant...
Quite a few friends I know who had arranged marriages were coached and trained since childhood that an arranged marriage is what they were going to have and they accepted it whole heartedly hence never allowed their own heart or mind to think for themselves.
Princess,
It's been a long time I replied to you on this link. I have been involved in other interesting discussions.
Me thinks we are marching to the same beat. So, you are not really aginst parents making a suugestion but you are against them enforcing their views. Am I right?
Let's talk about desires. Did these friends talk to you about their desires as conflicting with their parents'? Or was it THEIR desire to follow a tradition?
To many Indians being "coached" and "trained" is not wrong to them. In fact the opposite is wrong. Would I not train my child not to do drugs? Yes. Why? Doing drugs is detrimental to the child. So, to many people of the Indian origin not obeying their parents is detrimental to a child. Which holds true in the drugs sense too. Indians take it to the next level and extend that to marriage and many others. In due course the child becomes a parent and does the same thing.
The "coaching" sessions such as not to do drugs, who to marry etc. are all based on the same premise. It is the duty of the parent to instill values into the child and equip it with the necessary tools to face life. Animals do it, humans do it. Indians do it, Americans do it. Some by instinct, some by intellect. But the values instilled and the tools suplied, differ by the nature of the species in the animals and, culture in humans. Different cultures instill different values to suit the cultures, and facilitate the survival of the culture. Many people confuse this instilling of values to indoctrination.
Here's where I disagree with you. Personally, I cannot pontificate because I am on a pedestal. I was instilled traditional values but also, I was given (by nature, by oppurtunity, by parents) the tools to think independently and question some of those values to facilitate my adaption to a different culture.
Some of my friends may not have the tools to question the values. Although tools enabled me to think and act independently, I would not criticise my friends for not having "desires". Because they never had the tools. Would I do the same? No. Similarly, I would not criticise the parents for "coaching" them. They do not know any different. Would I do the same to my children? No.
You say your friends' desires are the desires of their parents? It is common in India that the desire of the children (believe me, many times it is not forced, as americans tend to think) is to obey their parents. I am sure you agree everyone has different desires. In such a case how are your desires legitimate and theirs not? Maybe their heart and mind said "obey your parents". Maybe this sounds archaic to you. Maybe it sounds argumentative. But it is true. That's why I cannot criticise your friends. I do not agree with them based on my beliefs, but I can understand them.
Ciao
Funlover,
I never disagreed with any of the above.
I never said that the people who married happily at the tune of their parents did it half heartedly. They did it because that is what they believed was right and that is what they believed would make themselves and their parents happy.
I have a problem with people who got married in the name of tradition making their parents happy but being unhappy themselves wanting other things and not doing it.
If one chooses to follow a certain path regardless whether it is one they choose or one that chosen for them they should be in it 100% not half hearted.
Peace. May Dharma reign.
Hi All!
I think that there is a general problem with Indian parents in the way that they bring up their children....
Okay its fair that they instill morals and values and culture and all that BUT they don't take enough time out to really get to know their children. I know I am making a generalisation here but I do feel that this applies to the majority of Indian people.....However, there are a few lucky people who have liberal, open minded parents who really do know their children.
The problem usually is that parent's are too hooked on the family business or cultural/religious activities and don't spend enough quality time with their kids....
Another major problem especially for young adults is that parents just don't know when to "let go" and let their sons or daughters make their own decisions.....
They tend to be control freaks and need to know everything and anything and permission needs to be asked for everything.....they always look at their children as "I am your father/mother and you are my child so you listen to me" rather than treating your children (who are actually grown up now) as friends....
Parents like that are actually making their children run further away from them and the distance between them increases....
Honesty - how many guys out there can bring home a girl and introduce her as the girl you want to marry???
Or how many girls are there who can say that its kool to talk to your dad about guys????
(okay there probably are plenty but there are more of you who are affected by this)
This problem of wanting to rule their son's and daugther's and not giving them the freedom to do what they wish is the root cause of guys and girls wanting to move out when they go to uni....
And this is where people tend to make the most of it and usually do crazy things they wouldn't normally do because they were brought up so "reserved".....
I previously read a posting by Joseph somewhere else in this site on how to raise your kids....I think he gave some pretty good advice and he's pretty much got the right formula!
Parents need to show more openness and understanding to their kids and should give some leeway for them to do what they wish (within reason)....
On the note of marriage which is what I am supposed to be discussing really, I feel that a guy or girl who simply gets married for the sake of their parents is truly NOT their own person and may as well be classed as a pet because they are trained and lead a SET path of life which they will gladly follow and not live their life to the way they wish....for they don't have opinions, feelings or expressions...
Sadly in some cases we have to put up with this way of life because our parents are too strict and place too much pressure on us, this really needs to stop and parents need to give their next generation some independence....
If they don't treat their children well, how can they expect their children to look after them later on in life when they need to rely on them???
Thats all for now!
Simple message
Marry who you LOVE, forget what anybody else else thinks. Don't worry about status, wealth or looks (well just a little), think of spiritual and sexual harmony.
Hi Mr. SkyBlue,
I am glad something I posted on How to talk to kids was useful to you. Although there are many more who feel like you, it is sure encouraging to know that an effort has not gone wasted :)
Joseph....
Good advice is always worth praising!
Thanks for giving it out! And you're right about more people who may feel like me.....its a good thing that this site will be read by many people from anywhere and with any background...
Hi princess,Funlover and Jposeph.............
How are u mmmmm.I need some help I m going to india for marriage I was married before to in india but she turn out to be a very scary and selfcentered women So I left her over there she had some problems..
Now this is an arrange marriage again this girl she is smart shy and she is 22 and her parents are very young and educated I just wanna find out that how can I trust them I only Know them little bit. My Masi ji is doing all the communication but she seems nice on the phone and she is living with her family grandmother and everybody else I am scared that I am not getting into the same problem (that she is not getting married for the Immigration only).........I believe in god and kismat but your efforts had to be there and your honesty..So Can you guys give me some advise on that I would really apriciate that..........
Grasshopper,
While I can understand your problem I'm not one to condone or support arranged marriages of this sort. I can't in my world imagine being married to someone who I didn't know well enough. If you don't know her well or her family well you have every right to worry. But if you've been in this situation before and seen the bad of it why get back into the same situation again? Why not find someone suitable for you wherever you are instead of opting to going to India?
If getting to know her and her family is really important to you as it should be then put off the wedding till you do. Write to her/email her and tell her your fears because you were married before and had a bad situation and need to get to know her better. Don't marry a stranger and jump into a fire you've gotten out of once.
Grasshopper...
Thanks princess you are really a princess. Well I am talking to her on the phone she sound very compromising to me. The wedding is already set next month from my family I don't know what else should I ask her she seems really shy onthe phone.End of this month I am planning to goto india I am definetly be in touch with you after I come back from India.mmmmCan you suggest me some thing that what else should I ask her..........
I would really apriciate that.................
Thanks......
Grasshopper,
If it is important for you to get to know her then make a list of things that are important to you like goals you've set, your own traits, vices, likes and dislikes and what you expect from her. Be realistic about it. When you are down in India spend time with her alone and discuss these things with her. They may be uncomfortable and awkward however it will help ease things and help you in the long run. Perhaps someone on the forum who has had this type of a marriage might share with us what is done in such situations as it is foreign to me.
Hi Princess and others..
well, its been a while since I have posted anything in this discussion..I have also gone to the Indian matrimonial sites,posted and ad,and waited to see what influx of responses I would recieve.well I have recieved over 60 or so to date,and as others have mentioned,they are often disregarding the specifications I have mentioned, and many were deleted because they were'mass mailed" !!! I will not entertain an response that is sent to "everyone@everywhere.com" ..i say that with some ironical humor,as I am quite aware I am not the only one these people are responding to.
I am only 24, have only had this ad upfor about 2 months but I am already really frustrated by the way things go .. I ended up corresponding with someone who had been promising to send a photograph for weeks and weeks,and never did...some others do not disclose any information about themselves..and on and on..perhaps I am generalizing too much by this small sample, but I am quite disheartened nonetheless.
I dont know what I should do. Are there particular sites with more success rates? Should i be doing something differently? ALso, what is the proper way toproceed in responding to an matrimonial response? Are you to send photos' first,then contact by phone? if the person is far away in another city/state/country what plans shoudl be made for meeting? I would love to get some information Thanks
Anju,
Welcome back. How are you? Long time no see. Those matrimonial ads are a joke I find often. There are quite a few normal guys on there but the fact that they are normal means they have a lot of women up their sleeve. Email me whenever you get a chance I'll give you some sites that are good.
I have a rule of thumb that I don't bend on with matrimonaial ads and they seem to filter out people without much distress. He has to be Hindu, born or bred here in the US, absolutely from New York and definitely has to have a picture. I think when people are progressive enough to use a medium such as the internet to find someone to date/marry they should be progressive enough to have a picture scanned.
What I found out was that there are tons and tons of guys bullshitting on there, not really serious about anything, looking for a roll in the hay or simply killing time. So that means they are neither looking for someone serious or aren't real. Too many pretenses in the cyber world. And the few guys who are serious and normal get drowned among all these guys.
On the other hand, Indian women don't subject themselves to such ridiculous actions and are often quite serious when they go as far as to place an ad on the net for themselves so the women a lot of men are encountering are quite real.
Don't lose heart. I've found that the best way to meet someone is to make friends and meet people in real life and forget about the net.
Hi Princess,
Ill email you asap:) well, the thing is that you are lucky being ina place like New York, but in my city the population of punjabi/sikh men is very limited,and many of these are ppl we know as they are much younger! I was toying with the idea of just travelling.. for te sake of 'getting ou there' but it seems just as bad as I have seen indian men(not all but many) BS to you in real..just as much as online.
still discouraging...:) HOw do you know when someone is 'real' and/or 'serious'?
Anju,
I don't think one can tell in the first shot if someone is for real or all pretense. It takes time to get to know someone and if they are honest. Don't meet someone with the notion that you don't trust them anyway. It builds a lot of walls around yourself.
Be open and honest yourself and you can only expect the same in return. You are an adult think with your head initially before you think with your heart. An honest person is someone you can see through, has no secrets/skeletons in the closet and doesn't keep you apart from his life and friends. If you get a fishy gut feeling about someone it's probably true. I know for me intuition is a big thing. My suggestion to you is make friends and take it from there.
I can empathize with you living in a town where the prospects of meeting someone compatible are low. I know you were toying with the idea of going away to college for a while. What happened with that? I know a few people who live in bufu nowhere America and have that problem too. I wonder sometimes if parents consider these things when they move to such remote places that they will cut their children off from their world and and culture.
Princess,
thanksfor ur advice..college was not an option for me...once i startedto figure in the cost of living,etc in canadian dollars! I was planning to study inthe US.... So thats a no go for now...
having a bad experience or two..just makes me wary .. but I agree with the intuition part..thanks again
I had an eye-opening experience with respect to matrimonial ads. My parents wanted to prove a few points, that (a) it's time they started thinking about my future (as if I had nothing to do with it except for nod, say yes, and sign at the "X" when appropriate!!), and (b) in order to secure the choicest match for the best possible future, they would have to start now. So they put an ad in an Indian daily newspaper for a "test run."
The whole process daunted me for a couple of reasons: first of all, one of the points my parents brought up was that I ought to keep an open mind and not reject any potentials on any basis - ie. if it so happened that "brilliant match" came out of this test case, they would treat it with serious consideration, not just leave it as part of the experiment. Second of all, I had to keep an open mind about the fact that most (all) of these potential suitors would be young guys who'd grown up in India, but that I shouldn't limit them from the pool of potentials based on that.
Now I didn't get either of these notions. First of all, it seemed to me that they really *were* treating this as a serious endeavor, they weren't telling me though; and they were totally disregarding my stipulation that I would rather marry a guy who's grown up in the same way I have - traditional upbringing, but in the U.S.
Back to the experience: my parents ran the ad for a couple of weeks, and we got all kinds of responses. Although my parents declared several of them "a fit" based on caste, background, etc, they didn't act on any of them. They then questioned me as to which ones I would choose. They were a bit chagrined when I didn't really show any interest in any of them - and I certainly wasn't doing so to be difficult, I had my own reasons for not really liking any of them. The bottom line really was that I wasn't interested in marriage and an arranged one at that, at the time, however my parents would have none of it.
Of course, they were chagrined, and kept insisting that I had to be forthcoming about what kind of background/profession/interests I would like in a potential mate, and that they would do the rest.
Moral of the story: Communication, *open* communication is a must! On both ends. They don't want to hear that I don't want an arranged marriage, and I've not really heard (until recently) that they're doing the utmost to ensure my happiness by asking questions like what kind of a person I'd be interested in (most cases I've heard of, the parents really do only look at the family background etc.)....but ultimately they *do* want happiness for me.
Wish me luck in telling them I've done my own arranging, and no, he's not Indian....!
:)
Leena
At some level I feel matrimonial ads, or the entire arranged marriage concept is kind of dehumanizing for both parties involved. After all, if you do not click with one. you are expected to go find another, or another or another. Also, what if a woman is attracted but the man isnt? that is hurtful for her,and she is expected to go on to bachelor no.2
this is similar to dating isnt it? you win some you lose some..but it feels as if people are just reduced to stats and numbers. maybe im kind of bitter..but the proces hasnt been working for me.....
Anonymous,
Do you want to talk about it? What exactly isn't working for you? Have you tried analyzing what you are doing? I know that those things don't work for a lot of people but they do work for so many. I know women have a harder time with receiving quality responses while most males find less problems with responses to their ads.
Have you already become an expert in reading between the lines?
Dear Friends
Please write your experiences of dealing with writing and responding to matrimonial or similar advertisements.
Please be honest, frank and write straight from the heart. Your experience definitely which you will share with all friends will help millions of people who are going nowhere or who feel they must go back to their parents and accept their arrange marriage proposal.
Your experiences are most welcome.
Please do NOT write obvious or hidden solicitations via these pages as that will not be appreciated by most readers. If you are in need of placing a free ad, please use our classified ads which are viewed by over 40.000 viewers daily.
Please place your at http://hindustan.net/exchange
DATING : Although a different style, you can join http://indiadating.com
where membership is free.
Grasshopper to Princess..
Hi How are u Well here I am again Married and happy as fresh grass well there is always a light at the end of the tunnel I am married she is educated and smart and well mannered and sophisticated and I hope every body find happiness in the life you have to be positive thinker thanks for your help Princess....
BY GRASSHOPPER TO ANJU
Sat Sri Akal, I am sikh boy from Canada too, I understand the concept that there are too many things has to be right before you make the decision of marriage knowing somebody for only few days or u have to be really lucky with the family and the boy there are so many physcos out there they are very cunning. If I would be at your stage I would wate rather than making a quick move some time you think that I didn't do any thing bad for anybody else why would somebody do something bad to me that doesn't work always I had a bad experience I was married with the girl in India and I found out after some time that she ran away from the house before the marriage so many time and she was not home when ever I use to call her at her place in Ludhiana well there are so may frauds out there girls and boys they get married only to come to Canada or U.S even though I found out about month ago that the travel agent in India they tell the people in india that you get married with this boy or girl and when u go there you get divorce.So specially for the girls its very hard people always think the wrong way. I would go find social work where you can meet people or be little more active in the community and the go to the gurudwara to look for the boys to create a personality or your own insted of getting the Idea of making a choice let people make the choice I don't know May be I am absolutely wrong. Talk to u later Please do not rely on the net ..........................
Thank you Grasshopper for your ideas.
Princess..I only come back to this site off and on..as I am quite busy also..but
nonethe less.I have decided that when its going to happen it will happen. Good luck to everyone else :)
Grasshopper..one thing though.. I have decided that being single and enjoying this time is more a priority for me..than anything. Ill wait for that right person..who has proven their sincerity etc.
I have a problem. I have put an ad on a few different internet matrimonial sites,and I dont seem to be getting any responses at all!! My ads are specific,but do not disqualify any responses for superficial reasons. i am in my midtwenties and wonder if that is why I am not getting responses...any ideas, anyone?
Indian women are nasty and lunatics. They will send you feelers and responses only to dig into you and then disappear. My experience is that most Indian women are wasting theirs and others time and most of them are ••••••• looking for gold and money. Thats the only purpose of their marrying. They are focused and centered around money money and more money.
Their greed is awesome. Forget about other issues. Indian women are whores disguising as good girls - looking to enrich themselves and their families.
Guys beware of these gold diggers. I am sick of Most Indian women and their bad attitude. They will be totally devirginized and fukked up and they behave as if they were symbol of purity. They are worse or as bad as any slut. Shame on Indian women out there with their money seeking minds.
Whoa burnt!!! Thats a massive generalisation. We understand you've been hurt, but mate, she was one woman.
Hi Saurabh
No it is not generalization or may be but I am basing my experience on hundreds of women I contacted in the USA or in India. This applies to a great majority. They are driven by greed, thats the ultimate fact. Love, Family or Home are just words for them and do not matter. Most of them are crazy for money. They will do anything for that.
burnt,
Have you tried dating outside of your race?
Just a thought.
Hi!Friends, Here i wana share my experience of marriage through a matrimonial adv. I had hardly finished my graduation ,when i cleared my M.B.A enterance test.only amonth has been passed, since ihave joined UNI. that i met aguy who was my childhood friend. He was undergoing very hard time. Ifelt sympathy for him.So we again became friends.But everyone took wrong meaning of that friendship including my parents and even that friend of mine.Everyone start making there own conclusions that iwant to marry that guy.It was ashock for my so called SARDARI family because iwas only daughter of a royal family of PUNJAB, AND and the guy belonged to amiddle class .nobody asked me for exlaination butlocked me in the house and started looking matches for me.There prefrance was a N.R.I. match so they found they found a perfect matrimonial add on the internet .THE GUY WAS STUDENT OF buisness administration in STOCKHOLM UNI.and only son of his parents ,they have agood property in INDIA so we got enganged.I accept him as my fate .He was/is really very nice person with very good heart ,so ifell in love with him.It was/is my first love,i felt great ,iforget everything .Than after a year of crazy relation we got married.In India his family promised so many things to me,BUTT..........as soon as icame to SWEEDEN things were not the same. His mother and two sisters were ruling the family.They prisioned me in aroom my husband told me that he loves me too much but iwill have to do every thing what he wants and what his family wants .I accepted everything because i love him.His mother told me that iwould never learn sweedish,Iw would never have any contact with my parents,I would never go out of the house ,Iwould never talk to anyone in the house except my husband in the bed..Iaccepted everything.But still she wants us to have a divorce because she feels that her son loves me more than he loves her.I don´t know what to do now because ilove my husband too much.Through my experience i can say that one should rely on matrimonial adds..Get your children married in the families you know very well.Well i have some confusions in my mind regarding my future, If anyone of you can clear my confusion it would be very helpful.Should ikeep on living with aperson who is not able to do anything for me but still he says he loves me too much.Anyways if ihave to leave him ,than where should igo,because my parents would never accept me back.I AM 22years old,Professionally educated, PEOPLE SAY I AM BEAUTYFUL WITH AGOOD FIGURE, but i think ihave a good heart with alot of love in it. What should i do? DO I HAVE ANY PLACE IN THE WORLD? WOULD I BE ABLE TO FIND A PERSON WHO WOULD REALLY LOVE ME?
Dear Burnt on Dec 19
I guess you are talking about your own personal experience. I hope, when possible, you will be writing more of your experiences. Life is sweet and bitter and so are our experiences. But as Saurabh said one cant generalize so massively
Dear Anonymous on Friday, December 29
Thats terrible that you find confined in a 'cold home' in a cold Scandinavia
As you said your marriage ordeal started with a classified ad but in reality what you find here is a hostile mother in law and a I-will-tell-my-Mom type of husband. This is not the END of the world dear, so take it easy and try to make your best efforts and see if you can 'negotiate' your possibilities.
Well you say that he loves you but his family is treating you like a prisoner. This is NOT normal, I am afraid.
If he does not love you [well dilly dallying is not love or may be he is not mature enough] and his family is asking for a divorce - you better think of future. Yes you are not alone. Getting a divorced in a disfunctional marriage is not a sin nor that disqualifies one to suffer for the rest of life. Of course you will find someone to love you. A love which is genuine, sincere and unconditional.
You need not worry about divorce. It is not end of the world. Of course you can find wonderful people but it is more a matter of destiny and luck than our efforts. However we need to make some efforts too.
Please communicate as much as you can with everyone involved specially both your families.
If you are confused write more details and there is always some solution.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
If you need help either post a message or write me anytime. Be strong and dont get depressed. Never feel alone.
Dear KAPILA AND EVERYONE, Thanks for everything. I Am feeling very relaxed now.BYE for now and HAPPY NEW YEAR. I will see you later. LUV, SAVERA(ANONYMOUS OF SCANDINAVIA) ,
Dear BURNT, Hi!you have been cheated by Indian girls,I have been cheated by a N.R.I. family .Don´t you think we can share our wonds.Hope to hear from you soon. LUV-SAVERA
Dear BURNT, First of all i would like to suggest you to change your alias name-because it seems to painful to call aliving person`BURNT´It let you go through the same pain through which you have been.I can understand you have been through ahard time, but you have to come out of this and you will take your first step by changing your alias name.Look at other guys `GRASSHOPPER´-`FUNLOVER´.The world is full of sufferings, youare not the only one who has been suffered or who have been cheated .I read somewhere- FARIDA MAIN JANEYA DUKH MUJKO ,DUKH SABA JAG , KOTHE CHAR KE DEKHYA GHAR GHAR AHO AGG. (well i´don´t remember the exact verse) So be positive towards life. I know it´s easy to advice someone but when it comes to you only than one comes to know how tough it is, but still we can try. Death is the begining of anew and better life.So from onwards everything goodand best is going to happen in your life. Well one thing more ,I know you have been through worse experience with Indian girls, but this doesn´t mean that all Indian girls are bad, meen, characterless, greedy.This depends upon person to person.So you should not generalize your opinion for all Indian girls from the experince of few ones. If you look at me I didn´t marry my husband because he is a N.R.I. or he is a rich-I marry him because i found him to be a nice man and ofcourse I LOVE HIM. So when icame to Scandinavia, I was treated like a prisoner.But still I want to live with him.I am an INDIAN too.What you will say about me.I think that if you relly love someone youdon´t care how the other person is treating you, you just love him that´s all,and you will do anything for your love. Well it´s my thinking ,Idon´t know i am right or wrong, because presently iam going through a hard time.Well BYE for now ,I will wait for your answer. LUV-SAVERA
Dear Anon from Sweden,
I think the social services in Scandinavian countries are very good. They should help you incase you want to leave your husband. You should go to their office and discuss the matter with them. I have lived in Sweden too and I know the people at the social services should surely help you. It is very sad how this family is treating you. It is high time you did it otherwise you might get depressed and do something terrible. You can get the address from telephone directory. Most Swedish people speak English therefore you should not have a problem.
GOOD LUCK !
i found a sweet girl on the internet. we are both americans of indian descent. i originally placed the ad because i had recently moved up here to massachusetts, and this is one way to meet new freinds. anyways, we met on the day after diwali, and we hit it off. she was cool and on a higher intellectual level.
anyways, that was a sunday. the next saturday, we hung out, and the sunday after that, we went to the mall all day together. then, i told her (on the phone) i liked her, and that next time we go out, it'll be a date. she came over my place that wednesday, and that night, it became official.
that was 3 months ago. i like her a lot as a person. but...she's not the one for me, and i never had the intention of getting married - esp. with her. i think she does, nad i never implied to her that i'm going to get married ASAP. i think that she has and that freaked me out!!! as a matter of fact, i told her that i'm going to get married at ~34.
here's the thing: i know that i must break up. however, i think about 3 things of her, like when she first came to my apartment and we're eating a meal that i pain-stakingly cooked for her, she looked at me as if she were touched by that. also, i think of how she points her fingers or her hand expressions. man, i feel very sad thinking about those two things.
anyways, how should i break up? should i do it over the phone? on the internet via an e-mail? should i help her find a boyfriend first, and then break-up now that she's on her own 2 feet? i know what i'll say. i'll just say the truth: i've got to place my priorites first (work), and i think that she needs to as well. also, this is for her own good - and mine. i still want to have a platonic relationship. plus, i know that she's my best friend after moving to this area.
Hey Mahesh,
First of all, why would you officially go on a date without having an intent to get serious and finally get married if everything worked out? You could tell her the very first time that you were just looking for a friend, someone to talk to.
Anyway, now you should tell her the truth without being selfish. If you don't want to marry her, let her know that the earliest possible, even if it results in her going away.
No, you don't need to find her a boyfriend. Let her do it herself. It really doesn't matter how you break up or rather tell the truth; but, I think it wil be easier via e-mail.
Take care
Hello Jat Punjabi,
Thanks for the advice, man. Listen up man, this si what I've decided to do, and these are some of the things i've already done:
what i've decided: i'm going to be a gentle-man to her. i'm going to be her friend, and i'm not going to play games with her. i like her a lot, and me being sensitive, i know that i'd get hurt more than her.
what i've done so far: i've never told her about me wanting to marry her. i told that i only want to get married at 33 many times (about 3 times).
i'm not going to break up with her. she can break up with me, and i will feel better about it. i'm going to keep her until she breaks up with me, and i'm not going to try to expedite the break-up. like i said, i'll still be really sweet to her but i won't take advantage of her.
we just went to the bookstore today. also, i havent' kissed her since january 1st.
Dear ANONYMOUS(of 18JAN), Thanks for the advice .You are right,Social services are really very good in Scandinavia.But they are of no use to me,because i can´t go there.I am not allowed to go out of the house.Even i am not sure that i want to leave my husband or not because i love him too much.And secondly my question is that if in future we will have divorce, than where will i go? Because my parents will never accept me back. I don´t have anyone to look upon after divorce.so what should i do?Well we have shifted to denmark now.Please keep on writing me, because it is my only relief in such a shuffled life. BYE for now. LUV-`SAVERA´
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