i have been reading this site for a few months and i thought i should also contribute to it. i am going through a separation period with my wife. we were married for 4 monthly only last year and have been separated for 5 months.got married last year april.21 in india.I am a guy, i am 28 . marriage was arranged,never knew a thing about her before.
in october she left me,she called the police 2 days after my parents came over , told them i and my parents are harassing her(i never lay my hands on her,and god knows that and so does my parents), so she left and went to live with somebody i never knew.She has completely disappeared from face of this earth. She filed for domestic violencE!!!i never ever abused her and i say it again, God knows.Because i am a guy and i know people like believing that a guy can abuse his wife(esp. indian guys), so i cant help trying to understand the people reading this who think i am lying.Anyways, the court decided to pay her $600 a month for 3 months.I dont know where she is staying but i always knew in the back of my mind that she married me just to come to the United States.I knew she never had any relatives in US but since all the checks got cashed in US in california, she is here, i know that.i live in maryland, i have lost my friends because they dont believe me. Since she used to call up my friends and tell me that i am not treating her right!!i was torn apart between her attitude to live with her and what is happening with me!!
Meanwhile her dad in India went around in our society in Delhi and cried out loud with our neighbours that my parents had thrown her out of the house, that i tortured her and i had demanded 6-7 lakhs rupess as dowry. I swear by the One above i never took any dowry.She was anyway from a lower middle class family and she looked so decent to my parents that obviously they fell for her,thats all they wanted.it came out to be all false.Her plan to leave me was so neatly laid out and executed over 4 months that i never realized she had other intentions.Although , she used to fight like crazy over unimportant things,but i ignored them since she was just 22.
We are still undergoing the shock and my parents still live in the fear of her and her father's friends or her friend's(with whom i guess she lives).
believe me friends, i have been abused mentally so much that i have gone a change in my personality myself towards women so suddenly.
I can file for a divorce after 1 yr as the law says,never imagined a person like me has to go through a divorce.It just seems like everything what i believed in about woman,marriage has all fallen apart.
i know there are guys out there who have gone through such situations, i would like to know more and share more and want someone to tell me-what can i do to get some justice???? i know she will come back looking for more and more money later during the divorce but what can i do to tell the world that its not me,its her??? can somebody share?

By Leena on Friday, March 10, 2000 - 08:49 pm:

Hi Sameer, and welcome!

I responded to your post on another thread. Please note that posting the same message to more than one thread is considered spamming on this site - no harm done, just for future reference!

By Kamran on Friday, March 10, 2000 - 09:40 pm:

Big Tig holding it down on Rap City in the basement Sameer. Leenas right don't spam. I also responded...check it out.

By Leena on Friday, March 10, 2000 - 08:41 pm:

It's sounds like you've been to hell and back, Sameer. Tell us more about your situation, talking can be healing. This is a great topic to develop - there are a few guys who post here about being used/abused by their wives, but they're in the overwhelming minority - most of the stories posted are from women in their plight. (I hope you don't write off 22 year olds though, obviously your wife had intelligence to put this unfortunate but organized plan together.) And also the angle about being used for one's visa/citizenship status. I've heard horror stories about people marrying in a calculated way, just to emigrate to the U.S....but how widespread is it really, and how can you protect yourself and minimize that risk?

Some thoughts to ponder for all of us.

By Kamran on Friday, March 10, 2000 - 09:03 pm:

People marrying just to get to the USA/Canada is a big problem. There is no way to protect yourself. I don't speak from experience for I am not even married yet. But my parents are looking. One of the big criteria for me was that the girl be from USA/Canada or she has to have lived here for a couple of years to make sure that she does like it here. I can't believe how cruel some people can be. Why would you want to wreck another persons life just for immigration? Marriages are always a gamble but in our culture they seem to be a bigger gamble.

By sameer on Saturday, March 11, 2000 - 12:41 pm:

leena, i cant seem to find your response on any other thread. Can you please repeat or email me your opinions. thanks

By Susan on Sunday, March 12, 2000 - 12:31 am:

Sameer - I would suggest that you get a good attorney and handle your situation through the legal system. Otherwise, I believe you're right - she will keep coming back over and over until she drains you dry financially and emotionally. I'm very sorry she treated you this way. Please know that all women are not like her - there is a decent, honest, loving woman somewhere out there in the world for you. Don't give up on happiness. Best of luck to you. Please keep us updated how things are going with you.

*****************************************************

Karen - Bless your heart. It seems that you've given everything within your power to make your marriage work. Unfortunately, one person cannot do it alone. If your husband is not willing to change to save his marriage then you must take decisive action.

You said you are financially secure. I would suggest moving out, away from him. You have to put yours and your childs well-being first. With alcohol and drugs in the picture, it's not an enivornment in which you or your child need to be. If you're not comfortable moving out alone, is there someone close that you could go stay with?

Then the question you must ask yourself is if you are ready to sever the relationship permanently. If you are without any hope and ready to do that, proceed quickly. If you want to try again to make the marriage work, then you have to make your plan.

If you do want to give him another chance, you need to make it clear to him what you expect (give up the alcohol, drugs, etc.) and when you expect it (set a time period and stick to it.) I would also recommend that you insist he must seek professional councelling (individually and family) without any lying or deceptions. Lastly, make clear what the consequences are if he does not change - you'll leave him permanently.

One last thing - I'd like to offer the same advice as I did Sameer - please don't think all men are like your husband. If things don't work out in this marriage, don't give up on all men. There is certainly a man out there who would love you and your child and treat you both well. There are men who would never hurt another, especially their wife.

Best of luck to you and your child Karen. Please keep us posted, okay?

By Princess on Sunday, March 12, 2000 - 02:35 am:

Sameer,

I'm sorry for your sitation. Sadly you are the prefect example of how and why arranged marriages don't work. Many out there do but you had a terrible marriage and one that wouldn't have been if you had known the person well before marriage. I'm very sorry for your pain. Be grateful that your marriage ended in 4 months instead of 4 years and a few kids later. That would have been worse.

Don't worry about the world or what anyone would think or say. People will say and do as they please, unfortunately you cannot control that. Our actions speak for themselves and if you are indeed the kind of person you say you are and haven't done any harm in time people will see that. Let only god be your judge and in time everything will fix itself.

Your main concern should be to get away from all this, move on with your life and make the best of it which you can. We should learn from our mistakes not wallow in them. We are the only species on earth blessed with an amazing brain. Gather up your courage and move on for your sake and for the sake of your parents. And I assure you that not all women or people are like that. You met a bad seed. Don't oestercize the entire female race for her actions. And I hope that you will never marry a stranger again.

Wish you all the best.

By sameer on Sunday, March 12, 2000 - 03:07 am:

susan , i am handling it thru an attorney.According to my salary, i cant afford to pay her everytime she keeps coming back.It is still in process.however, i have paid her for 3 months already. i know she will come back and ask for her dowry and marriage expenses etc.i have to deal with that.

By Susan on Sunday, March 12, 2000 - 07:32 am:

Editor - What happened? When the thread was moved it looks like all the responses got jumbled around and it's hard to see who is replying to what.

Hi Susan - Princess
We collected messages from 4 different pages to make it one thread. Fixed it. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Ed.

By Princess on Monday, March 13, 2000 - 03:25 am:

I agree Susan,

Ed please fix this in the correct order :-)

By sameer on Tuesday, March 14, 2000 - 02:34 am:

thanx princess and leena for spending some time writing for me.
yes,i am trying my best to get all the courage i have and move on.The best thing is i have started concentrating on my work more than anything else,so i keep my mind away from it.But still sometimes,it comes back when i get lonely,i think-did i deserve all this?or maybe-why me?? i always wanted to get to know the person before marriage but i also knew that my parents(being quite orthodox themselves)will always insist on arranging my marriage.Ironically,i had told my parents after i met my wife personally before marriage that i didnt find something right about her because she was not curious about me as a 'person' at all,but still they went ahead.Being under pressure from my family,pressure of having only a month's leave from work to go to india and get married, and the pressure of-how long will i live 'alone' in a strange country?-led me into this mess.
Even if i would have spent more time with her before marriage, i can bet a million bucks that it would have been quite impossible to really find out what she and her family had in mind since people with such intentions are lot smarter and dangerous than what you think.
After receiving back the checks(which i had sent to her) from my bank , i realized that she currently lives in California near Los Angeles (thats where the checks were cashed at Washington Mutual Bank in El Segundo,CA),but still who knows. One of my friends ,who is a job recruiter in the IT industry, dug out her resume on monster.com posted on Nov.14! No decent girl leaving her house on Oct.29th will be posting resumes and start looking for job in 15 days!
We are trying to work some things out with the immigration authorities to at least stop the girl getting an H1.However,deporting her is kinda impossible. Talking to INS is really slow.However, the visa consulates surely welcome such information and they say they are curious to know how many people suffer like this.They are taking some steps for sure.
I am planning to set up a web site on the internet where people's grievances will be posted,compiled and appropriately sent to the US immigration authorities regarding turning arranged marriages into a racket.
what do you all say??:)

By Stand up on Tuesday, March 14, 2000 - 05:10 am:

Sameer,

Excellent idea... about the website... it is a positive step in recovering from this emotional trauma.

I am glad you are keeping your perspective while you are going thru this.

By Standing on Tuesday, March 14, 2000 - 10:20 am:

I think it's terribly sad that your parents pressured you into the marriage even though you thought there was something wrong.

Good luck to you!

By Kamran on Tuesday, March 14, 2000 - 08:44 pm:

It just wasn't his parents he also stated 'how long will i live 'alone' in a strange country?'. He wanted to get married.

By sameer on Tuesday, March 14, 2000 - 11:18 pm:

yes kamran,i wanted to get married but not to somebody who was not interested in me or was planning to leave me! living alone did not drive me crazy or desparate to get married,if thats what you are trying to say.

By Kamran on Tuesday, March 14, 2000 - 11:56 pm:

Sameer,

Regardless of what anybody says, you are not crazy.

By Leena on Friday, March 17, 2000 - 08:26 pm:

Hi Sameer, did you find my post on the other string? Just checking....I can't find it now either!!

By sameer on Tuesday, March 21, 2000 - 04:35 am:

no leena , i couldnt:) would you like to post it again here?

By Leena on Tuesday, March 21, 2000 - 09:37 pm:

I'll try and find it...there are so many threads, it's quite easy to "lose" where you've posted before...in the meantime, how are things, how are you doing?

By sameer on Thursday, March 23, 2000 - 04:23 am:

i am doing fine leena,keeping busy with anything that comes my way.I would say the best thing to recover from such emotional downs is to concentrate on work and think about how to make more money:))i am not thinking right now how my life will be alone,what will i do next year etc etc.I am concentrating on 'today'.

By Leena on Thursday, March 23, 2000 - 02:28 pm:

Good for you, sameer, that's the way to do it, little steps, and to get through it one day at a time. Hang in there. In the meantime...{!}....sometimes it's really hard to find where you've posted before!! I could've sworn I'd posted to you on another page, but I'm at wit's end...I know I'll stumble across it when I've just about given up looking for it!

By K on Tuesday, April 11, 2000 - 04:23 am:

Hello SAmeer
I am in situation somewhat of Sameer and would like some information from any quarter .
So please respond to the mail address below.
Please respond to kashyapkapil@netscape.net

Thnaks
Kapil

By Anonymous on Sunday, April 30, 2000 - 02:00 am:

Hey Sameer,

I was just readin all the messages bout you and what happened in your life. i may not be one of those people that talk with intelligent words and like to debate but i would like to tell you that you are such a strong person. big ups to you brother. keep it real and best of luck with whatever you do.

By Sameer on Sunday, April 30, 2000 - 05:28 am:

Thank you Anonymous.

By Sureena on Wednesday, May 03, 2000 - 09:38 am:

Hey Sameer, It's me (anonymous)

No problem Sameer. you totally deserve that. you keep it real and remember that it's all for tha best. i want you to know that you're not alone and that u seem like a great person. just keep on husslin and you'll get through this.
nuff luv and respect for you take care

By sameer on Wednesday, May 03, 2000 - 10:10 pm:

haha.ok,thanks,sureena:)

By Jaani on Saturday, May 20, 2000 - 12:11 pm:

Hello Sameer and other friends here!

My story is very similar to Sameer's. I got married the same way in Delhi last year to a girl who started showing her true colors just 2 days after marriage (we only stayed together for less than 2 months). It was, but obvious, soon after the marriage that she didn't marry me but my US passport. It was also clear after the marriage that she had an affair with her brother-in-law (jeeja). Her sister and jeeja live in the U.S.on H1 or something and sister seems to know about this too! Talk about Modernism!

I was willing to forgive and forget but didn't wanna be taken for a further ride; so I told her that I was not going back to the US and we would have to stay in India (I had told her before marriage as well that I will eventually live in India) and I meant it. She now started manipulating and forcing me to go back to the US and asked me to sponsor her on "Fiance Visa" as that would take shorter time (she had obviously done her homework). I flat-out refused to do anything illegal. Being fed-up with the whole situation, we decided to live separately for a while: she with her parents in Bombay and I in the US. I told her that the day she decides to live with me in India, I will be back on the next flight (again, I meant it).

After I came back to yhe US and she went back to Bombay, she started working at her old job within 3 days and started lodging complaints against me with Women's Comission in India and "Dowry Cell" that I had harassed and physically abused her for dowry (A false "Dowry Case" is the most deadly weapon given to Indian women by Indian Courts and the Guy and anybody from his side of the family can be arrested on spot just by her say so! I don't really blame the girls for misusing this weapon for if you give somebody a "license to kill", he is bound to use it eventually: so I think its yet another flaw in the Indian Judiciary System).

Anyhow, eventually it all boils down to "Money" and thats what both our families are negotiating (how much she gets from me) as we speak. Its been more than a year since our separation and I am hoping that I will soon be divorced.

Like Sameer, I had contemplated complaining to the INS so she couldn't come to the US; then I thought that maybe she should come here and see that its not all its hyped up to be and certainly not worth playing with lives!

Sameer and other Guys in similar situation, please feel free to email me and maybe we can help each other out by sharing our experience.

By Grasshopper on Sunday, May 21, 2000 - 08:28 am:

Well I think I share my story withe people on the net before. I went to India for Marriage 4 yrs ago and I found one punjabi girl in Ludhiana pb.So she was everage looking and tall and smart. So I met her and I was shy and nervous at the first every thing went well.We got married Than I came back to Canada But first couple of weeks she was making the excuses about sleeping together but thats fine with me she was telling me that she had a long period I ignored it Now I left her with my parents for two months at my home then my parents came back from india Because they went with me. Than we start talking on the phone first couple of weeks she was asking me every day that Did you sponser me I said not yet than she use to get upset and start talking loud and very dominating style she was one of those people who call from india in the middle of the night from the std and tell their phone numbers to call them back very fast and hang up and you canot write it that fast and you are in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere than when you talk to her next time she make fun of you and Americian,and Canadian society.
So she start talking to me on the phone than she went somewhere in india far away from her house and she lived there for may be 2 months
than I didn't talk to her for a week than she all the sudden she call from std that call me back at my uncle's place because everybody is saying what happened why he is not calling here from Canada. Well I called than she talk really nice and smooth so than she didn't go back to her house in india because she has to go for the Medical for the Immigration.Now she went didn't tell me that she has gone for the medical and she went for the medical than I decided to talk to her friends and relatives to find out about this girl her caracter and behaviour her father was living aboard.So I talk to her friends that I don't even know them about her and I found out that she use to run away from the house before the marriage too
than I found out that she has ran away from the house to banglore with some body for a week or so.
Than I cancel the Immigration and withdraw my undertaking Because In Canada the process of Immigration is very fast for the married couples.
Than they start making the excuses that she is in depresion and upset so their parents take her to the doctor and physcologist that she has been mentaly tourchered by me........Ok than I told her parents that I will come to India and we will talk in front of all the relatives than when I went to india she ran away from the house Now I get really frustrated and upset and their relatives no body came to see me Now I had no Choice I filed the Divorce and I send my Power of Attorney to My lawyer for this Case. Now thier relatives are playing a game with me to get some money out of me and the lawyer It took about 8 to 9 months after the divorce she didnot appear in the court after five hearing Now I was feeling normal like as ususal and I dicided to take the charge I had enough with this mess. Their parents were thinking that they will make me come back to india and they can put charges against me for tourchring their daughter If I was tourchring her why she didn't tell my parents when she lived with her for two months after the marriage and all the nice letters she wrote whats up with those..any way after 9 Months she didn't appear in the court So I Decided to put her picture in the news paper and the T.V So thats what I did Now their parents jump that we insult her than they filed the law sue against me for 5 lakh rupees because I put her pic in the paper and T.V. So and of the story is that the Canadian society wins the battle of cattle I think boy or girl when ever they get married you can tell with in the first 5 or six weeks that its gonna work when you give somebody a respect and don't wanna take the respect it means something is not right up to now their parents think that the boy was inocent because her sister lives here in U.S she see me what kind of person I am she ask people about me what kind of Character I have.So My point is be careful when u go to india to find a partner I will suggest not a arrange but a well known arrange marriage means whom you know in india or your relatives but that girl or boy has been raised in front of their eyes or neighbour hood.........Try not to find too educated people same education as you have........
Good luck I might sound stupid in my views.........
good luck ......

By kapil on Friday, July 07, 2000 - 12:03 am:

Hello all,
I would like to know from any quarter if one gets a Divorce in US and the spouse lives in India , then what is the legal situation with respect to the Indian Court does it accept the verdict of the US court, or the verdict is void if the marriage took place on indian soil.
(kashyapkapil@netscape.net)

Kapil

By s on Thursday, September 07, 2000 - 09:20 am:

for people who get into trouble after "arranged" marriages, without getting to know the partner before hand, they deserve it.

C'mon guys learn to live in the 21st century! I can't understand people come here and still want to live the same primitive, backward, boorish lifestyle they live in india

By sameer on Wednesday, October 04, 2000 - 01:16 pm:

hello miss or mr.S or whoever you are,you are a sad person.If you have the guts to reveal yourself,then you are open to this discussion further.

By sameer on Wednesday, October 04, 2000 - 01:20 pm:

PPL!! Justice at last! My wife has been arrested in Los Angeles for theft and fraud. Finally, after a year of despair, there seems a way for some justice.I am charging her for fraudulent marriage.

By ajay on Friday, October 06, 2000 - 09:49 am:

Hi Sameer and other guys out there,
This is really interesting because i am in the same problem , i cant belive that there are so many cases. The exact "modus operandi" is followed in most cases.

Arranged Marriage -
I had an arranged marriage

Enquiry about moving to US -
She asked me several times and also pestered me to get a job with a US based company

Creating Problem -
I got the job, told her i want to set up the place before calling her to US , and will do so in a month or two, she started behaving differently and one day she went to her parents place and refused to come back.

Filing wrong case - She filed a case stating that i and my family had taken dowry or 10 lakhs and had been ill treating her Now she has asked for monthly maintainance of 40,000 rupees

When i talked to her and her relatives it turned out that they had been after the money all the while.

So , i am in the same situation , she left me after 4 months and now my family has to go to court and suffer for no fault of theirs.

I would like some help , in how to deal with the situation

1. Can i get a divorce from the US and if so what are the steps and consequences
2. How can i help to stop this from hapening to others ( I think sameer was talking about a website)

By Anonymous on Friday, October 13, 2000 - 08:37 am:

Ajay,

You should get an annulment and not a divorce. Annulment is as though you were never married in the first place. You can get that if you can prove that the marriage was a fraud. It may help if this is done quickly, right after marriage.

By Curious on Monday, October 16, 2000 - 01:10 pm:

Is there any concept of annulment under Hindu law? I don't think so.

By sarah on Monday, October 23, 2000 - 02:02 pm:

s is right on the money...love your message!

By Farial on Tuesday, October 24, 2000 - 01:32 am:

Sameer,
I'm Ritu's friend farial.I read your story just now,very happy to know that your x-wife is arrested atlast.May God bless you!I think u r a nice guy and god heips who are being nice and kind hearted people.
o.k. bye

By Ajay on Wednesday, October 25, 2000 - 06:34 am:

Sameer,
Good to know that you are getting justice at last , this gives me hope, and thanks for your support

Anonymous,
There is a minimum period of seperation before i can apply for annulment of marriage but this is usually a year or so.

There has been another development , her family have asked for 8 lakhs in return for divorce, ( Its ironical , when i did not take any dowry they accused me of taking it and now it seems like i will have to give "dowry" to them!!! ) seems that all they are interested in is money, i sometimes feel that let me give the money , atleast my family will not have to suffer,
I have been thinking about this and one thing that troubles me is that by giving money i will be helping them get what they want and this may encourage other people of such mindset.

I am a little confused now on the next step. I guess i will wait for a few days and think it over.
Anyway, thanks for your response ,

Ajay

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By vasant on Monday, February 05, 2001 - 11:27 pm:

hello sameer
i read your story-and honestly i wonder -an educated guy like you -living in the US -lets emotions lead u to such a nightmare?Hey sorry I dont want to hurt your feelings -it was just my honest opinion -and dear friend-DAD AND MUM dont always know better!
Heres wishing you all the very best in life and in future .Hope you are able to meet and find someone who loves you enough to forget your pain and hurt.
REGARDS FROM AN INDIAN LIVING IN EUROPE

By Indira on Monday, February 26, 2001 - 03:00 pm:

Dear Sammer & Ajay
I 've been following your stories for quite sometime. I feel for you and your families. Please be strong through all this and learn to let it all go incase you become bitter and vengeful.These things happen for a reason.Every wrong turn we make inlife prepares us to make a right decision later on.It maybe that God is preparing you for honest, virtueos women so that when they come along you won't pass them by ,but will really appreciate them fully.I know that you are hurting right now and wish that you could have known things would turn out this way, but this is life and it's never easy.True you've both been "dealt a bad hand" so to speak but cautiously play your cards right and you will both walk away happy men. Also, keep intouch with your families , they know whats going on and will be able to encourage you when you feel down and out. take this as an oppertunity to create a stronger bond with your families -you can get out of this together and you will all be happier in the end.Rember nothing evil lasts forever, so this too shall pass.Best wishes to you both and keep us posted on further developments.

By hopeless romantic on Thursday, April 19, 2001 - 05:18 pm:

Sameer,

I suggest you DONT opt for an arranged marriage again, though i perfectly understand what parental pressures can be like. It happened to me once when i was asked to meet a guy, thankgod i said no, decided to get out of the city otherwise this would have continued and finally i met my soulmate and Im now happily married to him, despite the fact that he's from S India and Im from the north, we worked it out for our parents and now have been married for 6 years....incidently my parents adore him.

Dont make that mistake again, open your mind not every women is like her, go out and date as many as you can, belive me you will find the one for you.
All the best.

By bold on Tuesday, May 01, 2001 - 11:29 am:

i m new to this site but our family is suffering like sameer.we r trying to get out of it.then i will write.

By Anand on Saturday, June 16, 2001 - 06:21 am:

I am in a situation very similar to that of Sammer and Ajay. I met a lady in India, brought her here on a fiancee visa, and married her. She was very cold, distant and hostile towards me after she came here. She rarely slept with me. She kept calling a man back in India and said that he was just a friend. After a few months,I came across some loveletters from him to her, where their affair, and plans to be together again, became obvious. She lied about all this, and said I was mentally ill. After one year, I filed for divorce. And now, the standard m.o.--she and her entire family accuse me of rape, battery, abuse, drug abuse, adultery, and mental illness. And they plan to use testimony from therapists about the oppressive nature of Indian society to back up their story and pressure me and the court into an outrageous divorce settlement. Any ideas on how to combat them?

By Indira on Wednesday, July 11, 2001 - 04:19 am:

Anand
did u make copies of the love letters u found?-coz u can use them as evidence of false intentions/fraudulent marriage.if not it's o.k. u may need to get a good lawyer to fight on your behalf the sooner u get one the better coz then u can stop the harrassment. best wishes.