It is important to understand what the abuse is. It is easy to understand when a physical abuse occurs. However, a mental abuse is difficult to define and both men and women are victim of this in a relationship. It is untrue to say that only women are emotionally abused. There are lot of men also who are abused by their wives and are afraid to come out and say it..

By anon on Wednesday, December 30, 1998 - 10:50 pm:

Hi anonymous,
I do understand what you say! Men can also be the victim of abuse. Both physical and mental. I agree.
But, somehow, only women have so far got sympathy. But, there are organizations which cater only to men who are being abused. So, I should say, men too have hope now!

By Anonymous on Thursday, December 31, 1998 - 05:42 am:

Hi, Anon !!

Nice to see your comments. Even though there are organizations that cater only to women who are being abused, I feel there should be organizations who cater to anyone who is abused regardless of their Gender. Abuse itself is terrible and it does not make any sense to have organizations labeled for men or women specifically.

By Anonymous on Thursday, December 31, 1998 - 10:30 pm:

Very true! I agree! No one should be abused. Giving respect should be inculcated in everyone right from childhood. Only people with low self-esteem abuse others. Right? :)

By Anonymous on Thursday, December 31, 1998 - 10:33 pm:

Anon, another after thought!! Taking an abuse without objecting to it, is also wrong!
One should have the courage to stop taking these abuses submissively!
what do you say??
Anyway, I wish you a happy new year!

By Janani on Tuesday, January 05, 1999 - 03:09 am:

It's also important to remember that abuse comes in many shapes & forms. I have a freind who was divorced because of her husband's constant emotional abuse. A once vibrant, confident, loving person, she was driven to very low self esteem thanks to her husband and in-laws. After her divorce, Indian people would ask her if her husband "beat" her and when she replied, no, they just couldn't understand why she didn't stay and make things work...what is this mental abuse, they would ask? When they got the explanation, they would turn up their noses and chalk her up as another ABCD gone wrong!

By Universal on Tuesday, January 05, 1999 - 04:15 am:

Janani..

I agree that there are lot of different kind of abuses and at the same time, it is more important for all of us to understand that emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. Emotional abuse affects your self esteem which is very difficult to rebuild if you really don't realize what is being done to you. And of course, both women and men go through this. My ex-wife abused me emotionally so much that I was not even myself anymore. She knew I don't want divorce, and with the threats of divorce, she got everything from me. It was emotional blackmail. It is difficult for a male to come out and say this, but trust me, it is true. Both male and females are victim of this kind of abuse. We all need to support each other and don't label divorced people as bad people. There are circumstances which forces one or another to take certain decisions..Let us not be judgemental...

By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 06, 1999 - 12:58 am:

Yes, very true. Emotional abuse (which is hidden, unlike physical abuse) can cause a person to lose self confidence. Actually, people who abuse others need to seek counselling. They need to feel good about themselves first before they can begin to treat others with respect.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, February 17, 1999 - 03:45 pm:

in the case of a woman, if she is self sufficient or independent,then her self esteem is also higher. She has more confidence to deal with abusive husband. I think it is very important to educate our daughters to become self sufficient, not to rely on husband financially and not always to "adjust" to the husband. In the beginning of marriage it should be made clear that this relationship is mutual and is not to be dominated by one spouse.

By Anonymous on Thursday, February 18, 1999 - 10:31 pm:

More and more women are increasingly getting knowledgeable about Section 498A of the IPC and using it as a tool to harass and abuse the husbands.
This "handy blackmailing tool" should be banned from the Indian Law.

By Rahul_Mal on Monday, March 01, 1999 - 06:41 pm:

Keep distance. Intimacy breeds contempt. Donot have undue expectation.Anger is lunatic expression of one's self in which he expects other person to behave his way, which we know is not possible.

By Princess on Saturday, March 06, 1999 - 12:51 am:

Rahul_Mal

If one would:

"Keep distance. Intimacy breeds contempt. Donot have undue expectation.Anger is lunatic expression of one's self in which he expects other person to behave his way, which we know is not possible."

Then one wouldn't be having a real relationship. Being close, intimate, having expectations, being angry are natural courses of being in a relationship. Why bother being in one if you can't handle all these things?

The answer isn't to keep distance or not be intimate or have expectations or be angry. It wouldn't be a relationship of any kind in that case. We experience these emotions even with our own parents or children. They apply to any relationship. The answer is to be able to deal with and perceive these emotions correctly.

By Anonymous on Saturday, April 10, 1999 - 08:16 pm:

Yes . The times are changing , so are the values may be for good. But everthing that is traditional need not be bad for sure . So in the garb of freedom are not women sometimes overreacting to the limits of being abusive. It pains if happens from your spouse , but then it is criminal . Relationships need to have a code of conduct for fair play. The emerging socialorder may be well adviced to brood over and evolve accordingly.

By Princess on Saturday, April 10, 1999 - 08:42 pm:

Anonymous,

You are absolutely right. Simply because the world is changing doesn't make the traditional ways bad cause they are different or outdated. However when different people involved in such relationships are on different stages of change and hence don't see eye to eye how is the tradition perceived? Perhaps in different stages of evolution and in different culture what is criminal and what is simply hurtful is defined differently. But what happens when the two school of thoughts mix and come together in the form of a husband and wife, where one sees it one way and the other sees it another way, how is that situation resolved or decided upon?

By Prince on Sunday, May 30, 1999 - 07:48 pm:

I am a UK Jat Sikh and would like to hear from princess in particular as I strongly believe she is a very wise and open lady. I am currently facing severe criticism for trying to workout a union which has been falling apart for the last 3.5yrs. I am constantly criticised and undermined maybe sometimes deservedly by often abusively. This in turn often leads to violence with my wife returning any physical blows often two fold as if 2 males where fighting.This has continued for about 2 years with myself affording more passion and sincerity than my wife.The disrepect she has for myself and the rest of the family may be due to her very UK western upbringing. She wants to move out of the family home and get her own place and is undecided as to whether I should also reside with her. She constantly changes her mind as to whether she wants to work things out with me and hence be together. My parents are appauled by her blatent disrespect and want be to get divourced and perhaps remarry someone from India.

I may not be able to control her but does her independence give her the right to treat me like this. I am not the type of person that can withstand swearing and abusive talk without reaction. I cannot think of anyone I know that would have put up with this for so long.
Please can someone advise.

By Joseph on Sunday, May 30, 1999 - 09:53 pm:

Hi Prince,

I am sure you will hear from princess soon. From your post it sounds like yours being an arranged marriage (is it?) between people brought up in different cultures. The conflict seems to be living with joint family or not. However, you also mention that she wants to move out without you. Is she asking for a divorce?

Well, you seem to have intentions to resolve conflicts, but it seems it is going violent way. I think you both should resolve this by discussing and not forcing eachother's beliefs. If she is what you have pictured her as, the "discussion" route will work more effectively rather than "submission by other means". If the cultural gap is too wide, but if you two are willing to work it out, I am sure there will be a common ground. Do you love her? Does she have the same feelings for you? Hope things will work out. When she is calm, discuss with her the issues and explain that getting violent will not allow you two to come to some kind of resolution.

With different upbringing, what you may take something for granted (living in joint family for example) may be a big issue for her. Find out exactly what is the problem. What you may think is not a problem, it may be for her. ANd try to find a solution rather than trying to change her in to your thinking, because it may not happen. Good luck.

By Prince on Sunday, May 30, 1999 - 11:23 pm:

Joseph,

I read your posting regarding allowing your children to choose their own partner and can understand this from a freedom point of view.
However, will you express your hopes that they try to maintain their roots by not cross fertilising and hence diluting the indian identity, unless it is anavoidable.
I am sure many individual would be ecstatic at being priviledged with the kind of freeness you propose and would hence seek such partners.

You were right to assume mine is an arranged marriage within the same caste. It was a 20min interview without intense interrogation and hence some incompatibility. Her father was insistent on a quick marriage to prevent her from changing her mind. After having met her once the Registry Office Marriage had been performed I expressed serious doubts as to our compatibility but went along for my parents sake and similar to now, to give her the benefit of doubt.

I feel I am a more compassionate person than she is and having not had any relations before marriage set out to make myself love her regardless to the obstacles. This was signified by my occassionaly telling her I loved her but not receiving the same reply unless I forcefully prompted her.

I have tried to discuss our future over the phone with the response "Why are you phoning me" as she just wants her family to resolve the issue and for her possessions to be returned.

She seems in two minds as to whether she wants things to work and would be happier for me to be the instigator of divorce proceedings. The fighting between us in my opinion had nothing to do with where we resided as it occurred both outside and inside the home in private.

However, when there is such conflict it affects the whole family and causes such tension and hence I am only considering getting out to prove that I did all that was possible. I find it hard to beleive that just by living completely alone she will change her attitude towards me. To avoid my own personal stigma of divorce and having to find, again arranged, another partner I am willing to be as accommadating as humanly practicle.

What does one do when their partner does not respect them or other members of their family.
As everyone is aware it is all too easy to get divorced especially under such provocation and constant miserable portrayal.

By Joseph on Monday, May 31, 1999 - 01:15 am:

Hi Prince,

I sympathize with your situation. You have been taken for a ride. You are the innocent victim of the traditions.

What her parents thought will solve all problems (by arranging marriage)they may had, has backfired on them and you are left with an unhappy marriage. I very well understand your sincerity and your belief in arranged marriage, but unfortunately you have been paried with someone who does not, although she is born to Indian parents.

This is why I have been saying all along is that to marry an Indian arranged way, you have to be born in that culture. Not only to Indian Parents, but in "Indian culture". I hear you plea about their roots and cross-fertilizing and diluting Indian Identity, but the fact is that their roots are now in different culture and they are getting nutrients from "that" culture. It is hard to avoid, prince. That is one of the effects of uprooting form one culture and settling in another.

I commend you for all your patience and will to work things out. Look, try to expalin to her about this difference in cultures. And find a common ground. There is no excuse for her to disrespect parents. What was the reason her parents wanted her to get married before she changes her mind? Is someone else is involved? If there is, than she is not seeing this marriage with clear vision. Than it may be a bit hard to win her feelings for you. But if it is the cultural differences only, try to find a common ground. Adjudtments and sacrifices comes naturally to the minds of people who believe in arranged marriage concept, and so you have to take lead and show you are willing to adjust. Hopefully she will realize that.

And you are doing the right thing. Giving all possible effort to save the marriage. While this is very sad and unfortunate for you, remember, divorce is not end of life, specially in the 90's, even in Indian culture. I still hope you can find a happy solution to this situation.

There is something to learn for those who blindly force children in arranged marriage hoping all will be ok after the marriage. Think of an innocent life too which is involed in this equation.

By Princess on Monday, May 31, 1999 - 02:55 am:

Prince,

Joseph is very right. While it's apparent that you don't have a happy, amicable marriage and there are a lot of differences on the plate. Any normal marriage has conflicts and there is nothing wrong with them. However how we solve them or weather we are able to solve them determines how the marriage will work. You seem to have sadly been matched up with someone that isn't compatible at the moment but that doesn't mean that you can't find compatibility. I'm sure she has her own problems with this as you have yours. Why not try a seperation for a period of time...say a month or two months to see if you want to be together or break apart? You can't lead your life based on rules and regulations set forth by culture. You have to be happy in the end and you must do what makes you happy. Think of your happiness first as selfish as it sounds before your parents happiness.

By Prince on Monday, May 31, 1999 - 07:45 pm:

She is currently at her parents for a one month trial she says because she does not want to stay a minute longer in the parental home. She is too aragant to phone me and being the sensitive person I am I cannot go past a week without phoning her to ascertain whether she wants to be with me.
She avoids an honest answer a says it will be resolved in a few weeks time and that I should not contact her. With regard to culture we are both of the same religion and brought up the the same society although my parents may have instilled slightly more values in me. I need to know whether she wants to try and works things out as purchasing a property for her convenience may otherwise prove fruitless.

I do not have constant eMail access so please bear with me.

By Pk Kapila on Monday, May 31, 1999 - 08:43 pm:

Dear Brother Prince

I m travelling so 'll be brief.
I do feel where and how you stand.
Your current state of mind is fluid, confused and sad caused by the woman you married. The fault does not lie with your spouse but with her parents, especially the mother. A person of whichever origin, whatever their condition or status, are most influenced by their parents and later by friends and their inner social circle.

The more you call her, worse its going to be.
She is humiliating you because you are letting it happen. She despise you because for sure she does not appereciate you. In the current status, even if you are the best of the best man in the country, she will continue to behave like this.

Marriages arranged in haste without time to know each other can be lethal. In India, i hear, that when a marriage is arranged between educated people, they do not marry next day but there is a period of gestation of about 1 year or more. In this period they have time to exchange information, ideas and possibly sporadic encounters. In your case, you were not given this privilege. But let us not lament.

NOW, you have only 2 options:
1. Forget her, divorce and start a new life
2. Jump start the moribund relationship

Meanwhile you reach to one of the above decisions my sincere suggestion, even though you may find it outrageous, horrendeous and cruel at this time:

a. stop all contact with her immediately
b. stop thinking negatively about you or her
c. stop falling into depression by hurting yourself
d. Talk frankly, openly in clear terms to parents and tell them what has happened in place of being vague, shy and meek

After this you write down on a sheet of paper or word processor in two columns:
1. her virtues, qualities, good things and attributes you like
2. her negative points, unwanted behaviour

Do analyse it for a week and based on your time with her visualise next 10, 20, 30 years.
Meanwhile you do this write me an email with your telephone no. and i will contact you or you may write here preferably.
Promise to help you as all dark tunnels have light at the end.
REMEMBER when the dark gets the darkest and its all black - a little light shines and guides us.
Boat is calling me....

By Princess on Monday, May 31, 1999 - 09:02 pm:

Prince,

PK is absolutely right. Regardless of what you decide about your relationship weather to break it or make it you need to use this time away from her to indeed stay away from her 100% and weigh out the relationship.

I think it's terrible that you had an abusive relationship. There is no excuse for physical or verbal abuse but what is more apparent to me is that you are very a very mismatched couple and weren't given enough time to get to know that about eachother.

Listen in all honesty I wouldn't want to stay with my in-laws too. I'd like to be in my own house with my husband. That doesn't mean that I would disrespect this parents or that I think anything less of them. It doesn't mean that I had any unvirtous upbringing. It simply means to me that I'm independent and wouldn't want conflicts to arise and for the sake of everyones happiness I'd need to be in my own space. But I wouldn't wait till I got married to someone to tell them this. This is one of the most initial and important things to be discussed early on in the relationship.

I dated a man once for two years with whom I was very clear about the family situation right from the beginning, partially because they hated me and partially because I haven't lived with another human being in the long term for over 10 years. I'd have enough conflicts and adjustments being with my spouse and don't want the element of dealing with too many other people in the household. He agreed initially and as time went on realized that it wasn't for him. He couldn't leave his parents home and hence in the end the relationship fell apart. Ofcourse there were other factors that in time we found out about eachother and that effected us but we got to knwo eachother before we got married and hence we didn't. But it was a decision that we consciously made together. No one hurled hurts or insults at anyone. It was a sad conclusion. Life is like that sometimes.

But I assure you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel as cliqued as it sounds. You will find it.

By Savarna on Thursday, September 16, 1999 - 07:32 pm:

Namaskar, all,

Just wanted you to be aware that the October 1999's issue of Hinduism Today magazine (www.hinduismtoday.com) is all about spousal abuse. It preaches against the practice citing Hindu scriptures and says that those who abuse their spouses are not good Hindus. Also has an escape plan for those who are abused, plus several contacts in the U.S. (shelters, etc.) especially for South Asian women. I learned that some husbands threaten their wives with deportation if they leave. The truth is that that many abused spouses can still get a green card by declaring a special exception. That would remove the husband and the sponsor but let them continue the green card process. One article encouraged parents to recognize the signs of abuse and support their daughters if ever they had to return home--with unconditional love. It was a great issue. Should be on-line in about 3 weeks, but you can buy it on the shelf now in bookstores.

Savarna

By Princess on Friday, September 17, 1999 - 01:54 am:

Savarna,
Thank you. I don't know where the magazine is available here but I'll look for it. In the meantime can you please post the website for the issue?

By Savarna on Friday, September 17, 1999 - 10:53 pm:

Princess,

The address is www.hinduismtoday.com but the Oct. issue won't be online for a few weeks. You can check bookstores like Barnes and Noble, or you can check newsstands and Indian stores. I have copied some resources to tide people over until they can get the magazine.

ASRA (San Fransisco Bay Area)
510-657-1246
510-657-1245

Maitri (San Fransisco Bay Area)
408-730-4049

Narika (Berkeley, CA)
800-215-7308

Sahara (Los Angeles area)
888-724-2722

Apna Ghar (Chicago)
773-334-4663

Raksha (Atlanta)
404-842-0725

Asha (Maryland)
301-369-0134

Asina (Boston)
617-338-2354

Michigan Asian Indian Family Services (Southfield)
248-351-0077

Manavi (New Jersey)
908-687-2662

Sakhi (New York)
212-868-6741

SAWERA (Portland, Oregon)
503-778-7386

SEWAA (Phiadelphia)
215-62-SEWAA

Saheli (Austin, TX)
512-703-745

Daya (Houston, Tx)
713-914-1333

SNEHA (Chesire, CT)
203-272-4296


Tip: Develop and Escape plan
Prepare a suitcase with the following and store it with a trusted family member or friend--
spare set of keys, emergency money, important phone numbers, documents such as birth certificates, passports, bankbooks, and insurance papers. Plan how to get out of your home quickly should a battering incident begin. Get out and call 911 or the local shelter.

Hope this helps,

Savarna

By Kalki on Friday, October 01, 1999 - 04:54 pm:

I have been living-in for last 5 years with a woman who is of similar interests but different background. My problem is that whenever there is a shortage of finances (we are both artists and earn our money through teaching)or I have to associate professionally with a woman, my girlfriend completely loses her cool begins to behave as though she wants to break me down mentally - meaning she repeatedly attacks me with verbal abuse calculated to produce a painful response in me. Its always money or other women. Why?

By Princess on Friday, October 01, 1999 - 11:32 pm:

Kalki,

While your girlfriend is not justified in all her behaviour you must understand that "other women" is a very sensitive topic to any woman. Jealousy in some doses is healthy however if it's leading her to have psychotic episodes you need to sit down and talk to her about it. Perhaps the portrayal of your colleague wasn't made to well to your girlfriend. Perhaps you inadvertently led your girlfriend to believe she should worry and feel insecure. Perhaps your girlfriend heard or saw something that is making her feel this way. Whatever it is you need to sit down and discuss it with her rationally.

As far as money is concerned it is one of the #1 issues of conflicts in marriages/relationships. The answer isn't simple but budgeting yourselves may be one of the simpler solutions. You mention that your situation doesn't get both of you steady income. In a relationship there are always goign to be such give and takes and there is nothing wrong with one partner balancing out another from time to time. However the balance should be equal. Perhaps she feels that she brings in more, perhaps she feels you aren't making as much as you could be. Whatever it is this is another sensitive topic that you need to sit down and talk to her about. There are counselors available to give you fiancial advise on such matters.

On a different matter and maybe I'm throwing a stone in the dark but I'm simply commenting as a woman. The fact that you are in a live in relationship that hasn't lead to marriage for 5 years may be making your partner feel insecure and rightfully so. Having that rock on the finger means a lot of sense of security and trust for a woman. That may or may not be an issues in your case. Something to think about.

By Kalki on Monday, October 04, 1999 - 07:08 am:

Princess,

I think you've hit three nails on the head at once. I'm broaching discussions on the lines you mentioned, and guess what? This morning we both agreed to get married!

By Princesss on Monday, October 04, 1999 - 05:54 pm:

Kaki,

That is absolutely great. Wish you all the best. I think often in relationships we only think of ourselves and not the whole picture. More people need to start doing that. It's hard as human beings to put ourselves in someone else's shoes but if we try it does wonders. Hope everything works out for you. Keep us posted.

By Savarna on Tuesday, October 05, 1999 - 12:14 am:

Princess, you are a matchmaker! :-) Good job! Kaki best wishes on a happy married life!

By Naoumi on Sunday, October 17, 1999 - 10:25 pm:

When do you know when it is "abuse" per se, and when it is just ugly fighting. My husband and I have had a few fights that have left me afraid of my physical safety, so that I've had to leave the house. The most recent event, just a few days ago, and I'm living with a friend until he can agree to go to counseling. We've tried counseling together but he won't acknowledge his anger as abusive. Though he has never hit me, he has attacked me, thrown things out of my hands, broken a door I was hiding behind, verbally humiliated me and assaulted me with terrible phrases to tear me down....

How do you know when it is abuse, or when he is just angry that you are standing up for yourself and having opinions in a terrible fight? I don't want to say he is abusive or he needs therapy until I know..... until he can agree he needs help.

When is it something you can talk out at home, and when is it time to leave?

By Princess on Sunday, October 17, 1999 - 11:42 pm:

It's abuse when it's hurting your marriage, you physically and mentally. It's abuse when you have to run away and are afraid for your life. If you feel you may be overacting and unsure talk to someone in confidence about it. I know in the indian culture one doesn't talk outside the home however if it means the difference between saving your marriage or breaking it, by all means talk to someone.

By London Girl on Tuesday, October 19, 1999 - 12:20 pm:

Dearest Naoumi

This is abuse. Beleive me, I have been through it all. Check out my previous postings on the other forum "Did I marry the wrong person?, is my spouse incompatible?"

Still to this day, I am full of fear. I am sorry to say that he is mentally abusing you, and breaking your possessions and doors and stuff is a sign of physical violence. He can do it to the furniture, it will be you next, but you can stop that. My husband began throwing things at me the walls, hurting me by initially throwing things at me, breaking my most valued possesions, breaking doors, punching holes in walls and then it finally ended up with me in hospital. I had great help from this forum. I know how difficult it can be to leave the person you most love. I could not do it, despite what everybody else said to me. I went back time and time again, everytime to receive more bruises, scars etc. This time when I did go back, I vowed not only to myself, but to God and my parents who where going through hell to see me like this, that I would leave him and I have told him this. To this day he has not touched me. Yes he gets angry, but now he ends up breaking his own possesions. He threw his mobile phone at me last night in a rage. I just laughed "its your own stuff that you'e destroying", I said to him.

This is like a vicious circle. It starts with mental, physical, appologies, tension, mental and so on. You should not be scared of your own husband asI was. He should get counselling. Usually it is their anger which overpowers them, and they need to control that.

Please take care of yourself. Don't ever let him physically abuse you. I think that he needs help. Take care and keep me posted. Lots of love

London Girl
xxx

By d on Wednesday, October 27, 1999 - 09:10 pm:

http://members.tripod.com/~Islam_Unveiled/beat.html

By Anonymous on Saturday, December 11, 1999 - 10:39 pm:

I want to know law associated with divorce.any relevent book and how to find a solicitor who can give helpful advice.I am in delhi

By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 11, 2000 - 12:50 am:

need some advice,

I am 29yr old indian guy, did my Undergrad and Grad studies in US. I have a semi-arranged marriage. We were introduced to each other as perspective significant others but there weren't any time restraints.

My marriage has gone awry from day one, we never agree on anything. I am debating about divorce because i have tried to work it out for the past 2 yrs. she doesn't want to divorce, but also doesn't want to change.
what are my optioins

By Princess on Tuesday, January 11, 2000 - 01:27 am:

Anonymous,

Sometimes people need outside help to help them work things out. Have you tried seeing a counselor about helping you guys overcome problems? All marriages have problems. You may see things one way but she may not. What are the particular areas of problems in your marriage that are making you contemplate divorce?

By tired on Wednesday, March 22, 2000 - 04:10 am:

Too oftem men think that they are the only ones with wants or needs.. They all need to read the book men are from mars..Men that are physically and mentally abusive especially afer after drinking need help. My husband reacts in a non verbal fashion all the time. He takes his anger out mentally or physically and then will not sit to talk about what's really bothering him. He calls me a piece of •••• then insinuates he has another woman (women) that make him happy. How am I to deal with this.. ? I tell him to get out then because I do not intend to share. This makes him even more mad. When I call his bluff it really sets him off but I am serious he can leave..
All I expect is for him to appoligize and get help or go forth with his threat. I know deep down he will not leave because he has too much to loose but I do not want to be taken for granted either. He is like night and day almost two different men and I do love the nice one..

By Bobby on Sunday, June 25, 2000 - 12:28 am:

Dear People,

I feel so shattered to see so much of pain prevailing in this pious relationship.

I am myself a victim of extreme torture from my wife. Within the first few hours of marriage, she laid her conditions of staying with me. They were too harsh, and within no time, she framed me and my entire family, including my widow mother and unmarried sister, under false cases of dowry. Her father, her boss, and her brother - in - law, all of them have been constantly threatening that we should pay up huge amounts of money... Rs. 10 lakhs (they had begun with Rs. 20 lakhs), else we are dead. Now nearly one year has passed since this trauma had begun. She herself sent letters to my MNC office forcing me to leave my job. The worst part is that despite her drawbacks, I loved her immensely, and tried to put everything according to her. However, the constant interference from her parents, her boss and her brother-in-law just deteriorated the matter. I am an MBA from IIM Ahmedabad, and I had a fantastic reputation in society.... everything just got ruined. I am now running pillar to post to save our lives and to get out of this web. My wife's family had carried out similar act with another boy also, with whom she was engaged prior to getting married to me (even this fact was concealed from us). The family of that boy also saved themselves after paying money, though the boy was subjected to fierce accident, which he could survive barely. Is there anyone who can help me out in any manner ? I am based at New Delhi, India and my email address is 1shattered@usa.net

By Anonymous on Monday, August 21, 2000 - 02:50 pm:

shattered One
If you have decided to end the relation then there is no need to fall into the trap set by your inlaws .No where in your mail you seem to tell how they are able to blackmail the victims like the previous boy for instance ,if you are guilty of something then I guess you must face this ,or else you must consult a lawyer and get this thing sorted out
Ditch the •••••

By Tortured on Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 08:50 am:

Can anyone give information about the validity of a
US divorce in India. The marriage has taken place in India. The woman has ditched me..and staying with her cousin in US. She used me only to come to US.
Now she is threatening me with cases of abandonment etc dowry harrasment...wife beating etc... I am in US on a H-1 visa.I want to divorce her. Any suggestions on how to go about doing it. I know it takes forever in India..Please help

By jumbolika on Friday, October 20, 2000 - 11:34 am:

tortured,
Yes a US divorce is valid in India. If she has come on H1 she is independent and no longer dependent on you. It would be illegal for her to be on a H4 and not stay with you. She cannot do anything about abandonment,beating if she does not have proof for it. She is just doing some loose talk.Anyways just divorce
her and get a life. Her cousin will also throw her out one day.

By Anonymous on Thursday, November 02, 2000 - 07:06 am:

Dear tired,
I have a similar situation. And to add to that my in-laws would like me to leave too. so my husband picks up a small issue and makes that a mountain and abuses my parents and myself and ends up with"so why aren't u leaving me as yet".
I can only say that accept the situation - make your own life in this, keep finances straight or get out. U may love this guy -- but it doesn't matter anymore

By Anonymous on Friday, November 10, 2000 - 04:02 am:

I am in US on H1 visa and got married in india.
My wife is staying with me and is on H4 visa. i am being mentally abused. She makes me spend all my salary.Infact i have got into big debts because of this. If i try to explain her she threatens me with false wife beating and dowry harrasment.Almost every other day we have a argument over this. I have been in this for last 2 years and just dont know what todo. I have really been depresssed because of this. I thought of divorce but it takes for ever in india. i just donot know what todo . Pls HELP

By CoolGuy on Friday, November 24, 2000 - 08:22 am:

Princess,
You were honest with your would-be-husband..
and told him right from the start that you would not be liking staying with your in-laws...you want your own
space etc. Hats off to you...for your honesty.
But there are some sluts...who act very nice...just until they get married....come to US ...and once they
are here...talk about their 'rights'. I would appreciate the clear mindedness of your would-be-husband for
not agreeing to your demands.
He may be thinking that it was his parents who reared him all the while...and now when they are in old
age..he needs to look after them. Your presence in his family would prevent him from performing this sacred
duty. He might have considered this duty to be above his attraction for you.He may be considering his
parents to be someone more than people who just need to be thrown $300 a month...and be treated like
unwanted baggage.
Whatever his ideas were...I dont say your idea is wrong either. You dont have to believe in what he believes.
But, Princess...dont expect your daughter/son to look after you when YOU grow old.
I congratulate you on being very clear about your ideas..well before marriage. If
girls are taught to be like you (I am not referring to your hesitation in staying with in-laws)
to be clear in their requirements and expectations from the boy...well before marriage...there would be much
less divorces. The same holds to boys too...they
'assume' things...and in the romantic moments before marriage...all these nuts and bolts of daily living is
forgotten.

By Undertaker on Saturday, November 25, 2000 - 02:31 am:

If a man beats a woman she should leave, forget this crap about family honor. A child will grow up thinking this is fine. Simple. Leave.

By Anon on Friday, December 01, 2000 - 01:05 am:

Do abusers ever change? I am married to a man who has physically and verbally abused me. I have left him 6 times only to return each time. He is still verbally abusing me now and I don't know if I should leave or stay. I have an 8 year old daughter.

By Undertaker on Monday, December 04, 2000 - 11:20 pm:

Anon, For your child and your safety leave. In leaving 6 times, what has happened? he still does the same thing. He does not care for you or your child. You should have left long ago. Go and leave a happy life with you and your daughter.

By Smriti on Sunday, March 18, 2001 - 09:23 pm:

What does one do when the man you're married to covers his tracks so well...a "Dr.Jekyll & Mr.Hyde" kind?!?!? My Husband is sooo caught up in living upto people's expectations that he has forgotten to be TRUE to himself. And this has lead to such serious fights..both physical and mental that now I'm on the verge of calling my marriage of! And it's not just my husband, I have to face my 2 vicious sisters-in-law, who live just 2 miles away and they micro manage our life!!! My husband WONT go to seek the help of a counsellor. He'd rather pretend and gain others love than call a spade a spade and be true. He has no individuality, he does things only if his parents are ok with it!!! My mother-in-law supervises my cooking over phone all the way from India!!!!!!!!!!!

By Srinu on Tuesday, April 10, 2001 - 02:00 am:

Nice to read this forum. Me and wife love each other a lot. But she gets very angry over the behaviour of my mother - who is back home in India. Anything she says is taken in totally negative way and concluding that my wife is not being accepted in the family which I know is not true. I guess this is due to over/hyper-sensitive nature of my wife. She is tremendously protective about herself and her parents. Hence arguments turn to abuse as she completely looses her control to anger. Banging head on the wall, thowring things at me or breaking them, abusing me and my parents in dirtiest words I have ever heard etc are becoming common. I always try to soothe her and talk peacefully and then come to an agreement. But the cycle repeats. How do I go about this?

By srinu on Tuesday, April 10, 2001 - 02:33 am:

Thought of rephrasing this to make it clearer.
Nice to read this forum. Me and wife love each other a lot. But she gets very angry over the behaviour of my mother - who is back home in India. Anything my mother says, my wife will take in a totally negative way and concluding that she is not being accepted which I know is not true. My parents like her very much. I guess this is due to over/hyper-sensitive nature of my wife. She is tremendously protective about herself and her parents. Hence arguments turn to abuse as she completely looses her control to anger. Banging head on the wall, thowring things at me or breaking them, abusing me and my parents in dirtiest words I have ever heard etc are becoming common. I always try to soothe her and talk peacefully and then come to an agreement. But the cycle repeats. How do I go about this?

By bold on Tuesday, May 01, 2001 - 08:26 am:

dear srinu,
get out of this marriage .she wouldnot get better and w'not be a nice mother to ur children.act now or u will repent later. no need to bear her torture.ask ur self-do i deserve this type of behaviour from her?

By srinu on Thursday, May 03, 2001 - 10:33 pm:

How do you say that she will not be a nice mother to my children?
Hyper sensitivity is what is creating the problem. Either too much anger, too much abuse, too much love or too much sadness. Have you seen anyone like this?
This just takes out a lot of my energy.

By Anonymous on Friday, May 04, 2001 - 04:28 pm:

srinu,
I have known people who behave like your wife. Sometimes it is a medical problem, for example diabetes can cause uncontrollable outbursts.

Bold has brought up a good point though. People who are unable to control their own behavior and anger sometimes exhibit that same uncontrollable rage towards their children. It is something that you should be concerned about. Anyone who rages and bangs her head against the wall is not normal. Perhaps you can take your wife for a complete medical exam. If it is not a medical problem perhaps you should consider taking her to a psychiatrist.

Good luck to you.

By srinu on Wednesday, May 09, 2001 - 10:30 pm:

Thanks folks. Although banging head on wall has happened only twice, other things like abuse, and throwing things etc has happened many a times. Still I think I should follow your advise. I feel being oversensitive is more of a mental problem...

Thanks for your wishes and advice.

By emotionalmess on Friday, May 11, 2001 - 06:23 pm:

I have a question if someone can answer this:
My husband is very loving to me and our children. We've been married 12 years. The problem here is he is emotionally private with his emotions. He says as a child his dad was abusive emotionally and very strict. He wasnt allowed to do anything or even speak up without getting yelled at.Never was any loving talk in his childhood life. Over the years I have gotten him to open up some, but it is very nerver racking to my nerves. our children are starting to respond to him the same way he does them they shut down to him, but are open with me (hurts to see this happening.)I am a very open person and he holds nothing against me for that and he has said over the years he would go to couseling to save our marriage, but never has acted on it. He's affraid and I can see that. I dont want to presure him for I've done that and he shuts me out more. I dropped it but have told him how I feel about needing more closeness and dont want to be pushed away and I dont want to end up going to someone else for comfortthat I need. That I need him and dont want anybody else. i dont want to end up hdivorced because of wall he has put up. It hurts me to see him hurting and not being able to share more of himself and maybe its me that is too open. I told him I will have to find away of dealing with what he cant give me for I cant force him. it just tears me up thinking ther eis no hope of us ever getting closer and now I have been pulling away from him and I have lost my sex desire for no emotional closeness. I tell him I'm his wife he can tell me anything he's not a child anymore its his life to live it. He cant do it, so I am going num and slowly dieing inside and my heart is giving up..this is how I feel. I do know I am going to seek couseling for myself all I can do. If you have any advice please give it.

By A Friend on Sunday, May 13, 2001 - 03:18 am:

emotionalmess,
You say that your husband is very loving to you and your children. Is the problem then that he does not talk about his feelings? Many men do not express their emotions easily but they often show their love by their actions. I know that this does not always satisfy a woman's need to be told that she is loved and appreciated but often the husband is giving it his best effort. Sometimes women who are "stay at home mothers" are much more negatively affected by a non-communicative husband and it can actually lead to depression in some women. If you know that he loves you and your children then going for counseling yourself may be your best option. You cannot make him change but you can change yourself back to the happy and outgoing girl that married him. Many women with very quiet husbands develop a circle of female friends and that is where they fulfill their need for warmth and communication. I have a few close female friends with whom I share problems and the everyday trivia of life that many husbands just do not want to be bothered with but that most women have a need to share.

I hope that you can find a solution to ease your pain and I urge you to try because you state very clearly that your husband is a very loving man. Good Luck.

By Anonymous on Friday, June 01, 2001 - 11:20 pm:

my husband & myself have a very loving relationship. The problem is his mother.
She has no control over her actions & she abuses me & my family in the worst
possible way. My husband suffers from depression. Her actions aggrevate his
illness. She hates us been together & always tries to create troubles between
us. I don't know what to do..

By Anonymous on Friday, July 13, 2001 - 06:21 pm:

What should a wife who is dependent on her husband has to bearwith him after he beats her up, evry two weeks, saying that she provoked him? He is nice 95% of the time but then when he is frustrated he beats and ounches his wife and tells his and her parents tht she did not obey him and thatshe does not respect him which is totally untrue.

By Well Wisher on Sunday, July 15, 2001 - 12:19 pm:

Anonymous 1,

Can you describe how your mother-in-law abuses you and your family? Why does she not like you and your husband together? How is she trying to create trouble between you? No one can provide constructive advice without getting some specifics.

Anonymous 2,

I don't think any females or males should tolerate physical abuse. You should discuss his violent behavior with him when he is good 95% of the time and tell him straight out that this is something that can't go on anymore. I would also suggest getting help from the local Indian or other social service agencies that deal with spousal abuse. By the way, where are you located....India or elsewhere?

Finally, if his behavior does not change, you need to gather the strength to get out of this relationship. You should not worry about what the society will say and think as long as you are absolutely certain you are doing the right thing. Hope this helps.

By Rajendra on Saturday, August 18, 2001 - 08:51 am:

Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing this letter to you after being severely harassed by my wife & her family under section 498 a. My wife hailed from a rich family. Immediately after the marriage she has been trying to abandon my widow mother or to send her to any old age home. She has deserted me 3 times. I have brought her back repeatedly. I am a grauate mechnical engineer & I am the only son of my aged ailing mother who is a severe arthiritis patient. I was accepting all her demands except leaving my mother. My mother in law repeatedly threatened my mother, me & publicly created nuisance to scold my mother. This time my wife left us & after 6 months she made an FIR. I aws arrested & passed 6 days in Jail. There was no proof of any physical torture & still the police did not listen to me. My wife also included my Mother & elder Sister in this case who got bail. I am alone & I don't have the sufficient monetary power to fight with them. I have knocked several social organization for justice against this frivolous charges. I know that my wife & her family has influenced the political leaders so that I get arrrested. Now they are demanding few lakhs to withdraw the case. Under this circumstances can you guide me what should I do? Can I challenge the harassment ? Can I use Section 482 ?
Best Regards

By I on Monday, August 20, 2001 - 01:02 am:

Rajendra
its always hard to leave someone u think u love.your wife seems to have put you all thorough alot of pain and u may need to reprioritize your gaols and consider waht matters to u the most- either continually bringing back your wife or taking care of your mother . about your legal issuse you may need to get a good lawyer to fight on your behalf.decide what is important and act on it.best wishes