| By Helen on Monday, February 08, 1999 - 07:57 am: |
I've come here for some real advice and I don't want to get into the right or wrongs of affairs.
I am married myself but not Indian. My husband suggested I do some research because I know next to nothing about arranged marriages.
A woman friend who is Indian confided in me the other day her husband was having an affair. She was very upset and I just tried to be of support to her. I guess she thought it was over but the affair resurfaced.
being American I would say if he won't stop she should divorce but my husband says it could be different in Indian culture with arranged marriages.
I have read differing comments here. One person says a woman would leave and others say she would never divorce. Which is more true?
I am not sure what type of advice to give my friend but i know she is isolated from family and her family really wants her to stay with this guy. Why I don't know since he keeps cheating.
My husband is a lawyer and we could help her, but we just don't know what her culture is like and how we can best help her.
The religion is Sihk(sorry about the spelling)and I know she is from N. India. Punjab I think she said. Would this have any impact on her choice?
They do have two young children and she is at home with them. Her husband is finacially secure and she is educated but not employed.
It sounds to me that it is the culture that is causing the most problems or could it be the religion? Is it truly difficult for a divorced Indian woman to remarry if she wanted to return to India?
I have not given much advice yet and I really want to understand more before I make any suggestions. I have a hard time understanding her family wanting her to stay married to him. Would they come around if she were to explain they he would not stop his affair? Or do they think she should be able to live with that?
I think she would be fine in terms of financial support and outlook for employments etc. my husband thinks she most likely would be able to get primary custody as well. But he says he has seen Indian women in his legal practice leave children with the husband because of the difficulties in finding another husband when they have children. being a parent myself I find this horrfying. This is why I want to learn more so that I can help her in any way possible.
They have a two year old girl and a boy who is 5. I really get the feeling that she is very unhappy and would like to change her situation, but I just don't know if her background allows her many options. I have wondered why she is often depressed and now I am starting to understand.
So please could someone answer some of my questions. I do want to help her but I am afraid I am very ignorant in respect to how things look from her perspective. Would someone please offer me some insight? It would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.
Helen
| By Anonymous on Monday, February 08, 1999 - 10:07 am: |
My husband left me for a blonde American woman. I would not discount what Kate said about her boyfriend. Sounds too much like my ex-husband for me to sit here silently.
I do not wish to go on about this, but you can never know what goes on inside the mind of some men.
| By Joseph on Monday, February 08, 1999 - 06:09 pm: |
Hi Helen,
What your friend is encountering is a cultural phenomenon, religion of course will play some role as it is part of the culture. Your friend being a woman also plays a big role. Parents wants her to stay because they look at her as social taboo and a liability if she gets divorce. Parents (family) are looking for their interest. It sounds like she did not have opportunity to be independent financially and probably is scared to venture without her family's support. In short, within the culture and religion, situation like this differs vastly based on what level of orthodoxy there is within the family.
Everything points back to the original concept of arranged marriage where marriages are made with family interest as a primary focus and individual as secondary. Also please read the current discussion thread on "arranged vs love marriages" if you have not already done so, it may help you in understanding your friend's situation further.
| By Rayna on Tuesday, February 09, 1999 - 08:53 am: |
Yes Helen. What Joseph said is right. But she has to be astrong woman to really go against her family's wishes. If she is educated an all, she should not be afraid to take care of herself. Moreover, if she continues to stay in the US, the chances of getting married are higher (probably). I have a feeling that she will since there are many divorced Indina men too in the US.
My best wishes are with you. Hope you succeed in your efforts.
| By Ganpath on Sunday, September 26, 1999 - 02:19 pm: |
i have a friend who is 40yrs plus. She is single mom. I'm 28. Recently we showed interest in having sex. Is it good for a guy who is 28 to have sex with 40+? I'm thinking of servicing her only. She is also a human being with feelings. Definitely she could have wants it too. What should I do? Go for it?
| By Anonymous on Sunday, September 26, 1999 - 06:49 pm: |
Ganpath,
"Servicing her only" Well... how do you know she will not get emotionally attached? Since you are friends with her.
Be clear and careful in your communicaiton. You should tell her exactly what it is means for you to have "sex" with her, before hand.
If she is single mom and lonely, chances are she might get attached to you. One human being should not play with another human's emotions.
There are other alternatives...
| By Yanna on Sunday, September 26, 1999 - 09:00 pm: |
Namaska all,
I meet an Indian man who is separated. I have decided not to pursue the relationship because of his marital status. I was told that divorce takes a long time because the courts. Is this true?
Thank you for any information.
Yanna
| By Princess on Monday, September 27, 1999 - 12:20 am: |
Yanna,
It all depends on where he is located and how long is he seperated. You are wise to be cautious simply because usually seperations are meant as breathers for people and not necessarily as a pre-requisite for divorce.
Before you get involved with him make sure he is free of the emotional bonds, the marriage and any responsibilities that might hinder in your relationship.
Good luck.
| By Anonymous on Monday, September 27, 1999 - 12:44 am: |
Yanna,
If he has morals and ethics he should wait until formalities of marriage are finalized. Marriage is a serious business and most of us take it very seriously. If he is taking it less seriously and willing to start a relationship while he is morally, ethically, religiously bonded to someone else... that is a reflection of his character as well. Something you should consider as a part of your decision making process as well.
| By Yanna on Sunday, October 03, 1999 - 03:19 am: |
Hi Princess and Anomymous,
I appreciate your answers. I spoken with him on the phone twice and have sent him an e-mail of which he has not answered. I was hoping to send him a greeting for Diwali however that will be in November and I really I wish to contact him before then. I will send him a direct e-mail asking if he would like to remain in contact on a limited basis. If I don't hear from him after that I will chalk him up to experience.
I am African American and although I read men from my own culture very well sometimes I need a little help with South Asian men. So is it true that divorces can take a long time. It is what he told me. I am just trying to check out the information. From your answers it sounds like it could and it could not.
Thank you for the insight it was very helpful. I will let you all know how it goes.
Take care,
Yanna
PS
If you are African American and in a relationship with an South Asian please write me. I would like to share experiences.
| By Pardesi on Tuesday, November 02, 1999 - 12:31 am: |
To Aman Khera
You seem to be in a predicament most people go thru at some stage during their marriage. The extra marital affair can be bliss or hell. There is also an alternative. HAve you heard of "swinging" where both the couple might enjoy another couple and yet retain their marriages intact. This of course can only work when both the husband and wife have an open mind, and have absolute confidence themselves. This may not result in emotional attachment with the other party but you can attain sexual pleasure that migh even add spice to your own marriage
| By Anon on Tuesday, November 02, 1999 - 02:20 am: |
Pardesi,
Since, I have not experienced "swinging" could you please help me understand few things.
How long were you married (you & wife)before you guys decided to try this?
Women tend to get jealous, possessive and emotional
being a woman how does your wife avoid or escape all of this?
How do you find another couple who understands the dynamics of "swinging" and want to participate?
This details may help understand how things work to many people who may be wondering, wanting to try it, or just to understand it.
| By Rajesh123 on Thursday, May 04, 2000 - 11:20 pm: |
Are there any "swinging clubs" ?
| By Anonymous on Thursday, August 17, 2000 - 03:10 pm: |
hi,
I am a girl studying in college.I have a boy friend
who wants to enjoy sex with me.I am ready to have sex
with him,but i found out from him that he is interested in anal sex, is it safe.I dont know what to do. He tried once,but it was too painfull for me.
I told him to apply some lubricants but he refused.
He enjoys when I start screaming due to pain.Please
help me.
jude
| By linda on Tuesday, November 07, 2000 - 08:57 pm: |
hi my name linda im an american woman who is married and has 3 kids i just recently met a guy from india who ive grown attached to.. weve done went out once and im finding myself getting closer everyday. he said he likes me alot to but im so confused because hes only 24. before i can go on i need to know if he could be sincere. please give me some advice. do the guys from india mean what they say?
| By Jai on Tuesday, November 14, 2000 - 12:55 pm: |
Hi,
Iam an Indian Married,
Lets put all this crapy terms like relegion, culture, tradition and realise that we are Human Beign first.
Marriage is a realtionship of two people who Love each other. If there is a dispute on the relationship its very important to be realstic and discuss the issue with your partner, if it goes beyond discussion and lands to a situation where breaking up is better option.
Than if she/he is indian or american or nigerian or an Sikh does not really matter. After all she is girl like any other girl in the world,
NO GIRL WANN SHARE THEIR HUSBAND NOR VISA-VERSA.
So ignore the nationality and religion and culture and advixce your friend being a women and a good human beign
Regards,
Regards,
| By Undertaker on Tuesday, December 05, 2000 - 03:22 am: |
Hi Jude, don`t know if your still on but drop the jerk. He likes when you scream in pain, what does the tell you?? Anal sex is something that can not be rushed into and if your uncomfortable with it or scared it will hurt worse. If he won`t use the lubs, find someone else that will.
| By sameer on Wednesday, February 07, 2001 - 08:53 am: |
to all those concerned,
i am an indian male born living in india. before one rushes into a relationship while being married hemust remember that he is being selfish.marraige is never perfect.no matter how beautiful your wife is or no matter how emotionally attached you are to your wife you are bound to get attracted to other women.but remember that a single commited relationship provides peace of mind, you will develop a relationship which will be based on mutual respect for each other. a commited relationship means that god forbid you land in dire straits say financially or health wise someone will be there to stand by you and take care of you. now isint that more rewarding than just satisfying your sexual libido,which i may add just provides a temperory low quality high like cigarrettes and drugs.
though my views might be old fashioned yet they are solid in their content of wisdom atleasst that is what i feel.
concerned.
| By Anonymous on Thursday, February 22, 2001 - 06:32 pm: |
Scientists do not believe in telepathy. They do not have any means to critically dispose any claim of telepathy. Poor Scientists.
Telepathy is possible. Possible even to the sexiest extent. You can intercourse your wife or for that matter any other lady telepathically. This means while you masturbrate yourself thinking of your wife or any other lady, you can transmit that message telepathically to the wife or that lady sleeping at a distant places even more distant 500 or 600 kms., your wife or that lady will have the experience of getting intercoursed or happily molested.
Modern Science is getting idiot day by day only thinking of all those computer programs , genetic theory, etc. They are not able to track the hidden truth.
| By marium husain on Monday, July 23, 2001 - 03:32 pm: |
Please send me some theory matter on--reasons ,effect on children,on husband-wife relation in extra marrital affair.also causes andprevention of extra marrital affairs.
please respond before 29th july 2001.
| By LINDA on Sunday, August 26, 2001 - 05:21 pm: |
HI, IM AN AMERICAN WOMAN WHO IS LOVE WITH A GUY FROM INDIA. IVE BEEN CHATTING WITH HIM FOR 18 MONTHS NOW. IM GOING TO INDIA SOON . HE WANTS US TO GET MARRIED WHILE IM THERE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE TELING ME THINGS LIKE HE WONT LET ME COME BACK. ILL BE AN OUTCAST OVER THERE, ILL BE LIKE A SLAVE TO HIM. CAN THIS REALLY HAPPEN????
| By Arun on Friday, September 07, 2001 - 07:19 pm: |
Linda,
My name is Arun, I am from India, Now I live in US. I am married to an American Girl since 2yrs. I would love to help you, and you can also talk to my wife. Do email me at kivi_26@yahoo.com
I cannot explain much here in this board. But I will try to do some explaining.....
In general yes, you will be the OUTCAST. But my wife took it real good when we visited India, because I love her and thats what matters to her. I stood by her side, and I will always.
Do not worry about becoming a slave. You cannot be held by ur husband. All you have to do is call the American Embassy and they will help you to get out of there(in case there is trouble). But if you know the guy enough there shouldn't be any problem.
I would like to tell you more about myself and my wife Sherry and our India trip, If you are interested. Let me know.
Also do tell me where is the guy from (which state) and what lanugauge does he speak ? That way I can help you more....
thanks,
Arun.