| By Maria Robinson on Tuesday, April 27, 1999 - 08:34 am: |
Can anyone tell me what the divorce rate in India is?
I need this information for a report I am writing.
You can e-mail it to me at: gonefishing19@hotmail.com.
Thanks.
| By Bhima Patel on Sunday, May 09, 1999 - 06:34 am: |
Princess,
I quoted you on this:
"For me if a marriage is falling apart and people are getting hurt emotionally and physically there is no shame for a person taking a stand against it and walking away"
If a marriage is not working and there is no children involved then maybe it can impose the least possible pain through divorce(however much I hate the thought of it, but if there are children involved then it is not up to the parent themselves to only think of their situation. why make children into semi-bastards?
I thank the my luck at not being like many of classmates and associates that have had divorced parents. Many of them have many problems probably due to the divorce. I am glad I have parents that were a normal Hindu family. I cannot imagine, like many on this board, how the situation would have been if my parents had been divorced.
| By Princess on Monday, May 10, 1999 - 03:35 am: |
Bhima,
I empathize and do understand your view and respect it however I have news for you my friend. If you haven't visited the Children of Divorce boards I suggest you do so. My parents are divorced and been so for 19 years now. I'm 27 and I have a 20 year old brother so you can imagine our age at the time. It's was a lot of hell for me for a long time and it's only now that I am closer to my parents.
However let me tell you that not a day passes that I'm glad they aren't together. They were not only wrong for eachother but hurting eachother emotionally and physically, well my father was. They didn't have a choice then but to part and unfortunately it hurt me and my brother. But I'm glad that it was a hurt in one shot rather then having to endure through their bad marriage for years and years and turn up all fucked up myself because my parents had a terrible marriage.
| By Sonora on Saturday, May 29, 1999 - 06:24 pm: |
Friends.
I am very interested to hear several opinions of people to tell me what they believe the situation could be if in this world were available the option of marrige under short-term contract, I mean, like employers sign a contract to hire employees for a determinated period of time.. This could be an idea: the couple goes to sign their marriage before a judge and they make a commitment to be together for 3 years under certain terms... at the end of that time if they want to keep together they renew their contract... please think of the consequences of this.. what could happen, why you like or dislike this crazy idea... Your opinon is deeply important to me because I am willing to use it for a school work I am dealing with. Thank you so much! Sonora. Ps.- Refer to this as a "Temporary Marriage"
| By Princess on Saturday, May 29, 1999 - 09:13 pm: |
Sonora,
By talking about a contract we would be insulting the holy institution of marriage. Marriage is based in my eyes on love, commitment and forever. That's the whole point. In Hinduism you are married to your husband not just forever but for eternity. That means in the past and in the future lives you are to be together as partners.
My making a contract out of marriage you are making it a relationship no different then a job. A job is cold, selfish, calculated and there are no emotions involved in it. We cannot compare being an employee to being a spouse simple. They are two different roles that shouldn't be disrespected and considered the same.
Secondly in Indian culture we get married to make it work and be together forever. After marriage a person is considered incomplete especially a woman. To enter a arrangement where she would be left without a husband is inviting stigma from society and being called a whore. Because basically that is what it comes down to. By contracting yourself you are compromising your morality and convincing yourself that you aren't good enough for something in the long run. By entering something so obviously serious as marriage trivially the person would be ridiculing marriage and hence in my eyes no different then a prostitute.
| By Bhima Patel on Monday, June 07, 1999 - 12:54 pm: |
Hello Sonora,
Go for the contract. If you are living in a western country, then marriage can screw you up alot if you marry someone who ain't committed to the marriage. Even if the person is Hindu or Indian it ain't insurance on commitment. You are living in a society that doesn't really give a rats ass for marriage or the family.
I know if a divorce occurs you could lose alot emotionally. But why also lose out financially.
If someone is going to take you down, you take them down with you.
| By WASP on Wednesday, July 28, 1999 - 09:57 am: |
BIHMA PATAL,
THAT IS THE SADDEST CRAP I HAVE EVER SEEN A MAN WRITE ON A MARRIAGE FORUM. PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR DESTRUCTIVE VIEWS ON MARRIAGE. I AM WHITE, AND EVEN I KNOW BETTER THAN WHAT YOU HAVE JUST WRITTEN. AS A CHRISTIAN, I KNOW THAT I SHOULD EITHER MARRY A WOMAN OF HIGH MORAL CHARACTER, GOOD CHRISTIANITY, COMMITTED, OR NOT MARRY AT ALL. IT IS AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
| By Editor on Wednesday, August 18, 1999 - 03:34 pm: |
A few messages related to pre marriage sex etc. started by Deepak are moved to pages on sexuality/virginity etc.
To: Bhavna
You posted 3 messages soliciting. Please note that you are not supposed to post advertising on the discussion pages. We remove such ads and if someone insists we complain to their net provider. The purpose of these boards is to discuss ISSUES etc. NOT find a spouse or date.
You are most welcome to start a discussion on your divorce situation however.
| By Vishal on Monday, August 23, 1999 - 04:19 am: |
Hi,
I am narrating my siter's experience after her
failed marriage.
It is very difficult sometimes to keep yourself cool. I have seem my sister graudually withdrawing herself from the world and I do not
what should be done in order to bring hapiness back in her life.
Vishal Singh
| By Princess on Monday, August 23, 1999 - 07:04 am: |
Vishal,
Can you tell us a bit more details about what you are talking with your sister.
People do change after marriage in some form or another towards their family. I just want to understand what you are defining as unhappiness and withdrawn.
| By Vishal on Tuesday, August 24, 1999 - 03:39 am: |
Hi,
It is when I compare her before marriage
and after marriage , I see defnitely a lack of enthusiasm and she is more withdrawn to people.
I want to say her that she should try to mix with
people and take life in a new way, but some
how I am not able to communicate that to her.
I also want her to marry once again,
but again I find it difficult to convey to her.
she is 29 and I do want that she should take
life in a positive way.
Vishal Singh
| By Princess on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 - 01:08 am: |
Vishal,
Understand that your sister is withdrawn after marriage but I don't understand why. Secondly you want your already married sister to marry again? That's a big thing....why?
| By Thought on Sunday, September 12, 1999 - 05:27 pm: |
What is Love ? If you are burnt once, one becomes even more cautious..and struggle to define love..Is it really the spark that all of us had hoped for ? Is it really the excitement to get to know the person..and a slow process ? Is it really to start taking care of someone ? What is it ?
| By Jimmy on Tuesday, November 23, 1999 - 11:12 pm: |
To Thought, " Love " is very deep word, it has lots of definations, Love is caring about someone in good or bad forever, it is honesty, something more pure than anything else on this univrse, love is understanding,
love is a complete satisfaction of being with that person. There are different kind of love, love between spouse, brothers, parents etc.
In our socity today, there are very few people who understands the true meaning of love.
Love starts from a Husband and Wife then they have kids and it grows. But in our society today the root of love is not strong enough. The love between Hub & Wife is suppose to be strongest but it is the weakest instead. I dont blame anyone but our society.
I am sorry you were burnt once, we all have experienced such sad experience.
They say " Love is God". I do agree with them, love is as difficult to find as God.
We all hope that we will one day, but the way this society is, it will just be a Hope.
| By Neethu on Thursday, February 10, 2000 - 01:22 pm: |
I am divorcee/ 38 yrs old with two chidren of age 14 and 11.Now I am feeling lonelyness and I want a life partner. But I am afried of the bad experience of my past life. Can you help me in any way? From where I can select a suitable partner.
| By Princess on Saturday, February 12, 2000 - 11:30 pm: |
Neethu,
I can empathize with you and assure you that you aren't alone. There are a lot of people like you out there and you have to just try and tap into those resources.
Why not start with asking your family and friends to help you out in meeting someone. You can also advertise in a lot of sites on the web aswell as local papers to meet someone.
Join activities or groups that interest you and where you would potentially want to meet someone. The worse thing you could do is nothing about your need for a companion. So get out there and look for him and good luck to you.
| By zainab on Thursday, April 20, 2000 - 11:24 pm: |
hi,
i've been seeking help for sometime,even here,i'm 26 and a doctor and was married 5 yrs back to someone in family friends,it was an arranged one but it lasted only 2 months,i was abused and torturerd ,tried to commit suicide but failed,anyways i got a divorce,my parents are looking again for some eligible person for me,i'm not working these days and i don't think that my parents will let me work,in other words i'm dependent on them,it's not that i don't love them,but i know something which makes me depressed whenever i find out that they are looking for me,my brother told me once that my father knew about the person's bad habbits before my marriage but he said that he doesn't mind them,i was shocked when i found out,i had always believed that all of us were kept in dark regarding that person,but i guess thats not the story,i'm depressed most of the times,i get nightmares very often ,things like somebody hurting me or my family,i usually getup very upset ,it's been 5 yrs since the divorce but i still feel so frightened.i've started taking antidepressants recently but i think as long as my problem stands these drugs might not help.
even now i'm not sure what i'm asking for,i don't ask for sympathy,i just want to know will i ever be able to trust anybody when i don't trust my own father??i ask this question very often and always get the same asnwer,i'e' NO
my trust is shattered ,i've started to think that all men are selfish and selfcentered,and no matter how much i try to convince myself,i just don't give in,i'm really worried for myself,coz i know that in my future relationship this thing might make my life miserable
plzz help!!!
| By Princess on Saturday, April 22, 2000 - 01:00 am: |
Zainab,
The best thing you can do to empower yourself and free yourself of your past and all these negative forces in your life to move forward...
GET A JOB!!!
You will be amazed how much having a job to keep yourself busy, put money in your pocket and some dignity in your head will do to help you.
It might sound harsh and I don't mean to trivilaize your pain or minimize what you've been through which I'm sure was horrible but it's been 5 years. Get over it, move on and look ahead. Stop dwelling on the past, wallowing in misery and snap out of it. You are swimming in self pity and you need to get out of that mindset.
A idle mind is a devils playground!!!
Getting a job will free you of this depenency that is so detrimental for you mentally. Don't you realize that? You went from depending on your selfish father who married you off to an ass who beat you to depending on the ass back to depending on the father who will probably marry you off to the next idiot who wants to marry you not caring whether he will beat you or not! Don't you see it?
| By Editor on Saturday, April 22, 2000 - 02:05 am: |
Hi Princess
Long time not heard from you. Welcome back! We have received many letters asking where have you been? Well It is good to see you here. Hope all is well with you and family. Have a good weekend.
H
| By Susan on Saturday, April 22, 2000 - 03:08 am: |
Zainab,
I'm sorry for all you've been through. I'd like to tell you that yes, there are some good men out there. Please don't judge all men by what your father and ex-husband have done to you.
I think Princess' advice is good - get back out into the work place. You need to be around others, make new friends, find someone you can confide in and talk to about what has happened in your life.
You're a doctor - you know that those antidepressants are okay if used wisely, but they aren't the solution to your problem.
One day you might meet "Mr. Right" - someone that you can care for and depend on - but use your own judgement and don't rely on your father to do the chosing for you. And be cautious, but give the guy a break - don't think he's going to be just like your ex-husband. Find out who he is and give him a chance.
Best of luck to you.
| By zainab on Saturday, April 22, 2000 - 09:28 am: |
i have been thinking about getting a job since a long time but in this part of the world where i live,decisions are to be made by the male members of the family an di don't think that they'll let me work,anyways i've been trying to do post graduation but flunked in my exam twice,maybe if i pass this exam i have a chance,i'm studying again but this time i've lost my concentration,i sit for hrs without even studying a single topic,thinking nothing in particular.i know antidepressants won't help as long as my environment stays the same.i try to think myself out of it but just seem to be getting more deep down.i have friends but they are not in this city ,i do contact them through mail ,but it's not helping me a lot.
i know i'm stupid in not forgetting what happened 5 yrs back but then what i dread most is that it might happen again.i know i'm stupid in thinking this way but then i'm sure anyone would if put in my shoes,but with me this thing has lingered painfully long and i can't get rid of it.
i don't know but i think ,i think myself into depresssion,it's these negative thoughts about everybody related to be that i've stopped trusting EVERYBODY,i want my trust back but i'm afraid that this time if i loose it ,it'll be even more painful for me,i might not survive it this time.
| By yasmeen on Saturday, April 22, 2000 - 03:25 pm: |
zainab - you have a beautiful name.
i agree with princess and susan. However its very easy to give sound and rational advice but its hard when its YOU who has been affected. I have not been in your shoes so i cant say that i understand the pain, anguish and suffering that you have gone through although i will say this - you chose a profession which was to serve others and you surely did not go through years of med school to end up being a patient taking antidepressants ? NO its not your fault at all about the divorce and though you may not have had any control over the situation or circumstances you do have control over how and in what way you react to and deal with problems that come your way. Dont let all those years of study go to waste, pass the exam and do well and reenter the workforce. I empathise with you because im a medsci major as well and im trying to do grad med.
Sometimes events in our life cause us to lose our trust in others but more importantly never lose trust in yourself. You have a wealth of potential within you that you will never unlock if you doubt yourself and never give yourself a chance. There will always be people out there who will break your trust thats just life im afraid but then just as many as there are who do break it there will be others whom you can learn to trust with time. Learning to trust someone can be like a two edged sword so you have to be careful about whom you give your trust to.
I too used to go through a stage when i absolutely loathed all men based on previous relationships and the pain that i suffered when with them. However i have learned that generalising all males based on a few rotten specimens is not fair. Furthermore it may blind you to finding the person that you are perfectly suited to and especially understands and cherishes you.
Have you thought about moving away from your father if you feel so strongly about him ? However before you can do that you need to be financially independent so getting a job is the only means of mental, emotional and financial freedom. And think about it this way your ex husband whom you divorced would be so happy about your state right now, do you really want to give him the opportunity to gloat over what he has done to you almost 5 years ago ? Perhaps he may have even tried to use your depression as a stigma against you saying that it was because of your depression that he divorced you in the first place. And people who see you ( even now ) might start to believe whatever story he concocts. Let the past be the past and move on - pick up the pieces and build your life anew.
Dont be another statistic of an failed marriage. Zainab think about what ive said and if you ever want to contact me ive given my email address. take care
| By Dexter on Sunday, April 23, 2000 - 12:07 am: |
Hello Zainab,
I was reading your comments and I want to say just keeping on striving. Here's one guy who doesn't follow that type of abusive mindset. Susan and the other ladies are right. You've come too far just to give up on your studies. Success is the greatest revenge. Life gets better when you get better, and one of the things that you must focus on is that upcoming exam. That will be a step in the right direction. If you still have any supportive friends, stick with them as long as they support you and your endeavors. Never, never ever give up!
| By zainab on Sunday, April 23, 2000 - 09:18 am: |
thanks dexter,yasmeen,susan and princess for all the encouragement.i know i have to stop thinking like this and not give up,when i look back i see how i completed my med college ,i was in 2nd yr when all this happened and completed my studies afterwards but i think that it was maybe coz of my friends that i kept my depression under control and lingered on,the reason why i can't concentrate is that evey now and then i hear my dad trying to find someone for me and that scares me ,what if he makes the same mistake before.,he's really not interested in what i'm doing ,i mean my exams but i know that it's normal for all fathers in east whose upmost concern is getting their daughters settled.my mom is a very sick lady and she got worse after all this delimma of mine,,,sometimes i blame myself for her bad health.
i don't know but those of u who live in countries like india and pakistan might be knowing that it's not that simple leaving your parents if u r single and especially a female,our society just doesn't accept this,the safest place for an unmarried girl here is her fathers house.it's a very filthy society,i can't even imagine of going out on my own.yes i know i should study seriously ,well i'm trying my best ,but i think i just have to put in a little more effort.
u know sometimes i look at myself and find myself so helpless,there was a time when i was so enthusiastic,but life has drained every bit of it from me.taking antidepressants inself is v depressing,my brother and friend thinks that it might help so i tried but i know untill unless i help myself,no other thing will help.but i do pray to GOD that no other female goes through what i've been through .i hope this mental delimma ends soon.
| By Susan on Sunday, April 23, 2000 - 09:59 pm: |
Zainab,
You've got people here who want to help and will listen non-judgementally to what you're going through. Please don't think that you're alone.
And from you're earlier post, please don't think that you are stupid. You're not. You come across in your posts as an intelligent woman who has been hurt very badly.
I'm an American woman and I can't say that I know exactly what you're going through in that you're unable to leave your parents now, but I can sympathise that it's very hard emotionally when you feel you have nowhere else to go.
I hope you'll keep in contact with us and let us try to help you through this very hard time in your life. We do care. Please try to stay strong and let the hurt begin to heal so that you can have a happier future.
| By zainab on Monday, April 24, 2000 - 09:14 pm: |
you know the worst part of life is when you come to understand every bitterness in it thouroughly,anyways,right now i have a problem.i've written before too that i've stopped trusting men ,and something has happened which is making me more nervous.my brother was here from states,he is a md there and is doing his resedency ,he was here on a short leave,he suggested to my father that i should go to states with him after say a yr or so,my dad liked the idea and everybody is telling me now that i'll be going too,my problem is that i don't know whether to trust them or not,i don['t want to trust them blindly and then get hurt again,it was only initially that my dad had showed interest but now both my brother and dad seem to have forgotton that topic,i wonder if they said it to make me happy so that i start feeling good,i know my dad and i think it's really hard to convince him on such a thing,i don't know whether i should trust them or not.in the beginning my brother was saying that all the things might be settles in a few months and then i can come,the very next day he said that it'll be next yr and then after that nothing atall,i know thay play games but i don't want to suffer again ,and then sometimes i think that maybe they r really serious and it;s just my dum negative thinking that makes me think like this.but i know i cannot trust them!!i keep on thinking that they maybe planning somehting behind all this.what do u say,should i give them another chance ??but i'm afraid that i might get hurt again.
| By zainab on Monday, April 24, 2000 - 09:23 pm: |
my e-mail add is megryan@doctor.com
anybody who wishes to contact me please do
| By Standing on Monday, April 24, 2000 - 09:32 pm: |
Zainab,
It sounds like you have limited control of your life right now; and that it is really frustrating to you. I'm not sure trust is really the issue as far as the States go, because you're not sure you've got a commitment yet from your brother. If that's want you want, can you talk to your brother? It might be helpful for you to develop your own action plan (and not share it with your family). You might be able, for example, to explore job options here in the States via H1B. If not, you might want to look for other resources--women's groups, etc. that can provide you with leads or support. I'm not sure how tough it would be in terms of family to get a job, but it would definitely give you some independence and feeling of self worth. I take it you are not in a major city there.
| By zainab on Tuesday, April 25, 2000 - 10:56 pm: |
yes it's a small town near delhi,india ,i have written a letter to my brother,but he hasn't answered back yet,lets see what he has to say,definitely he's the only one i can i'm counting on right now.
| By icansmellit on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 11:27 pm: |
Dear Zainab,
A failed suicide attempt? Yeah whatever. How could one fail at suicide. Your story is so fake. The people who responded to your 'story' are kamle.
| By Anonymous on Thursday, April 27, 2000 - 12:48 am: |
People fail at attempting suicide all the time. What's wrong with you?
| By zainab on Thursday, April 27, 2000 - 10:35 am: |
i don't kow how to answer you icanswellit,i really don't ,and i pray to GOD that he put no one in a condition like mine.i wish every soul on this earth is happy and at peace .i wish i could find my peace somewhere too.i don't have to prove it to anybody whether my problem is real or not,coz at heart i know whats the truth and what i'm asking is just help.
| By dulki_atma on Friday, August 04, 2000 - 07:55 pm: |
Hi Everybody,
There are lot of stories of men abusing and ill-treating women but a reverse trend has started in India thanks to the new dowry act which is being misused blatantly by women and their patents to victimise young men.
I am not yet a divorced person, but would be so in a year or two(thanks to the Indian divorce laws).
My wife left me after 2 days of marriage and refused to come back till she gets a US visa(I am an NRI). Her visa app got rejected due to some technicality.
They filed a false case against us that we are demanding dowry and the Police started harassing us. Now I can't even leave the country to resume my duties.
My question is, where should men like me go who are being victimesd and ill-trated by women who marry just to immigrate to the western countries.
Dukhi Atma
| By Anonymous on Sunday, October 08, 2000 - 09:39 pm: |
VISHAL,I MUST COMMEND YOU FOR BEING SUCH A WONDERFUL BROTHER.YOUR SISTER`S EXPERIENCE IS A SAD ONE,IWISH HER THE BEST.PLEASE CONTINUE TO BE THERE FOR HER.
| By praveen on Friday, November 03, 2000 - 02:45 am: |
Aree bhai dukhi atma , saree gam ko mita doo aur khush raho ....
duniya phir bhi haseen hai ....