I know of some people who ruin their studies, careers by not concentrating on them because they are busy going after women all the time...

No matter what we tell them, how seriously we tell them to concentrate on what is good for their age, they always tend to lend a deaf ear to us and continue with their habit..

I am sure there you too know of such people. Now is it an addiction like drugs, smoking, etc??? How can we change such people??? Can we put some proportion of blame on the women too for such things???

I value your ideas as I have someone who I am trying badly to change...

Best regards,

PS: By the way, I am very new to this forum and I don't know if my topic is worth discussion, but I am willing to learn and I want to actively participate in any kind of discussions...

By Editor on Thursday, November 11, 1999 - 05:06 am:

Just joined

Welcome to IndiaTalking.

Thats a very nice and interesting topic to discuss.
In fact you are quite right that womanizing as such although it sounds bizarre can be an addictive excess for some people.

Since this is an important topic we will be moving to a better page asap.

By Just Joined on Thursday, November 11, 1999 - 06:03 am:

The Editor,

Thanks a lot... It surely is a very encouraging gesture from your side and I am happy with your response.

Looking forward to receiving good responses and looking forward to become an active member of these discussions..

Thanks again and best regards, and I guess I am no loger Just Joined...

By Princess on Thursday, November 11, 1999 - 06:05 am:

Just Joined,

Welcome to India Talking. First you need to differenciate between just a teenagers raging hormones and womanizing. Womanizing is some serious business not kids play and it's a lot more then daydreaming, gawking at and talking about women all the time.

How old is this person you are trying to change and why are you trying to change him? Also why do you feel women should be held responsible for the actions of men obsessed with them? For that matter why should men feel responsible if some woman is obsessing over them? Aren't we all responsible for our own actions?

By naresh on Thursday, November 11, 1999 - 06:42 am:

Dear already joined :)

So finally you raised this quintessential matter.
Yes it is true that many men are truly in this awful category.

In fact princess is a bit rude in her remarks. What does it matter who the person is. I guess already joined is just giving an example and people in her position are directly affected and thats the reason of her concern.

Well indeed it should be the concern of many of us.
There are some incorrigible men who consider themselves as unstoppable machines or some kind of extra virile men who just love to change women like one does with clothes.

I dont think persuasion will work in these cases.
Well it is a matter to think about and I myself have been thinking about it for a long time..
Will revert with more. Need some time to reflect.
Too strong..

By Just Joined on Thursday, November 11, 1999 - 08:01 am:

Hi Everyone,

Princess, well, thanks for your reply - though it was hasty... Thanks again, but I know the difference that you wanted me to know, and I am not talking about teenagers (the person I was referring is 27 yrs old). I didn't want to concentrate on one person alone so I generalized it, as I for sure know there are lots of such people around. """Aren't we all responsible for our own actions""" Yes, we are.. But, the issue I raised involes two human beings and so two responsible people. I can go around chasing women, flirting them, etc., etc., but if women don't encourage me how long would I continue to do it??? Surely the more rejections from women's side to men who are known womenizers, the more are the chances for such men to get disgusted and change their habits and may be stop their habits... So, I thought that "may be" we should put some proportion of the blame to women and I asked a question whether we should or we should not. If someone wants to do something with you - would you let him/her do it closing your eyes and thinking that it is their responsibility??? Are you not responsible if you allow them to do what they want with you???

Naresh, you were thoughtful and thanks for your views (by the way refer me as "him" from now on cos that's what I am :)). Yes, I agree with you that persuation doesn't work, I tried it in vain... We need to reflect a lot on this and one way I tried which was a little effective was to indulge the person in something else and keep them very busy there (I know it would be difficult but there would a thing which is second interesting thing for such people - first being the subject of the topic and we can keep them busy by some way or other in their second interest - of course if it is a good one)... Like the person I was referring to had cricket as a second interest so I bought him all the kit and enrolled him in a good club and he was really full time into cricket until the season was over and was always talking and thinking about the game. However, after the season was over, he was back to square one...

Naresh, yes this topic is thought provoking and I await your further feedback...

Bye....

By Princess on Friday, November 12, 1999 - 03:38 am:

Naresh I don't think I was being rude. People from different cultures have different definitions of what womanizing is. And womanizing so to speak is not really the same at different ages. It was a valid question not a rude one.

I still think that we are all responsible for our own actions. If a woman who was loose was going around sleeping with all the guys on the block why would anyone blame the guys? Wouldn't it be the woman's fault?

Men who womanize the "right way" don't always let one woman get the drift of other women so if they are involved with or playing around with several women one woman doesn't know of the other. As a woman I assure you no woman will encourage a man to be with another woman much less be with him knowing there were other women in his life.

On the other hand men who womanize the "wrong way" screw up and fall on their face when the women find out thus not really encouraging them. By saying the right way and wrong way I am being "scarcastic to a point". If the guy was slick and a real cassinova he will be better equipped to "womanize" correctly. If a guy was just a plain jerk on an ego trip he will screw up often and won't be correctly equipped to "womanize". (Funlover will have some good insight on this)

As a woman I wouldn't encourage a guy to womanize by being with him if I knew he was womanizing and most women won't. The ones that chose to be with guys who womanize are there by choice just as the guy is. Each is responsible for his/her own actions as all adults are. The blame shouldn't be shifted. Society tends to do that. If a guy I was dating happened to be a jerk how would it be my responsibility? Do you see what I mean?

I on the other hand have a very different definition of what womanizing is. If a guy was dating 2 women or 20 woman he has the right to. It isn't wrong. As long as all women knew he was dating all of them. I'm not going to pass judgement on someone for being single and wanting to date several women. Most guys do. However in my eyes womanizers are those that use and abuse women and then dump them by lying to them and cheating on them.

So I ask you Just Joined...what is your definition of "Womanizing"? Can you define the actions of your friend so we can discuss it?

By Just Joined on Saturday, November 13, 1999 - 01:42 pm:

Princess,

Well well, that was some kind of an answer.

"I still think that we are all responsible for our own actions. If a woman who was loose was going around sleeping with all the guys on the block why would anyone blame the guys? Wouldn't it be the woman's fault?" - My dear Princes, you seem to contradict yourself here. As per your statement, if a guy X is (luckily) in that block where this woman is and he sleeps with that woman, he is not responsible for his action (of sleeping with her). So, how can you say that we are all responsible for our own actions?? Ask me and I will tell you that all the guys too are responsible for sleeping with that women and it is not she who is alone responsible.

Yes, you are right that womenizing is different in different cultures, but I was speaking about a guy who is spoiling his career due to womenizing or a guy who is spoiling his studies because of it. The definition can be different when we refer to a school or college student womenizing or womenizing by a grown up man doing a job - but the word remains the same and it is womenizing due to which he is spoiling his studies/career (a.k.a. life). My topic was precisely this - whether such womenizing is an addiction? how to change such a boy/man etc.. You get my point, it doesn't matter what the guy is doing by womenizing - a school boy's womenizing may just be going around with the girl to parks, cinemas, restaurants, etc., - a college student may want something more than this when he womenizes and a grown up man when he womenizes needs .... (by reading your answers, I am sure you know what a grown up man needs - don't you).

Whatever be the ultimate objective behind womenizing or whatever be the definition of womenizing, the fact of the matter is not just a men chasing women or men behind women but it is also women in front of men.

The guy I was talking to - well, I don't know if he is womenizing the "right way" or "wrong way" and what are his actions (as I never really know what he does with the variety of women he tends to find every now and then), but he is after women and he is not taking much interest in his career always being kicked out of jobs due to irregular attendance to office.

Princess, you said "However in my eyes womanizers are those that use and abuse women and then dump them by lying to them and cheating on them" is it your definition of womenizing?

I look forward to your next post...

Best regards,

PS: Naresh, what do you think?

By Anon on Saturday, November 13, 1999 - 04:24 pm:

Just joined,

If you want to help him...

1. Talk with him. One on one, sit down and have an open, honest discussion. Ask him all of you Q's and then see if you can help him.

2. You can tell him to seek professional help. If he is addicted to something and doesn't have the maturity to realize his problem or not able to find solutions, then there is not much anyone can do.

3. Bottom line is... he is an adult. A grown up man. With a thinking capacity. This man needs to grow up sometime or another. He is oblivious to the results of his actions. If you play you pay... He is not only hurting himself (by losing jobs), eventually he will have some health problems (by product of his womanizing), possibly hurting another human being (by playing with their emotions). etc...

By Princess on Sunday, November 14, 1999 - 01:03 am:

Just Joined,

I'm still unclear about your definition of "womanizing". From what I understand it sounds more like you find a man who is "socializing" with the opposite sex to be "womanizing".

You said "it doesn't matter what the guy is doing by womenizing - a school boy's womenizing may just be going around with the girl to parks, cinemas, restaurants, etc.,".
To me those things are socializing, a need that is the birthright of every man and woman. To me that's not "womanizing" so I find it hard to believe that simply being a social animal that a human being is, one is considered a "womnanizer".

Let me tell you why I find the need for a definition. My brother just turned 21. He is in his last year of college, holds down two parttime jobs and has a girlfriend, lots of friends and a average social life. Nothing wrong with that. It's normal for any 21 year old. However in my father's eyes who very much believes in his old Indian ways he consideres my brother a wayward Romeo who doesn't have any clue about life. All this simply because he chooses to "socialize" instead of being a "bookworm". What my father fails to realize that it is quite possible to do both and so when he doesn't fail to recognize that he misconstrues my brother's actions. Obviously in my books the definition of my brother's actions in my fathers books are biased.

Sure it is quite possible to waste one's life away by overdoing anything and everything. However at 27 a man isn't a child and knows his role in society and in his own life. He should have found the balance that by which he is comfortable being both a social animal and can be a productive human being. You mentioned he's losing jobs because of his "womanizing". You'll have to give some definitions or examples rather.

If a 27 year old man is losing several jobs over women there is nothing wrong with the women there is something wrong with the guy and his choices in women. However above all there is something wrong with his priorities and he needs to realize that. Perhaps he finds himself balanced and quite normal in his life but according to your definition of what a 27 year old's life should be he isn't doing well. So hence I need you to define "womanizing" in your view.

Most people tend to misconstrue someone's actions when they don't understand those actions. Just by the same token most people don't understand a lot of American born or bred Indians and hence tend to call them confused. They aren't actually confused and quite comfortable but rather the people who don't understand them tend not to be able to figure out. That is just an example and I'm just trying to understand your mindset.

By Just Joined on Tuesday, November 23, 1999 - 10:18 am:

Princess,

Sorry, I was out of my place and busy on business, so I counln't answer you soon. Anyway, thanks for your answer, it is quite detailed.

However, I wonder why you are after "my definition of womenizing" while I am time and again telling you that we are in this case not bothered about what womenizing means but are bothered by what is the affect of such womenizing (with whatever meaning it may carry) on a guy who is doing it in excess. I am telling you again and again that whether you call it socializing or whether you call it womenizing or (even if you call it going around screwing women) it doesnt really concern me, what concerns me is that this guy is ruining his career running around women (again, again and again - FOR WHATEVER PURPOSE IT MAY BE).

Your brothers case is just about the case of most of the people who balance socializing and studies/career and end up successful. But, we are talking about a person who doesn't have this balance and who is excessively indulging in womenizing or socializing or bullshittizing (try to get the point not don't get stuck with something irrelevant).

By the way, if you read my first post, I never said we "should" put blame on women but I asked "SHOULD WE" and I now take your opinion as that we should not put any blame on women for this, but keep in mind that there may be some people who may say that we should put some proportion of the blame on the women too for this.

I hope you are still there and I await your views...

Best regards,

By qqq on Wednesday, November 24, 1999 - 08:28 am:

WOMaNIZING!!!
i have no idea why men look up at women as COMPANY!
and then conquer them phy.........i reckon this is what u call womanizing?????????
ps. commneet

anakj

By Princess on Wednesday, November 24, 1999 - 10:12 am:

Just Joined,

I understand what you are saying. Its a terrible shame when people get carried away with a vice that affects the rest of their life. It just might be that this isn't about womanizing for your friend atall but about control or denial about other things. People do distructive things to themselves sometimes to get away from or hide from obvious problems. So womanizing isn't really the cause of his career problems but some other deep rooted problem that he has or is creating it himself.

Unfortunately at 27 he isn't a child and I can't imagine being that way at 27 but most guys who are single at that age have their heads in the clouds. Most people by 27 grow up and are more grounded. Some people take time. For someone like that a good kick in the butt is what is needed to straighten up and take note of their vices. However this kick in the butt shouldn't come from you but rather he will reap it from his own sowings.

By Deepak on Sunday, April 02, 2000 - 10:03 pm:

Yes, its a great experience.One needs guts to do it. Everyone cannot. The vigour,the aattracting personality, the tact required is not so commonly found. If I have it & want to do - why not ?
Bye

Deepak

By ahbadboy2 on Saturday, June 24, 2000 - 05:51 pm:

Hi I'm new to this board and was hoping to get some unbiased feedback...I am a 46/male. Not married but living with someone. She was married 17 yrs and was very sexually deprived. This woman satisfies me sexually in every way I can imagine. She's always open to trying new things sexually and always derives pleasure form what ever we try.It's always my goal to pleasure her. This I have found is what brings me the most satisfaction. If she's not in agreement I never force the issue. My goal is for both of us to recieve pleasure. My problem is that in other areas of our life I find it very boring. She doesnt like to go out or be around ppl. She has no friends at all. She likes to stay home alot but, myself I am a ppl person. I need to be around ppl and make friends. Problem is most of my friends 99% are females who undoubtedly been sexually deprived as well some to the point of never having orgasam. This exites me and challenges me to the point I end up sexual relations with them. I love the woman I'm with but just cant seem to control my impluse to want to please other women. can you help??...ahbadboy2

By alias on Saturday, February 24, 2001 - 02:53 pm:

ahbadoy2

Till you can get away with your behaviour, you will. One day, you will notice that you are physically intimate with a lot of people and totally empty within and also totally lonely.

Naturally , since you cannot belong wholly to any one person, no one will also in the long run be totally yours emotionally.

You are trading in irresponsibility and a feeling of immediate importance against genuine long term intimacy. If you use people , they are bound to use you too. I don't vision a great future for you spiritually.

By Nicky on Saturday, February 24, 2001 - 02:47 pm:

Womanising is a vice that hurts the woman is long term committed to very badly. Why does she not move away ? Well, she could be emotionally addicted or because of kids or financial. She is paying a price for sticking around.

Why do some men womanise ? Who knows? But ultimately, they do not have any initmacy with anyone atall.

By latin princess on Wednesday, March 21, 2001 - 12:09 am:

To just join I agree with princess. I just broke up
today I broke up with my financee who turn out to be a womanizer
we were together two years and he swore up and down how much he love me. Then I discover he been leading
a whole different he was talking to three women
trying to get any or all to sleep with him. What womanizing does it devastes women spiritually,physically and emotionally.I had told him
many times in our relationship if he wanted to be with
any one else just let me go. The selfish man he is wanted me chaise for him. While he acted like a dog
with a ••••• in heat in front of him.

By Anonymous on Monday, October 08, 2001 - 12:45 am:

I don't know what to do. I'm 37 female w/2 boys 14 and 9. After 18 years of marriage and growing apart for at least the past 10, for years of not being able to put my foot down and harboring resentment, I feel as though, I no longer love my husband. His mistress has been his business. We've had such a rough year of arguements. I know I've hurt him deeply. I've been to a thereapist, who says I should seek marriage counseling. That if my husband changes his behavior, my feelings for him may in turn change, she said feelings come and go. My husband says he loves me, but is ready to end it. He says I need to let him go if I don't love him, however, what he means by letting him go, is me moving out, leaving our home and children. I'm not willing to do that. The only reason I don't want to let go of the house, is because, it our kids home, and I cant see moving them out. I just can't imagine not being able to tuck them in at night. At the same time my lack of emotion for my husband is evident when it come to sex. It has become increasingly difficult to "go through the motions". I really don't want an empty or "fake" marriage either. I've even wondered if because I'm the one "with the problem", if that morally obligates me to go. But what will that do to my kids, will they feel abandonded, I can't leave them. Has anyone been here?

By Anonymous on Monday, October 08, 2001 - 08:13 pm:

I am not sure what you should do, but I wouldn't think of yourself as the "one with the problem." It is a mutual thing. Also, you said he has a mistress; do you have a "mister"? How long has he had a mistress?