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| By Anonymous on Thursday, October 14, 1999 - 07:17 pm: |
I have been having an affair with an Indian doctor for the past eighteen years. I have been pregnant twice by him. Each time he has had me to have abortions. He told me that he loved me more than his wife, and wanted to marry me.
I am unsure about what to do at this point. He initiated the affair, demanded the affair. Please advise.
| By Sincerely... on Thursday, October 14, 1999 - 09:14 pm: |
Hi Anonymous,
Look at this no differently than if you were having an affair with someone of a different race. There is no difference at all. People are all alike in these situations. Are you a patient of this Doctor? If you are or that is how it started, that should put a big red flag out for you. This has been going on for eighteen years with no conclusion in sight. He's made you have 2 abortions. If he loved you as much as he says, I doubt he would have wanted to terminate the children of his union with the woman he claims to love more than his wife. These situations are very sad & I hope you can find the love you really deserve & walk away from this false imitation of love this Doctor is giving you.
Wishing You The Best,
Sincerely...
| By Reality on Thursday, October 14, 1999 - 11:15 pm: |
First of all, since he is a doctore (not a God)...does not give him moral and ethical immunity. He should be held responsible for his actions. He has the money, power and education to know better than to act WRONGFULLY. If this infact did occur... no one should sit back and be quiet or take it like a stupid person.
18yrs. Hummm...????
| By Princess on Friday, October 15, 1999 - 05:45 am: |
18 years?
I don't know....all the pebbles don't add up.
Can you tell us more about the relationship, dynamics and I'm sorry, but the reason why you continued? what are your reasons, weaknesses? I'm sorry but love is so overrated and misused of a word it's hard to believe that someone will continue for 18 years to be with a man who is not only doing wrong by her but another woman!
| By discusted on Friday, October 15, 1999 - 01:25 pm: |
Hi
I just want to tell you guys a story of the corrupted court system in India.
A U.S. citizen Indian man was married to an Indian women for 8 years. They have a 7 year old son. The man did not like his wife at all from the begining but he still managed to get her pregnant and ruin her life. After marriage he came back to U.S. and never gave a damn about the pregnant wife he left behind.
He went back to India after seven years and asked her for divorce. The wife refused to give him a divorce because she was thinking of her child's future.
The man just rented a wife and made her swear in front of the court that she was his wife. So this way he got himself a divorce.
I tell you this can only happen in India!!
| By Anonymous on Friday, October 15, 1999 - 06:37 pm: |
Dear Princess:
I am well educated, although I realize that continuing with someone for 18 years is ridiculous.
I have tried to end this, but he becomes extremely upset and sad when there is a separation. I feel the same way. I became involved with him before I realized he was married. He told me he is very unhappy with her, that she is not physically appealing to him, that she does not please him sexually. He wants to stay with her for appearances. I know that I am very weak for continuing to stay with him. If I mention trying to see someone else and having a normal life, he becomes distraught. How can I get the strength to
leave him. He tells me that I am his, and that we
are made for each other. Please help.
| By Princess on Friday, October 15, 1999 - 07:08 pm: |
Anonymous,
You will get away from him when you chose to make that choice and when you truly want to. If you didn't know he was married when you met him why didn't you just leave him after you found out? The way I see it you are in "love" with a man who is/has....
a. married to someone else and cheating on her. Is laying terrible precedence for his children.
b. married for a superficial reason as appearance which should tell you that you aren't good enough for him to make an appearance with! And honey if you believe that he's not having sex with her you are extremely nieve. He'll tell you anything he wants to get into your pants but the truth of the matter is that he's got two pants to get into.
c. conned you into being his slave for 18 years and prevented you from having a life and dreams.
d. having his cake and eating it too and you are the perpetuater of the crime.
e. keeing around a mistress who is you while cheating on his wife and cheating on you while being with her.
Free and liberate yourself if you are educated and not dependent on him financially. Pick up and move out of the freaking city if you have to. Yeah you'll miss him, I'm sure he'll miss you too. That's life. If he gets made or distraut let him. Should you care when he hasn't for 18 years? How distraut will he get if he's putting up an appearance?
I'm sorry for being harsh with you but I just cannot understand. How old are you? What do you do? I mean how do you subject yourself to that? And please don't bring love into this discussion.
| By Anonymous on Friday, October 15, 1999 - 11:06 pm: |
Thank you Princess.
You are telling me what I already know. Everything you said is true. I have never talked with anyone about this. This has been a closely guarded secret. Your harshness is appropriate and helpful.
| By Princess on Friday, October 15, 1999 - 11:22 pm: |
Anonymous,
I apologize if it hurt you. That was not my intention. Sometimes we are so bogged down with what's at hand we ignore the obvious and need a jolt to see it. If it helps you any, there are a lot of women like you out there who have in the name of love suffered. It's not right and you deserve better. I don't care what your background is or who you are, that is your birthright. Help yourself before you end up a lonely and bitter woman who could have done something about it.
| By Bhima Patel on Tuesday, October 19, 1999 - 05:27 am: |
Annonymous, (response to your post 15 oct.)
The guy is a •••••••. he has been cheating on his wife for 18 years and she must be sexually unfufilled. Leave the •••••••.
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 19, 1999 - 04:21 pm: |
To Princess and Bhima Patel
Thank you for your advise. I wish to thank Princess especially. I just needed a jolt. I plan to move away to Texas. I currently have interviews lined up. I want to make this move within the next four weeks.
As I stated in one of my messages, due to the need to be private, I never discussed this with anyone.
I needed a jolt. I am a decent person. This is the only man that I have ever been with (had sexual relations with). I met him when I just started college. I want you all to know that I never asked him once to leave his wife. I never knew that he had a wife until I was too deeply involved in the relationship. It was never my intent to hurt anyone. I only hope that she never finds out. That is my prayer for her.
Thank you all for your support. I would never have had the courage to get out of this indecent, pathetic relationship without your direction. Thanks again.
| By Princess on Tuesday, October 19, 1999 - 05:34 pm: |
Anonymous,
I'm glad you've made a decision that will help you in the long run. Do keep posting and come on here for support if you have to and keep us posted on what's happening. I wish you all the best.
| By Wide Awake Now on Tuesday, October 19, 1999 - 10:21 pm: |
Akala,
I live in Sunny California. It's Tuesday 2:50 PM PST here:)I would like to share with you what I have read in many many books on relationships and divorce written by subject matter experts. Here are the basics.
If you take a good look at your life, think about the following. Was there any point in time in your marriage where you were truly happy ? if your answer is "never", then have you tried everything humanly possible to make each other happy ? if your answer is "yes" and you are unhappy, then as far as I am concerned, you are at an impasse and withour help you will be stuck doing the same thing for many more years to come. You may have some feelings for each other but you just don't have it in you to make each other happy or be happy for each other. If nothing, the counseling will help you learn something about yourself and what does and doesn't work for you. I personally don't believe the counselor's nationality or ethnic origin makes a difference here. A good counselor will simply help you analyze your behavior and understand what makes you tick. BTW, all the books I have read are from non-Indian subject matter experts.
If your answer to the very first question is "yes, we were happy at some point in the marriage", then think about how long it lasted(days, months, years). If it lasted a considerable amount of time, then this is perhaps the happiest you will ever be. For all practical purposes if you and your spouse were to get counseling or work on your marriage, this is the state that is realistically achievable. If you can settle for that and don't expect anything more, then go for it. However, if either of you want anything more, then you are asking for something that doesn't come for free. This is where compromises come into play. If you (or your spouse) can compromise and be happy about it, you have a chance. You do need to be aware that the compromise you need to make will be for the long run, not just a one-time thing. We all know our strengths and limitations so this is where you have to be true to yourself.
Other things you need to think about are these. What was it that attracted you to your spouse in the first place and vice versa. what is it that is driving you away from each other now ? If you can truthfully answer these questions, you can salvage your relationship. Another important thing you need to think about is this. Many couples think that things will get better if they have a child. They make desparate decisions because they have already spent many years trying to make things work and then there is the biological clock thing, the pressure from the families thing, etc. I have been there and done that. Although our son is the best thing that ever came out of this marriage, I am painfully aware that we are not the best parents he deserves.
Finally, in my case, there was never any love lost in all these many years. After a long, loveless marriage, I feel like I finally received my wake up call. My heart goes out to anyone that is enduring a loveless marriage so my advise is that you both sit down and have an honest discussion. If you conclude that you don't love each other, then just walk away. Somethings are just not meant to be. Good luck.
| By Maggie on Tuesday, October 19, 1999 - 11:41 pm: |
Anonymous,
We women are far too emotional for our own good. We see the writing on the wall but refuse to "see" it. We know we should get away from guys that are not worth our time but we hang on. Consider yourself lucky. Dump him and let him know what he did to you in no uncertain terms. This is one part of getting closure for yourself. This doesn't excuse you from lingering on as the "other woman" for so long so if you are up to it, apologize to his wife. You can never give her back what you took from her but your apology will bring you the other part of closure. It is better late than never.
You've had your wake up call. Don't ever look back. Good luck to you.
| By Maggie on Tuesday, October 19, 1999 - 11:52 pm: |
Anonymous,
I forgot to add in my previous message why you should apologize to this guys wife. You had indicated that you hope that she'll never find out. why not ? if this guy is/was also sleeping with a few other women, may be you don't know. what if he gives her an STD ? what if one of the other women becomes pregnant and refuses to have an abortion ? do you want the poor woman to find out when the other woman files a paternity suit ? You sound like you still have a lot of feelings for him but please think about his poor wife. what did she do to deserve all this ? I sincerely hope that she finds out and takes him to the cleaners. He doesn't deserve her, you or any other women out there.
| By Bhima Patel on Wednesday, October 20, 1999 - 10:01 am: |
Wide awake now.
I read your post that was there earlier. You said that you got married 19 years ago and suddenly after 19 years of marriage you decide to leave your spouse. Wow you really awoke didn't you. Sleeping for 19 damned years. Then you go around telling others after you had your fun and get bored just leave. Wow such good advice. No wonder marriages in the west are in such a good state.
If you have kids wide awake now, it is even better advice, right? After all why not make your kids semi bastatd? Aranged marriage or not what the hell with 19 years of marriage and then bye bye.
"Wide awake now", I don't think so. More like it should be "EYES SHUT TIGHT"
| By See kwar on Wednesday, October 20, 1999 - 05:25 pm: |
Bhima
I always enjoy reading you posts:-)
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, October 20, 1999 - 09:39 pm: |
Bhima,
Since, you know sooo much...why not work on bigger better problems such as Poverty, Pollution, Dowry, Domestic violence in India. Just to name few...
| By Wide Awake Now on Thursday, October 21, 1999 - 01:57 am: |
Bhima Patel,
You are entitled to your opinion. Trust me, I don't give a damn what you have to say about me or what I did with 19 years of my life. I never ever said that what worked or didn't work for me applies to the entire world. The whole idea of a chat room is for people to come and share their experiences. Do you realize how judgmental you are ? and you have the nerve to get out your poison pen and lash out. Hmmmm.
| By Bhima Patel on Thursday, October 21, 1999 - 09:26 am: |
Annonymous,
Thats a good idea, but before I tackle this maybe you can give me a few billion dollars to tackle these problems. I think I can achieve some successful results.
| By Bhima Patel on Thursday, October 21, 1999 - 09:35 am: |
Wide awake now,(Eyes shut tight?)
I know I am entitled to my opinion. That is why I come to Hindustan.net to post. I also don't care what you think of what I say in my responses.
Technically this is not a chat room, it is a message board and I can post my judgemental opinions whenever and to whoever I want. At least that is what the site claims to be.
I know I am judgemental but facts are facts. It wasn't me that "shared their experiences", it was you.
To me, being raised as a average Hindu raised with Hindu values, I do not see why divorce can be seen as so acceptible.
I am by no means a fan of divorce, but if there are no children involved in a divorce I can agree with it. But when children are made semi-bast.ards and spouses get hurt like they do, something is very wrong.
So lash out with my keyboard I will!
PS 19 damned years!?!
| By Anonymous on Thursday, October 21, 1999 - 04:00 pm: |
Bhima,
Do you not read??? Why don't you look at another board where an Indian guy was having an affair for 10+ years. Go comment on that as well, since you are so willing to be judgemental.
| By Wide Awake Now on Thursday, October 21, 1999 - 07:34 pm: |
Bhima Patel,
What I said to Akala was very simple. (1) don't waste as much time as I did, yes the damned 19 years, in a loveless marriage. (2) don't bring a child into a loveless marriage. Why is this so difficult for you to understand ? I have tried to make my marriage work for 19 damned years and you have no idea how painful it has been. Even the worst criminals get out of jail after serving time. Imagine being married to a really cold, uncaring, unloving person who has nothing good to say about you or anyone else, has low moral values and thinks the world is out there to get him so shun contact with everyone including your parents and siblings. Imagine trying everything humanly possible to love that person for 19 damned years. Well, I happen to have an enormous amount of patience and believe in giving people a second chance a million times. This is why it took 19 damned years. I can't imagine why anyone wopuld conclude conclude that I had my fun and suddenly got bored after 19 years and decided to leave. Conclude what they may, all I can say is that I have absolutely no guilt. I am a very good parent to my child and in fact have been the only warm, caring, loving parent in this relationship. It would be insane to continue to expose him to this cold, uncaring, unloving person. You see, sometimes when children are involved divorce IS the better solution.
BTW, go back and read Akala's post. I was asked specifically by Akala to share my experiences and that's what I did. I did NOT ask you for your opinion or advice. You chose to insert yourself and your unsolicited opinions into the message board. If you have any advise and Akala cares to hear from you, that's the one you should be talking to. I don't expect you or anyone else to understand my situation and that's the reason I am NOT asking for anyone advice or opinion.
Akala,
I refuse to have any more dialogs with Bhima Patel. If he posts anything and I don't respond, it does not mean that I approve. I am simply choosing to ignore his unsolicited opinions. Hope to hear from you. Good luck.
| By Bhima Patel on Saturday, October 23, 1999 - 04:16 am: |
Annonymous,
I already called the guy that had an affair a dirty •••••••. Any guy who screws around like that is a •••••••.
What more do you want me to say?
| By Bhima Patel on Saturday, October 23, 1999 - 04:24 am: |
Wide awake, eyes shut?
It doesn't matter 19 years is 19 years and with a child its even worse. If it was going to end like this 19 years ago would have been so much better.
Well, welcome more children to the single mother parenthood. Also it may be better to divorce for the mother or father but the child has no say in divorce do they? It is up to the parents to decide.
Oh well its your life, in this society you are allowed to do what you want.
If some woman tried to do that to my children and make them semi-••••••• I don't think I will let that happen, law or no law, jail or no jail.
The thing I get most pissed about, is you saying sh.it like this is ok. Marry for nearly 20 years and then quit. This stuff isn't right. If have to divorce at least have the decency or intelligence to divorce before you have kids. Anyway if you want to be a typical Western liberal do what you want, but just because you want to justify it as right because you did it, doesn't mean its right.
| By moderator on Tuesday, November 30, 1999 - 09:38 pm: |
Messages related to Akala, Khan1 have been moved to
I Married An Incompatible Partner... Thinking of Divorce Need Help...
The new topic is self explanatory. Pl click on the link on top of the page.
A humble request to all participants
People who are really suffering in agony, feel very lonely. If someone posts his or her suffering please do not ridicule him/her, nor be insensitive.
Before writing any judgemental messages please understand the position of the poster and try to read between the lines. If you want to give advice and are not sure of the story, please ask questions, find out more before writing your final judgement.
Heavily critical messages only discourage the person in suffering so if you can be a little nicer in your approach it will help those really seek friendlier advice.
By sharing our pains, we actually gain strength and by offering an honest yet friendlier advice we actually reduce our own pain.
Best of luck to every one!
| By DesiGuy on Thursday, December 16, 1999 - 06:28 am: |
I am working on H1 visa in the US. I got married in January this year. We got married in about a week after meeting. My wife is from Goa. I felt assured and confident that things would be work out between us 'cause it did seem like that for both of us at that time. Actually it was also 'cause my neighbor who is like a sister to me knew my wife's family and she got us married. I came back to US and she followed me soon later on H4. I accepted her into my life after asking her a few things about her past life as well as told her about myself. After coming to the US I had lot of hopes and dreams, I set up my place nicely for her, but things did not go as planned for me. Two days after she lands here she tells me that her marriage was arranged with some guy couple-a- years ago and it did not work out 'cause he was not a decent character. She told me that we did not go out or anything, there was no sex involved, and that they were not engaged. Yet this guy slapped her for not paying for his stay in the hotel when he had come to Goa. To me this did not add quite right. How could a person say that they did not know each other well and yet get slapped. I disregarded this whole story and decided to let go. I told her look this happened before I met you and have nothing to say about. Then the very next day she tells me that she won't care if things don't really work out between us, but her parents would be disappointed. She also said that she married me as a compromise. The very first thought that came to my mind then is why did she marry me, but again I knew that we didn't really know each other so although harsh I ignored it. I come from Mumbai, a typical mumbaiyite, middle class family, with a sense of decency, not orthodox, yet conservative lifestyle. During one of our regular conversations she ended saying something like.. although not directed towards me "If my husband leaves I'll go marry someone else" now this did cause a lot of emotional upheaval for me. I did not understand why she said it. Yet again I ignored it. That very night she told me a whole lot of thinks, about her work at the hotel, all the people there, how the other girls who worked there went out with the guests, gave them company, and things like that. To me this was the beginning of a puzzle, specially 'cause she asked me what my reaction would be if she told me that she is not a virgin. I said that I am and expect that you are…atleast that is what was discussed before we got married and we had mutually answered this question. Then she went on to tell me that she has a whole lot of friends with whom she used to hang out with till 4:00 in the morning and once even got arrested for being out that late. Although I have disregarded these stories they did trouble me and once I even confronted her as to why she tells me these things. She says, she has nothing else to tell me and gets defensive and mad at me. My mother-in-law thinks she tells me 'cause she wants to confide in me, and even went to the extend of telling me that marriages work on trust…"So will it be okay if she does something with someone while you are at work". I do not know what I have gotten myself into. I am just loosing my peace of mind. I know I married this person with an open mind and yet both the daughter and mother are hell-bend on feeding my mind with garbage. I do not like to hear such things. Sexually, my relationship isn't all that great considering that my wife never really shows any interest in me. After I told her mom regarding her asking me about her virginity her mom's attitude totally changed.. now she says that her daughter doesn't know how to talk, which makes the whole thing really worse…is someone lying here…or am I going crazy on my own. I have been ignoring a whole lot trying to give her my love, show my affection in every possible way and she never says a nice word and she ends up arguing for some silly reason. On top of all this she continues to tell me things from her past. The thing that has really caused me to write this is when she told me that she used to hang out with couple of her friends partying on the nude beach in Goa. I do not know why should I even continue to trust this person, who did not mention anything before marriage. Her reasoning is that we didn't know each other then…but I feel sick now and being brought up in different atmosphere finding it difficult to accept her. Please help…I tried looking the other way but she never reciprocates my affection. I try to spend a whole lot of time, I call her, kiss her good bye everyday yet I feel I am not received very well, which is making it harder and harder. I feel I have been very patient and just cannot continue like this getting emotionally drained.
| By IndianMan on Friday, December 17, 1999 - 06:05 am: |
To Desiguy, i am sorry to hear yr situation, I wouldnt trust a person like yr wife at all, looks like yr wife is very inmatured and stupid. She told u all her crap after she came here. May be she used u. I know this guy who is softwear consultant, he went to India married a girl brought her here, after couple of months she ran away with another Indian guy...can u believe that?? I dont mean to depress u more but i am just
suggesting u to keep yr eyes open. U need a nice wife to make yr life easier n brighten yr future not a headace..If i would be on yr place i wont trust her at all. I would give her a chance but if i see a slightest doubt of anything ....i would send her back to India.
May be i am wrong because i dont know the person but dear bro.....keep yr eyes open and it is not that easy but its not that hard either to break up yr relationship before it hurts u further.
Good Luck
| By Princess on Monday, December 20, 1999 - 11:09 am: |
Desiguy,
That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear that. Your wife sounds very immatature but she also sounds like someone who's nervous and tactless but honest. She is trying to confide in you even though she doesn't posses the tact to not spread herself too thin. She has had a past as all people do, it may not be as terrible as you think but maybe she feels guilty of it and is babbling on to you thinking she will attain your trust and salvation in the process.
I don't think anyone is lying to you. Maybe your wife is testing you, maybe she is trying to gague your reaction, maybe she is trying to be honest. Whatever it is, agreed it is tactless and hurtful towards you. She may also be distant because ofcourse it is an arranged marriage and she may need to time build her feelings towards you. She is also in a new country alone and may be feeling lonely and rejected.
You might want to sit with your wife and tell her how you feel just as you have told us here. Tell her that her words are hurting her and now that she's married to you she needs to forget all the garbage from the past and make a new life with you and work on your marriage which is what you are trying. Don't accuse her perhaps that is what's making her feel defensive. How old is your wife? Sit her down or write to her but communicate to her any which way you can to let her know how you feel.
Don't feel betrayed. It may be no big deal. Just a bad reaction of your wife to a new place and person in her life. It's probably confusing and suspicious because you have pieces of the puzzle. Regardless you married this woman so forget the puzzle, it's probably one you can do without.
| By Pk Kapila on Wednesday, December 22, 1999 - 02:53 pm: |
Dear Desiguy
You have written it all quite well. Well do not panic. I think all this can be fixed and let us not blame her but blame the almost non existing courtship you guys had. This whole drama of relationships prior to marriage must be usually discussed before marriage.
Yet nothing is lost.
I would like to help you and promise you that if you just control your emotions, we can discuss this further. I have to go into details tomorrow as its midnight and i got up at 4.30 am so will write more on 22nd.
By the way be careful and do not provoke yourself or her on wednesday as its a special full moon day.
Please subscribe to a daily forecast based on various patterns of astrology at http://luckyfortune.com
Ok if you confide in me, please send me yours and hers birthdate with year to my address or post it here. I will study it carefully and report to you in absolutely complete details. I promise. I do know you are emotionally at your worst but i think strongly that you should deal with this matter without losing your temper.
Everyday I come to this conclusion : NO Love and marriage is perfect. We can perfect it but it takes about 30 years or so to reach that level. So matrimony is like a long course where you get the real degree after learning, teaching and knowing your subject very well. Please be hopeful.
My best regards
| By pogo on Thursday, December 30, 1999 - 08:40 pm: |
Hi. I will be having an arranged marriage next year. I've lived in the US for my entire life and she has been here for about 3 years. We talk and meet with other family members around. We do email each other but I still haven't asked her anything personal. My question is after the weddind ends at say 1:00 am and when we are alone do have sex right away?? or is it better to wait for the next night or say evn the honeymoon??
| By Susan on Thursday, December 30, 1999 - 10:58 pm: |
Pogo - That is a decision up to you and your bride. The two of you should talk about it and decide when you're both ready. One piece of advice - make sure you're both relaxed and not exhausted after a long day of festivities. The first time making love you two might feel a little nervous, and being overly tired will not help that nervousness and may even make it worse. But whatever the two of you decide to do, just keep the communication open in what you each want. Don't keep your feelings to yourself and encourage her to share her feelings with you too. Commnunication can make or break a marriage.
Congratulations and best wishes in your marriage. :)
| By Princess on Tuesday, January 11, 2000 - 01:34 am: |
Anonymous,
Unfortunately because India is a patriarcal society a woman is considered almost "property" of a man. Her father's before marriage and her husband's afterwards. So a lot of the pressures to make a marriage work and last are on her. When she is married she is expected to be a virgin and the only way she can leave her husband's house as per custom is in a shroud. She is considered "used" or "tainted" after marriage hence if a woman divorces the stigma never leaves her. It is happening a lot these days however in India.
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, June 20, 2000 - 12:50 pm: |
editor, please remove the post by carl. this is not a religious fundamentalist forum. i dont have anything against anyone's personal beliefs, but as long as they keep it to themselves and those that want to hear it. i don't.
| By Editor on Tuesday, June 20, 2000 - 08:14 pm: |
Dear Anonymous June 20
Thanks for your message. You are right. Many drifted or distracted or rather spammers post long messages without knowing the context of these serious pages.
Have a good day!
| By Anonymous on Monday, July 03, 2000 - 11:01 am: |
HEL ME!!
I am an Indian and I came to know an Indian girl 4 years ago. She was nice to me but I have no passion toward her. But last May, considering that I am getting older and older I decided to accept her proposal and get married at the end of last year. However, 3 months after the engagement I met a lovely girl who I fell in deep love with and decided to marry. So I immediately informed my fiance of my decision adn requested her to cancel the marriage. But finally after her threat of committing suicide and pressures from all sides, I married her relunctanly. From the day I got married, we started a hellish life. Because who I really love is that girl and she also loves me very much. Now I decided to divorce my wife. But she does not agree in any case and again threats me to suicide if I leave her. I know both of us will be destroyed if this situation continues. But I do not know how to divorce her as soon as possible. I am looking forward to practicable advice or maybe you can be kind enough to tell me who or where I can consult. I want to settle the problem in legal way.
| By Anonymous on Monday, July 03, 2000 - 11:04 am: |
HEL ME!!
I am an Indian and I came to know an Indian girl 4 years ago. She was nice to me but I have no passion toward her. But last May, considering that I am getting older and older I decided to accept her proposal and get married at the end of last year. However, 3 months after the engagement I met a lovely girl who I fell in deep love with and decided to marry. So I immediately informed my fiance of my decision adn requested her to cancel the marriage. But finally after her threat of committing suicide and pressures from all sides, I married her relunctanly. From the day I got married, we started a hellish life. Because who I really love is that girl and she also loves me very much. Now I decided to divorce my wife. But she does not agree in any case and again threats me to suicide if I leave her. I know both of us will be destroyed if this situation continues. But I do not know how to divorce her as soon as possible. I am looking forward to practicable advice or maybe you can be kind enough to tell me who or where I can consult. I want to settle the problem in legal way.
| By Sleepless in NJ on Saturday, July 22, 2000 - 01:31 am: |
I am well qualified Indian male presently working in US. Four years ago I met a social accident that ruined my entire life. Ours was an arranged marriage. My so called wife is also Indian decendant born and raised in US. Our marriage proposal was offered and accepted among our family elders including parents from both parties. This girl was brought to India on an yearly visit and within one week of their arrival and without bringing into her knowledge she was engaged to me. The girl objected (as told after wedding) on this but kept quiet as no body in their family can go against her father, who basically was very interested in this alliance. Following to this the wedding was arranged within days and we "both" were subjected as scape goats. At the wedding night this young woman (my wife) clearly told me that she didn't like me at all and she kept quiet for this wedding only because she couldn't go against her father's will. Also she warned me of making any move and kept me away in starting any relationship. She offered to keep this whole adventure as "secret" and requested me to let our life run together as usual without the involvement of "actual" relationship. And we started sleeping away from each other unknown to our parents and family members. Like all young women, young men too have lot of fantasies and plans about their wedding day and first night, but to me it was the most horrible night ever been spent in my life. Shortly after the wedding her family left for US and I followed them after a gap of 6 months. They all greeted me very well. During past four years my "wife" has been giving me all verbal and emotional care and treats me like million bucks. But no one knows what lies inside this glittering box. As the time passes my life becomes more and more miserable as parents from both side expect their "grand young ones". People are now talking suspicious about me and pass unbearable remarks to find the truth out. But still I keep my mouth locked and don't know what right move be taken to resolve this issue. Who knows we both are still virgins and sleeping away from each other on a railway platform waiting for our respective trains and move on to unknown destinations.
Please help me if you have any suggestions(s)..thanks.
| By WAKE-UP CALLER on Tuesday, August 01, 2000 - 03:28 am: |
Hi Sleepless in NJ:
I think your problem is quite obvious to your own selfisness. You, to my understanding opted in getting married to an american citizen girl who was born and raised in that country. Children raised in western environment have entirely different outlook in every walk of life including relationships and marriages. They never digest the idea of arranged marriages. In your case, the marriage was not only arranged by her parents but it was a sort of enforcement by her father. She had every right to deny this alliance, but she kept quiet only because of her father and also she might have thought this only because she was under a tremendous pressure in your social environment. If this had have happened in her own country, she might not have said 'yes' to your proposal. Even her father couldn't have enforced her upto this level.
You put yourself on this big stake my friend, probably to get an EZ pass for your own immigration status. Whatever you have reaped so far and yet undergoing through these tedious moves in your life are just the fruits of your hidden greed and "opportunistic" outlook. You better GROW UP and get real. You will never save this marriage. So get out of this bondage and find a better way for your and her rescue.
WAKE-UP CALLER
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, August 01, 2000 - 06:35 pm: |
Sleepless,
Unfortunatetly, forced arranged marriages to exist, and you seem to have been caught in one of them. I think parents generally do listen to their daughters' desires more in the US, but not always.
However, this has been going on for FOUR years? Are you happy? Is this the person you want to be with? Does she treat you well and make you feel special?
You both need to talk about this and decide for yourselves what to do--without worrying about what your parents will think at this point.
Have you tried that? Are you looking for the courage to end it?
| By rick_130 on Saturday, August 05, 2000 - 01:58 am: |
Hi Sleepless,
Get the hell out of this marriage and marry somebody from India. ABCD Girls though claim that they have Indian values do not have them at all. You are a professionally qualified person and you must have a good job, I presume. Do not believe in that crap about that you married somebody for the immigration. Even US Citizen girls go to India to get married, so she did you no favor. People with poor mentality think that Indian Boys marry ABCD for the immigration.
Hence, find somebody from India with a family background similar to yours and settle your life. Do not believ in what other people say, just believe in yourself and move around with your chin up.
| By WAKEUP on Thursday, August 10, 2000 - 03:22 am: |
Hi Sleepless and adviser Rick:
Facts when exposed in a tentative manner serve like bitter medicine. My analysis was based on facts and realities. Before raising eyebrows on others just look into your heart and ask for yourself, whether or not the contents of my previous note has something to do with your passion of love for your own immigration. If you find "NO" in your answer then I will certainly regret and take my words back. Rick's advice is appropriate only when you look your picture from one side of the tale. Problems created are merely not on one party's behalf. You too are equally responsible for your situation, may be less than what you have been experiencing. Rick may be right in his advise and suggesting you to get rid of this bondage. But he doesn't have time to categorize his own mentality before pointing out some else's.
Wake-Up Caller
| By zombie on Saturday, September 16, 2000 - 12:57 pm: |
Dear friends,
I am writing this post from India. I am an Indian male, married for past eight years. I am well qualified and doing well professionally. Quite certain, that I cannot say the same thing for personal life.
My wife is also very well qualified, but she could not do well in her career. During the first couple of years of our marriage, I used to feel that her behaviour was strange. I mean, what with physical and verbal abuses. She would imagine things which never happened, take words out of context to try to prove how misrably my parents and I have been treating her.
Some five years back, when problem became acute, we took medical help. It figured she was suffering from schezophrenia. And believe me, these five years have been quite a nightmare for me and my parents (they do not live with us). So far, I was able to control her, provide medicine and all that. But, since last six months, she has stopped taking medicine, which is forcing me to give her medicine in her beverages.
Now, in short, I have following situation in hand:
1) We have one three year old child, who I have been largely taking care of, due to repeated lapses in my wife's condition.
2) My parents are growing old and need medical care. They stay in small-town where medical facilities are not good. My wife starts screaming and hitting me if I want to get them to stay with us (at-least temporarily for medicare). Not only that, she also does all that when I plan to visit my parents to check their well-being.
I am at my wits-end. I would like to come out of this wedlock, take care of my old parents and child. But I am scared to face the aftermath. I also feel that if I were to divorce her, maybe her mental condition would deteriorate, and I'd be guilty for all that.
I am also very much worried for my son. Due to all this tamasha at home, we are kind of social outcast.
I am quite willing to talk to some professional counseller, but do not know where to find some genuine person. I am situated in Delhi. I know most of you kind souls are situated in North America, but if you do know of Delhi based NGO or counseller, please do respond.
Warm regards
| By aj on Friday, October 13, 2000 - 03:32 am: |
how do you all deal with divorce? what can you do to prevent divorce? and should counselling be mandatory for those seeking divorce?
please respond!!
| By Anonymous on Saturday, December 09, 2000 - 09:32 pm: |
hello,
i am married since 10 years and i don,t have kids.
due to my wife health also i dont like her nature due to short temper.otherwise i can let go in life but now its real time to think becasue her nature may be effect me in my old age,that time i am getting old and i don,t have kids and she will not take care of me i might be in trouble.in this condition can i get divorce or can i get married with another lady if my wife agree.if not agree i can able to get divorce please advise me
thank you
| By Vijay on Tuesday, December 19, 2000 - 03:35 am: |
Hi there,
I am Indian born, in my early forties, living in the US. I'm married to an Indian born woman. I wish I had not married, period. Even worse, I wish we did not bring two kids to this world. It's been an arranged marriage, and I've been married for 10 years, and it has been pure HELL. My wife puts me through so much mental distress and agony, that every day is a nightmare. Are there people who are in my boat? How do people cope with seemingly endless pain? I can't think of divorce, with my kids being the main issue. I love them, and can't think of being without them. They are 3 and 6 and have been completely shielded from the mental agony that the two of us are going through. Does anyone have any suggestions? No one around us knows about our marital disharmony. Living in such circumstance (where we take pains to hide it from everyone else) is itself such a huge strain. What can we do?
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 06, 2001 - 07:06 am: |
Hi,
Iam married for 3 months. The marriage was an arrianged. But I have found that they have got a dog who bites me. He just cannot bear me staying with him. When he bites me they dont say any thing to thim.Ive also found out that they have lied about their jobs.Ive also found out my husband has got a disease which might be cancer and they had hidden it from us during the proposal. I dont think so that I can stay with them. Please give me some advice.
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 06:01 pm: |
confused and unhappy
i was having a affair with a girl for last 3 1/2 years
in that for the last 2 years i was is US
so we used to mail every day so my fondness grew for her even more
seeing her dedication
her father was against our marriage but the girls mother atlast made her father convinced
and we married
but in marriage which was a court one the father didnt even care to
give any thing after marriage not even a single utensil
( ofcourse i dont want but i feel bad somewhere inside that he just took me for granted ... )
inspite of i being in USA and earning a lot
now the girl after marriage is changed a lot
she fights with me every time and some times in the fit of anger
beats me with any thing she has in her hand eg utensils any dam thing .
and breaks the door etc with any thing she has in her hand
locks herself in the bathroom... and says she is going to die
goes downstairs and bang the car door
and scares me that she will run out of house in any clothes she is wearing
and every alternate day she is fighting with me ...
and here voice is too loud
but after sometime she becomes so cool that i feel we never had a fight
i feel she is very possessive about me..
whenever she sees i talking about any girl she just irritates me
and basically spoil my day
her tactic is she dont talk with me a 2 days and
dont even care to cook a good food...
and now days her demand for going out in restaurents are increased
she thinks that she is in USA and it is her right. whats the big deal in that
as if her father is a crorepati in india
and never made me feel good that i brought her to US...
how sould i tackle the people who has so much of anger
that they can do any thing in that anger...
help me...
| By Anonymous on Sunday, March 18, 2001 - 02:19 pm: |
Mine has been an arranged marriage and I have been married for over two years now out of which I have been living in Abu Dhabi for over a year
During the one year that we were together we shared a reasonable ok relationship but definitely not as a newly married couple.
During this one year I have been here, my wife has been living with her parents, She has not been very supportive to my family which consist of my aunts who are my guardians (not legally thought) after the death of my parents but never the less very close to me since we have always been living together.
This last one year in spite of my financial and procedural difficulties my wife and in laws have been pushing me over the issue of my wife joining me here, for which I have done everything within my financial and obligatory powers...but due to the procedural delays have not been able to so far
My wife & in laws have been well aware of my difficulties but this pushing has been consistent in spite of my several requests to her that this pressure sometimes becomes unbearable for me and I am loosing my sleep over it .
I fully understand the situation and continues taunts she must be facing from relatives and acquaintances for not being able to join me so far .. and have done my best to get her here.
Although every time she always tells me that she understands my difficulties and promises to be more supportive towards me and my family her actions have only been one track and the persuasions still continues
She out of my requests today stays in touch over the phone with my family.. but it is not out of her own free will and concision.
Her consistent stubborn nature and non cooperation has left me very bitter and I just cannot accept my self to reconcile with her any more, every time I think about her all I jut end up remembering her uncooperative and stubborn nature
Today forget the idea of getting her here ...I just want to end this marriage. Can you please help me obtain a divorce from her. I would very much appreciate your reply on this and how do I go about it
| By People Pleaser on Sunday, October 14, 2001 - 05:03 am: |
Hi Friends,
I am a 33 year old guy engaged to a 27 year old.
The marriage is set for December 2001. I am getting nervous keeping the following facts in mind :
1) I decided to marry the first person I saw - met for an hour
2) The decision was based more on sympathy for her.
She is a product of a mixed marriage and she is trying for an alliance in an arranged marriage. I could make out that their parents were desperate and they were prepared for the marriage just based on speaking to me for about 10 minutes.
3) The never wanted to let go of me since the time we met, since probably I was an NRI or something ( I am not sure)
I went to see her because - she was looking attractive in the photograph which was sent to me, it was when she was younger.
I believe she is a really nice person, but when I look at the cultural differences and the language differences the future appears very confusing :
eg : what language will be spoken to the kids at home since the mother does not know my language. Communication between my parents and her parents are already a problem so I am not sure how much of this can be handled without any problems. I even called it off once and the girls parents begged of me to reconsider and said that their daughter's life will be ruined. The nicety in me brought me back.
At this point I am 6 weeks away from my marriage, and do not even feel excited about it, neither is my family.
The girls family is all gung ho about it.
Is this a good sign for the future ? Should I be selfish and not care about what happens to the girl ?
I can monetarily compensate for all the expenses they have undertaken and call it off.
Though my family is not happy with this alliance as it is onesided - they are not in favor of breaking it off.
Any words of advice/wisdom is appreciated.
Indiafamily.net
Dear friend
You may postpone the marriage for an alternate date/month and in the meanwhile communicate with the girl as much as you can. Communication is the key to all successful marriages.
If you are marrying under sweet coercion or as pity on her it may become difficult at a later date for any little thing that goes wrong.
Please do not play with you and her specially.
Many people who are apparently honored, do engage with NRIs just to get economic benefits. This is proven by thousands of cases and this is really pathetic.
We have received thousands of such cases by emails in past years.
Please do not waste your youth, resources and reputation by engaging in such an important event.
It is wise of you to think and ask questions.
If after long communication you find her compatible then go and meet her and be with her for few days.
Take care your decision afterwards.